


Colors

by nerdbuddyj



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Non-Canon Relationship, Pouring! - AU, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-08-24 22:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 90,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16648736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdbuddyj/pseuds/nerdbuddyj
Summary: Jaehyung Park tries to live his life with no regrets-surrounded with good friends and a loving family- he seems to have everything figured out. Little do people know, he's just as lost as them. He's just learned how to trust in himself and believe that he can achieve anything if he just put his mind and energy into it.Then, there's Olivia Kim. She has everything-money, fame, grades, looks- except a clue on how to live her life. Having decided to find her will to live, she meets Jae.Can Olivia rediscover the importance of family, the gift of friendship and the wonders of love?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, 
> 
> Firstly, I want to apologize to anyone who will and who already dislike this idea of having a different story line in the Pouring! universe. Let me just say that this story is NON-CANONICAL. Everything that is written here never occurred or will never occur (should there be a continuation) in the original fanfiction written by @d6dreams. Basically, this is just a fanfiction of her fanfiction. BUT! Do not fret. She knows that I am writing this story. (Thank you again @d6dreams!!)
> 
> Secondly, many of you will probably think that I'm only writing this to ride on the coattails of the perfection that is Pouring!. But let me clarify myself, nope, I did not decide to write this because of that reason. I love Pouring! so much that after reading it I couldn't help but think of what happens after the story ended. That in my head, everything seems to still exist. Especially Jae. So, basically the main reason I'm writing this is for myself. The feels that I have and the imagination that is flowing can no longer be contained and I must write them. So, if you are feeling the same and would like to read this, thank you.
> 
> Lastly, I am no English major. If there are errors or the writing style sucks, I apologize. Please don't kill me. This is a really huge step for me. lol But, really it is. You guys have no idea. Anyway, I'm babbling now. I hope you guys enjoy. :)
> 
> \----------
> 
> Again, 
> 
> This is an AU of Pouring! by @d6dreams but the main focus is on Jae and Olivia (OC).  
> This is NOT canon. 
> 
> Caution: There may be references of depression throughout the story (not a spoiler since i put it in the tags). It's a sensitive topic for some (if not the majority) but please don't come at me if whatever is depicted here does not reflect your view or experience about the issue. This is all fictional. Let's just read it with open minds. 
> 
> ALSO! This fanfiction will alternate the point of view of Jae and Olivia in some chapters. Just because. Heh.
> 
> -J

**—Jae—**

This is the first time Cap agreed to come hang out with us other than to a batting place. Iris must be someone really special to him. And judging by how he was acting this morning, I must say that he’s really head over heels for this girl.

Ayeon calls this a study date but really I think this is just an excuse for her to have a date with Brian while finishing her homework and getting to hang out with Sungjin’s girlfriend. A triple win for her.

I asked if I could join because I still couldn’t believe Cap agreed to this double-date.

Well, technically it’s no longer a double-date since I’m joining. But, who cares! I’m pretty sure they wanted me to join anyway. Because, come on! I’m Jaehyung Park, the life of every party.

We arrive at this café that looked like puppies and babies threw up all over the place. It’s oozing cuteness. Well, maybe if babies and puppies did throw up all over then this place would reek of vomit. But you get my point. The place is cute. Period.

Brian and Iris are talking while Sungjin goes and get us some water. I grab my phone to take pictures of the place and record a few clips of everyone for a video that I’m planning to do.

The three of us talk before Sungjin comes back with our water. And after a while we go back to doing our homework. I look at Brian and Ayeon. From where I’m sitting I could see that the two of them are holding hands under the table. Ugh. I look over to my right and I see Sungjin and Iris flirting with each other. Double ugh. Remind me again why I joined this double-date?

I’ve already finished my homework— unlike the lovebirds that are busy flashing heart-shaped eyes at each other. But, it seems like we aren’t leaving until they all feel like it or maybe not until Brian and Ayeon finish their cake. So, I just doodle on my notebook but a few seconds into it I already feel the boredom. I notice that my glass of water is already empty so I stand up and walk to the counter where the complimentary pitcher of water is placed. I reach out my hand to get the pitcher but some jerk grabs it first and finishes all the water. I flash him death stares and follow my gaze towards the direction he’s heading to.

“Jerk.” I hiss under my breath.

I turn back to the counter-top where the jerk-face left the empty pitcher but to my surprise it was already replaced with a full one.

“There, good as new” says a short girl wearing a white blouse with red stitching on the collar.

I smile and thank her. She just gives a small smile back and resumes to what she was doing.

I return to my seat. I didn’t know that a smile is plastered all over my face until Brian pointed it out.

“What are you smiling at for? He asks.

“What? I’m not smiling. It’s nothing.” I reply as I drink my water, so that I could cover my face.

He tilts his head but soon dismisses the topic and goes back to helping Ayeon with her homework. I turn my head slightly towards the counter to sneak a look back at the girl.

I smile to myself again.

After everyone finished their homework, we spend another half hour talking to each other before finally leaving the café.

We walk to the nearest bus stop and ride the first one that arrives. I sit alone, while everyone else are sitting on the back most part of the vehicle. Sungjin and Iris goes down first. I exchange goodbye-waves at the two of them before the bus continues on its route. Brian lives near my house but since Ayeon’s stop comes before ours he always goes down with her and walk her home, leaving me to go home alone.

Before, when Ayeon and Brian were still a new couple I used to whine at him for leaving me alone.

“What if someone kidnaps me?” I jokingly say.

“You’re strong! You can punch them in the face and then run” he says as he removes my grip from his arm.

Looking back at that moment, I regret not taking a video or any kind of memento. In the midst of my reminiscing, I realize that my stop is near so I stand up and wait by the bus doors so I can alight as soon as the doors open.

From the bus stop there are two routes I can take to get to my house. One is the normal and shortest route where you get to pass all the establishments in the area—Brian and I call this the “fast but boring” road. While the other one is the long but scenic route or as we like to call it, the “sunset brick road”. As the name suggests you get full view of the sunset when you take this route. Like any other day, I choose to walk this path.

I love walking through the sunset brick road. Everything about this place is just so perfect. The picturesque view of the sky— perfect. The river next to the pathway— perfect. The grass and flowers that surrounds the area— perfect.

The short girl walking a few meters in front of me— perf...

She looks kind of familiar. I stop on my tracks and try to focus on her. I start walking again to see her face more clearly. Isn’t she the girl from the café? She looks at the left and fixes her eyes on the view of the river. She is the girl from the café!

I feel a smile creep up my face again.

But that smile soon disappears when I see her stop walking and just stare at the riverside. The fresh and bright look that she had back when I saw her at the café is no longer there. Instead, what I see is a sad and sullen face.

We continue walking. With her in front, still a few feet away from me. She walks slow. Or maybe it’s me that walks fast? Because there are moments when I walk and suddenly she’s just an arm’s length away from me, so I try to slower my pace to keep a safe distance from her.

She really doesn’t pay attention to anyone else but the sunset brick road. I assume that maybe because she’s wearing earphones which is why she doesn’t notice that someone is walking behind her? She reaches the cusp of the sunset brick road—which actually merges with the end of the fast but boring road—first and waits there for a few minutes before I see a black sedan pull up in front of her. She gets inside the car and as soon as she closes the door, it leaves.

I wonder where she lives.

I arrive home, eat dinner with my family, took a shower and then crash on my bed. I check the baseball team’s chat box for some interesting news— nothing. So, I send memes until I say goodnight to everyone with a kissy face emoji at the end.

I put aside my phone and try to sleep. I shift side to side but I don’t seem to be that tired to fall asleep easily so I stare at my ceiling waiting for sleep to arrive only to see the picture of the girl walking through the sunset brick road in my head.

* * *

 

Whenever Ayeon invites everyone for cake I immediately join, not because of the cake but... actually I’m not sure why. Instincts just tell me to do so. So I do.

Apparently, the girl that works here in the café only work on the late afternoon, maybe she starts around the same time we arrive in the café? I assume this because whenever we come here she seems to be always just fixing her apron on.

The usual thing happens when it’s time to go on our separate ways—the couples are together. And by the time I reach the sunset brick road, I see her. There, walking, sad and sullen. Earphones on. Blank stares at the sunset. Black sedan. It’s same thing every time we visit the café. Occasionally she’d stop and pet the stray cats that sometimes loiter around the area. During those moments there seems to be something different about her. I can’t point it out but it’s different from the energy she radiates when she’s in the café. And it’s different from the usual dark face she has whenever she walks in this path.

Sometimes I wonder what goes through her mind. Like, what is she thinking right now? And, why, despite the beauty you see around the sunset brick road, does she look so detached and lonely? Why does she look so bright and happy when she’s at the café? Why can’t she notice that someone is walking behind her? Looking at her. Seeing her. Noticing her.

There would be days when she doesn’t work at the café when we visit. When this happens, I leave earlier than the others telling them I have a graduation video to edit. But, truthfully speaking, I just want to walk around the sunset brick road, and it’s not because I wish to see her or anything. There’s always no trace of her anyways. It’s just...I need footage for my video. Sunset footage. Videos of sunsets during different days. You may be wondering at what part in the graduation video do I need footage of the sunset. That, my friends, you’ll know when I finish the video.

Today is another day when she decided to not work. I sigh. That’s like the fifth time these past three weeks. Not like I’m counting or anything.

I tell everyone I need to leave early today after taking a sip from Brian’s cup of americano. On my way to the bus stop I see a familiar silhouette from my peripheral vision. So, I immediately look to my left and there... I see her.

She’s walking on the other side of the street... with a guy next to her. My heart drops. Who is that? I see her talking to him. Smiling at him even. The same smile she does to her customers. The same smile she had when I first interacted with her. The only interaction I had with her to be honest.

I stop on my feet.

But a few moments later I start walking again. This time faster. I’m practically running already.

I reach the pedestrian lane. I jump up and down anxiously waiting for the red light to flash so that I could cross already. I look towards their direction and they’re still together. I’m not sure why I’m rushing to cross. A part of me wants to just hop on the next bus and go home already but another part is too curious not to know the identity of this guy walking next to her.

The stoplight flashes a bright red and I quickly cross the road, dodging a few people on my way and as soon as I reach the other side of the street. I see them clearly.

The guy looks so familiar. Where have I seen him before? They walk towards my direction but stop midway when a recognizable car pulls up. It’s the same black sedan that picks her up at the end of the sunset brick road. She bids the guy a goodbye and rides the car.

He waves to the car as it drives away. Then, he continued walking to my direction. As soon as he was just a few meters away from me, I recognize him.

It’s Sammy Kim.

I met him during lunch break when he joined us in the cafeteria.

I rush to him. He sees me but is a step too late to evade my too familiar headlock.

“Sammy Kim!!!” I scream at his ear while ruffling his ear.

“Oh my god! Help!! I’m being mobbed!” He yells. I let go of him and say “What the hell are you talking about? Mobbed? It’s me Jae!”

He looks up to me from a crouching position he managed to do.

“Jae?”

“Yeah. The one and only.”

He jumped up so quickly it startled me.

“What the flip Jae?! Why would you suddenly tackling someone in the middle of a street?!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that... I was just so excited to see you here.”

Well, to be fair I _am_ really excited to see him but not for the reason he might think.

“So, uhm, what are you doing here?” I ask as we walk back towards the direction of the pedestrian lane.

“I had to buy something from an outlet mall nearby then I received a message from Iris inviting me to go to this café but I told her I couldn’t go because I have homework to finish.”

I nod at him dismissively. Because, I only asked that question so I could ask him another question.

“I saw that you were talking to someone earlier... who was that? Your girlfriend?” I ask carefully. Not that it has something to do with me or anything. I’m just a naturally curious person. And Sammy is my friend, so I got to know who my friend’s girlfriend is.

“Who, Via? No, she’s just a friend... I’ve known her since we were kids...”

“Oh, so her name’s Via?” I smile to myself.

Via. That’s a cute name.

“Olivia, actually. But, people close to her calls her Via.”

Olivia. Even cuter. I grin wider.

“Do you know her?” He asks as we reach the crossing.

“Uhm...” I try to think of something to say but ended up just telling him how I know her. “I don’t know her personally but she’s the girl that works at the café Iris was talking about. We go there often.”

Sammy looks at me funny and asks “She works at a café?”

I nod. “Yeah, she’s a barista there.” “A barista?” he asks with disbelief in his tone. And later chuckles at me.

“Why? What’s funny?”

“Dude, I think you got the wrong girl...” the red light flashes and we cross.

“What do you mean the wrong girl? I’m positive that she’s the one that works there.” I say defensively. Too defensively if someone else heard me.

“Look, Via isn't the type of girl that work at cafés...”

What is this boy talking about? Via...Olivia’s whole presence screams _I work at a café_. Okay, that sounded really stereotypical but you get what I mean.

Olivia, to me, is this lovely yet mysterious barista. She’s the girl, the girl that works at the café I frequently visit, that I know nothing about, that I only see walking alone at the sunset brick road, that listen to God knows what kind of music, that stops to pet the stray animals, that stops and stares at the sunset. She’s that girl. The girl that seems to have captured me by her mysteriousness. The girl that I think I’m developing a crush on. And, Sammy, saying those words is like invalidating everything that gives me a connection to her. Even though I know all too well that in reality I do have no connection to her except that I’m being a stalker. Well, if I think about it I’m not stalking her, she just happens to have the same route that I have when I go home. Hence, me following her whenever she’s walking in the sunset bri—

My inner monologue got cut off by Sammy who is now shaking me by the shoulders.

“Earth to Jae!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, what did you say?” I didn’t realize that we have already reached the bus stop.

Sammy sighs. “What I was saying is that Via isn’t the type to work at cafés. Or at any place for that matter...” I raise an eyebrow at him. “It’s not because she’s lazy or anything, she just doesn’t need to.” He doesn’t explain further. I was about to ask a question but the bus arrives. I hop on but realized that Sammy’s not behind me. I stand by the door to prevent the driver to close them and ask Sammy “You’re not getting in?” He shakes his head. “Someone’s gonna pick me up.” I hum a sound as I unblock the door. Then he goes on saying, “See ya at school!” I wave at him as the bus leaves.

I try to look for a seat but they’re all occupied. So I just remain standing... looking at the buildings as they pass by with a blur. With the name Olivia on repeat in my head.

* * *

 

Sammy and I become close friends now, at first I only really talked to him to get some more information about Olivia—he doesn’t talk about her too much and I try to avoid asking about her so that he doesn’t notice anything weird—but he’s a really cool guy. I find out that we have the same interests— he plays a lot of games and watch videos on the internet. We hang out a lot more lately because Brian is busy hanging out with his girlfriend more. And he doesn’t reply to my messages so I text Sammy.

After training, I invited Sammy to hang out with me and play video games, he agreed but he suggested that we play at his house instead because he has a new game he wants to play.

“So, how do we get to your house?”

“Oh, we just need to walk a few blocks from here...” he answers. What does he mean? I ask him a lot of questions only to get a “GOD! Jae, you talk so much!” from him. We walk a few blocks away from school and get picked up by a fancy car.

Oh. So, this is how we go to his house. The car is kind of similar to the one that picks up Olivia at the end of the sunset brick road. The interior of the car looks very sleek and clean compared to my father’s car. It’s my first time inside such vehicle. A lot of legroom if you ask me.

“So, what are you? Like a secret son of a multi-millionaire or something?”

He chuckles at me and say “not really, but kind of?” What does that even mean? Is he like a dollar a way from being a multi-millionaire? Or is his birth some kind of secret controversy that no one should know about it? Is that why he says kind of?

I fix the glasses on my face and look at him “What do you mean kind of?”

“My family is well-off but we’re not really multi-millionaires—“ I cut him off with a scoff. “That’s what really rich people say!” He just laughs at me.

“Why doesn’t anyone at school know?” He shrugs his shoulder and explains “I like to keep it that way. But Iris knows it. And I’m pretty sure she’s already mentioned it to Sungjin.”

On our way to his home we just talk about the game Zombie Asylum:Rebirth and how amazing it is that we get to play it before it’s officially released to the public.

“I still can’t get over the fact that you managed to get your hands on the Rebirth version of the game which is not out until next year!” I flail my arms uncontrollably as I said those words at him.

He starts to laugh but stopped himself midway so that he could explain something. “I didn’t get _my_ hands on it. My father gave it to me. He’s close with...” he pauses for a while, trying to look for the right word to say “...the developers of this game.”

“Well, thank your father for being a social butterfly and allowing his son to have this kind of amazing perk!”

“It’s not a perk...but it is awesome!” He chimes in. We both laugh. I’m practically interviewing Sammy now with the amount of questions I ask him but a few moments later I notice that we’re about to enter private vicinity —I say private because there are gates and security guarding the gate. When I look out the car window I see that we are entering Springridge— the most exclusive and private village in the whole region. “Don’t tell me you live here?” I say as the driver pulls down his window to give a salute to the guard checking the car. The gates open and a huge water fountain in the middle of what seems to be a rotunda greets us...or more like me. “Woah—” I exclaim as I press my cheeks on the window to get a better look. Then, I remember to pull out my phone and capture a video of the whole thing.

“DUDE!” I scream at Sammy. He jumps a bit.

“DUDE! Why are you screaming? You scared me!” I laugh mostly because I caught that moment with my phone. He laughs as well and hit me in the forearm with his fist.

I look back outside and see huge houses all with their own unique design and flair. I’ve only heard of Springridge and how the people who live here are so rich they can buy islands for fun. I walk pass this area all the time on my way home but the closest I got to it is the security booth. This place isn’t particularly welcome to outsiders. Most of the students that go to St. Mary’s and St. Joseph’s live here. Except Sammy. Sammy goes to our school. For a reason I don’t exactly understand. He explained earlier that it’s because he wants to keep his life a low-profile.

We finally go through a driveway that I can only assume to be Sammy’s house. As soon as I got out another surprise greets me. I pan the camera towards it with my mouth open full of awe. This is Sammy Kim’s house. It’s huge. Gigantic even, compared to our house. My family isn’t as well off as Sammy but we can live with what we have like how average people do, so this is like a whole new world to me.

“Sammy, you didn’t tell me you live in a castle!” I jokingly say as I turn off the camera on my phone. “If you think my house is a castle, wait until you see the largest house in Springridge.” He points behind me so I turn around and I see a huge—wait huge doesn’t even do it justice— enormous, colossal, grand and every adjective that’s synonymous to those words—mansion.

“That’s not a castle... that’s practically a city!” I exclaim. It’s a few blocks away from Sammy’s house, but I already feel it’s presence from where we are standing.

“That’s where Olivia Kim lives...” I snap my head back to face him and stutter “T-That’s her house?” He nods. “Now, you understand why I couldn’t believe why you said she works at a café.” I nod at him as I look back towards Olivia’s house. “She’s _that_ rich.” He says with a hint of admiration.

“Wait... didn’t you say you’re close to Olivia?” Saying her name out loud makes me shy all of a sudden.

“I didn’t say we’re close. I just said we’ve known each other since we were kids...” he pauses and starts walking towards his house—I follow him—before continuing “We were close, best friends even, but she and her family moved to London before elementary school started... she comes home and visits every summer break but by the time we’re in middle school, she stopped visiting... I only recently found out that she’s back and is attending St. Mary’s now. I ran into her near the outlet mall the other day. That’s basically the first time I saw her in years.” A pain flashes on Sammy’s face for a second but is replaced with I can only describe as fear when he sees something. I follow his line of sight and I see a silver Mercedes-Benz parked near the front patio.

“She’s here? Again?” He asks his driver who by the way I did not notice that was following us. He nods at him and apologizes for not informing him.

“WHY NOW?” he screams at the air. Who’s here? And why does Sammy look like he’s being forced to eat something disgusting.

“Who’s here?” I ask.

“Suzy...”

He opens the door and a long-haired girl comes running down the staircase crying. “Sammy!!!!” Her cries echo throughout the house. I resist the urge to cover my ears.

“Who’s Suzy?!” I ask, now feeling the same fear Sammy had on his face earlier.

“My cousin—” she tackles him with a hug and cries on his chest. Her muffled voice makes it hard for anyone to understand whatever she is saying.

“So I guess we’re no longer playing Rebirth?” I shout so Sammy can hear me over Suzy’s overpowering cries of despair.

We’re now sitting on the couch in what seems like the living room— let me just say how this living room looks like the lobby of that fancy hotel we stayed in for my mother’s birthday last year. Insanely huge for a living room.

Suzy has finally calmed down. A helper puts down a tray of glasses and a pitcher of water on the coffee table after Sammy asked for some earlier. I pour water on the glass and was about to drink it but Sammy grabs it and hands it to Suzy. I pour another and gulped it down. I can’t believe a girl a can cry that loud for 30 minutes straight. Didn’t she feel tired or hurt her throat?

“Thanks, Sammy. I feel better now.” She says as she hands the glass of water back to him.

“I’m sorry for the ruckus...” she looks towards me, “I should’ve been more considerate to Sammy’s guest...but it’s just...my boyfriend and I just broke up—” Sammy cut her off before she continues, which is a good move as it seemed like she was about to start crying again. “You guys broke up again? That’s like the third time this week!” He exclaims at her. “I know! But this time it’s for good.” Sammy rolls his eyes at her and looks at me with an expression that clearly doesn’t believe a word she just said.

“Oh really now?”

“Yes! And to prove my point, this time it was me who broke up with him!” She defends. Sammy’s eyes widens. “OH REALLY NOW?” He says it again but this time with true utter shock. “But you love him so much that you were willing to go back to him even after he dumped you twice!”

“I do... No, I did. But, I realized that it wasn’t gonna work between us especially if the other half makes his other half feel like crap all the time.”

Wow. I applaud. Know your worth girl!

“You go girl!” I cheer. They both look at me with blank faces then looked at each other and laughed.

“Your friend is weird.” Suzy says to Sammy. He nods.

“I may not know the whole story of your relationship but I totally support what you did. Loving someone wholeheartedly shouldn't be at the cost of your own self-worth. If that person truly loved you, he should know how precious you are and should treasure you with all his heart... because he knows you’re worth it.”

She looks at me attentively and that’s when I take a look at her properly. I won’t deny it, Suzy is gorgeous. Long hair, brown eyes and perfect complexion. She has everything a normal guy wants in a girl. Good thing I’m not really normal. Kidding. But it makes you wonder why her ex-boyfriend broke up with her and twice at that.

“Thank you...” she clasps my hand with both of hers then looks at Sammy, “Your friend is the nicest friend ever, Sammy!”

He looks at Suzy weirdly. “Yeah he’s cool... We were supposed to play Rebirth today but you were crying hysterically so... that needs to be rescheduled.” I feel touched that Sammy called me cool, so I flash heart eyes at him to show my appreciation. He pretends to puke.

“Oh— that reminds me!”

We both look at Suzy who suddenly jumps up and runs towards the table on the other side of the room. She rummages inside her designer handbag and pulls out a DVD case. Or what I think is a DVD.

“Via wanted me to give this to you.” I get startled at the name, that Sammy looks at me with probing eyes before he took the DVD. “What’s this?” He asks as he scans the case, when he landed on the cover he also jumps up from his seat and starts screaming “No way! NO.FREAKING.WAY! ZOMBIES VS ALIENS IS SAID TO BE STILL ON THE WORKS!” He raises the case like how that baboon from The Lion King raised Simba when he was first born. I resist the urge to sing the signature song of the movie. Heh.

“Via handed it to me at school earlier, she said she didn't have your number and didn't really want to just casually come by your house. She also said that Uncle asked her to give it to you, saying that you’ll definitely enjoy playing it and can’t wait to hear your reviews so they can report it to their R&D team later.” Suzy explains while fixing her make up as it got ruined with her crying spree earlier. 

I know that Sammy mentioned that he and Olivia were close before but how close were they? I feel annoyed. And, who’s this Uncle they’re talking about? Olivia’s father? So, the person that his dad is close to— the so-called developers of the game— is Olivia’s dad? I feel annoyed even more. I need answers. But I’m too afraid to ask. Because if I do, it means I really do have a crush on her. And, I’m scared because this time it feels different compared to the other crushes I had. It feels something more special. Something I want to keep to myself. Am I turning into a bear like Sungjin?

During my inner monologue, apparently I couldn’t control my facial expression, so Suzy mentioned that I looked troubled to Sammy. He narrows his eyes at me and as soon as our eyes met I swiftly turn away and pretend that there’s nothing wrong.

“Hey, man... be honest with me...” Sammy asks sternly as he crosses his arms, with the game being under his armpits now.

“Do you have a thing for Olivia?” I avoid his question by whistling, pretending that I didn’t hear a thing. "Because, I noticed that every time I talk about her you get all tense and weirder than usual..."

Suzy shuts her compact mirror and exclaims “No way!”

I continue to whistle.

“Hey, stop pretending. I know you heard me!” he throws a pillow from the chair at me. It hits me in the face that my glasses falls off, I pick it up and wear them only to stare daggers at him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Liar.

“Liar!” He read my mind.

Suzy is practically on the edge of the sofa already, trying to get some kind of gossip between the two of us. Is she close to Olivia as well?

“At first, I thought it was weird that I accidentally bumped into you at the street when I first saw Via again, then the next day you suddenly acted like we’re the closest of friends, but now it makes perfect sense...you only— ” I explain myself before he can even say what I think he was about to say.

“That’s not it Sammy… okay maybe at first I did only act that way so I could get any info about Olivia but really you’re a cool guy and I have fun hanging out with you. Especially now that Brian is busy with being the perfect boyfriend for Ayeon.”

Suzy suddenly laughs and the tense air dispersed. “This is not what I expected!!” She’s laughing hysterically now. Sammy starts to laugh as well, and I don’t understand the situation until Suzy says in between laughs “If a passerby just heard you guys talking to each other they would’ve totally thought that you were having a couple fight!” I laugh. “But, if that’s what this is it’s totally cool, man” I say to Sammy. He chuckles out a “Shut up.”

Sammy and I, according to Suzy "made up", and is now having a “post-fight video game sesh” We are now in Sammy’s bedroom, sitting with our backs leaning on the footboard of his bed playing the new game that was given to him. While Suzy on the other hand is on Sammy’s bed watching us play while scrolling on her social media.

“So, Suz, aren’t you going home yet?” I call her Suz 'cause I want too and I ask out of curiosity because she’s really not doing anything and I doubt that she has any bit of interest in watching us play this awesome game. And, I might want to ask Sammy things about Olivia. Emphasis on the word might.

“Why? Do you guys need some privacy or something?” she snides.

“Ha-ha...” Sammy says as he smashes the buttons of his controller when a Zombie appears on the screen. I try to keep up with his avatar by smashing the buttons on my controller with whatever combos I could come up with. “Are you sleeping here again?” he asks. “Yup, I told my parents I won’t be coming home tonight and already called your parents to tell them that I’ll be sleeping over...” I hear an all too familiar click sounds of a phone camera. She’s probably taking some pictures of herself.

The words Game Over flashes on the screen in deep bloody red color as my avatar died because I missed the beat for the combo attack with Sammy’s avatar. “Ugh! You are the worst player ever Jae!” Sammy says as he lightly threw his controller to the side then looks over his shoulder to say to Suzy “Okay, you get to stay here but just don’t make me wear those face masks again.” I look at Suzy and see her nod but it’s obvious that she’ll make him do that again later. She catches me looking at her so shifts her position on the bed to move closer to me.

“SO, Jae… you like Via?”

I clear my throat and look at Sammy for any signs of help. He just shrugs at me.

“What do you mean like? I don’t even know her. Not personally… ”

“All the more for you to develop a crush on her!” she says as she sits up crossed legged.

“That’s Via’s charm! The more you don’t know about her, the more you get attracted by that mysteriousness, then, as soon as you know something about her the more curious you get and then BAM! you’ll just find yourself realizing that you already like her…"

I get goosebumps at how accurate she described what just happened to me. She sees my face and continues “You’re wondering how I know that?” I nod a bit. Still in awe of her speech. “Because of this guy here… ” she points at Sammy.

My eyes widen. “You like Olivia?!” I shout at him. “Liked. Past Tense.” he defends.

“I liked her... before she went away to London...” Suzy continues over Sammy. “He was devastated when they moved, but every summer, whenever she would come home and visit us, Sammy was overjoyed but Via seemed different every time she came home. More quiet, more reserved than she already was. Then, unfortunately the two of them grew apart—we all did actually—and eventually she stopped visiting.” She pauses and stares blankly at the air before looking back at me and continuing “We lost contact with her but our families, or mostly our parents, still contact each other so we hear stuff about her from time to time.”

“If you’re worrying about me, don’t be. I’m totally over liking her. I’m just sad that my best friend is no longer my best friend.” Sammy reassures me that he no longer has any feelings for Olivia in that way but rather he just misses his best friend. Apparently, the three of them are known in Springridge to be really close with each other. “The Trio. As people around us would say.” Sammy mentions.

“I like her.” I finally admit.

“No shit.” they both say at the same time. We all laugh.

I like Olivia Kim. It didn’t really matter that I know nothing about her, except that she’s super rich, except that Sammy had a thing for her before, except that she moved to London when she was young, except that she was super close to both Sammy and Suzy, except that she’s a barista. All of that didn’t matter. She's someone I would like to get to know more.

I. like. Olivia. Kim.


	2. Hi, Hello

— **Jae** —

“Oh man can this day get any hotter!” I exasperatingly say while walking up to the mound for one last round of pitching to the batters.

It’s only a few weeks before nationals so our training practice is getting more and more intense. And when I say intense it’s really and I mean really intense. Like 210 times more than our usual Friday training. Coach Taec is pushing us to our limits with trying to increase the speed of my pitches—like it’s not fast enough— getting Brian to pull up his hit accuracy—like he doesn’t hit every ball that comes up to him already— making Wonpil run faster—like he doesn’t already look like a rabbit running for his life. And don’t even get me started with how he’s training Sungjin and Dowoon!

“Yo, Brian! You’re the last one so you better hit this ball far or else Coach will make you hit a hundred baseballs next practice!” I yell to him as he drags his bat on the ground and onto the batter’s box. I position myself and show some signs to Dowoon that I’ll be pitching a fast ball. He nods and sets himself to catch it. I throw the ball with so much strength I think my arm came off. Brian hits it with ease— _as usual_ — it’s actually insulting. I hear him laugh as I turn to look how far the ball has gone so I raise a middle finger up to his direction. His laugh gets louder.

“Show off” I hiss under my breath but immediately after I sigh of relief because practice is finally done. We huddle in the dug out for Coach’s last reminders as well as Sungjin’s round of captain duties.

It’s clear that today’s practice is one of those days when everyone is just so exhausted. We usually race each other to see who gets to take a shower first but everyone is heading to the locker rooms at their own pace, some even do so sluggishly. I’m one of those who is walking like a slug. 

* * *

 

“Cap, can you talk to Coach and ask him to ease up our training just a bit?” I hear Brian say from behind me as we walk to the school gates.

Sungjin just sighs at him.

Brian sighs back.

I sigh as well.

“Harsh practice?” I hear Ayeon say as she pushes her back off the gate walls, much to Brian’s delight for sure. I could just see him grinning from the back of my head. The same for Cap, as I see Iris beside Ayeon shyly waving at him.

I sigh again and just continue walking forward, leaving the lovebirds a few steps behind me. Pretty sure the guys are recharging themselves with hugs and cuddles. Normally I don’t really care but today just makes me... _ugh_.

Ayeon calls my name so I stop and look back at them.

“What?” I unintentionally scowl.

“Why are you so cranky today?” she asks.

I’m not really sure how to answer that question. So, I just roll my eyes at her and continue my journey to my humble abode.

“Give him a break, he had to pitch balls twice the amount and speed than our normal practice session” Brian explains.

“Then, how about we go get some cake today before going home?”

I look back with a smile on my face, “Did somebody just say cake?”

“Since when did you become a fan of eating sweets?” Iris points out.

She’s right though, I was never really a fan of sweets mostly because I’m lactose intolerant. And eating sweets that has dairy in them make me dizzy and sometimes even vomit. But, eating cake means going to our favorite café. And, going to that café energizes me the way Iris and Ayeon do to Sungjin and Brian.

But, none of them knows that. And I have no intention of telling them anytime soon.

We sit down on our usual table, with the arrangement being the couples sitting beside each other, while I sit on the chair that’s facing towards the counter. A few moments later, bell sounds echo in the whole place so I instinctively look at the door and there I see Sammy approaching us.

“Yo! Sammy what’s good? What brings you here?” I say as I grab his hand and give him a chest bump. He points at Ayeon. “She sent a message in the group chat saying that you guys were going here...” he sits on the chair opposite of mine and continues explaining that he was in the area and he wanted to hang out with us. “and it seemed like forever since I last saw you all! You’re all so busy with training and have no time to hang out with me.”

We all laugh at him for being the clingy friend.

Sungjin is about to stand to go place our usual orders but Ayeon stops him.

“Jae, you do it this time.” She slyly suggests. I narrow my eyes at her only to agree at her suggestion. “I don’t know who made you boss today but sure I’ll do it.” I stand up. “Come on Sammy, help me with our orders.”

“No, Sammy stays.” Ayeon says as she put her arm around his shoulders. A slight panic stirs up inside me when she said those words. I have a bad feeling about this, but I sit back on my seat and confront her.

“What’s wrong with you today? Why are you being extra bossy?”

“I’m not being bossy! You can order for us alone.” She defends, but even Brian and Iris who always side with her have confused looks on their faces. She aggravatingly let out a sigh, rolls her eyes at everyone before she flashes a knowing smile at me.

 _Oh no_. She _knows_ something. The panic is now growing.

“Okay, for everyone’s information, our chicken little friend here has a crush.”

The panic is now out of control.

The look on Brian and Sungjin’s faces are that of complete and utter shock until they both say “Pfft! He has a crush on everyone!”

“That’s not even news to us” Brian adds in.

Okay, I can get away with this. I just have to ride with where this conversation is going. But before I get to say anything Ayeon cuts me off—OH MY GOD AYEON CAN YOU PLEASE STOP— “I know that, but this seems different...” she lets out a giggle, I see Iris looking back and forth at me and the café counter. It takes her only a few seconds to realize something, I know this because she now gives off the same smile Ayeon has.

The panic is now ballistic.

“You guys know him! Whenever he has a crush on somebody he can’t stop talking about that person. Like that college girl from before!”

“Yeah... so what’s your point?” Brian asks.

“This...” she points her index finger on the table “is totally different...” she looks at the two boys for a sign of understanding only to raise her voice “Oh my god! Don’t you guys get it? It’s different because he’s keeping it a secret! Especially from his two closest friends!”

Brian and Sungjin look at each other then at me, “WHAT?!” They both scream at me.

They ask a lot of questions, even Cap who’s usually reserved is frantically asking for any kind of information about the situation. Sometimes I think my friends are girls who enjoys gossiping.

I just sit there ignoring the two of them and giving death stares at Ayeon who is now exchanging whispers to Iris, probably about my so-called crush. Amidst the chaos that is Brian and Sungjin, I notice Sammy nervously fiddling his phone. Then it hits me. I was doing well, no one knew anything! Except Sammy and Suzy...

“SAMMY KIM! YOU TRAITOR!” I jump from my seat to run up to him but he hides behind Ayeon. “I DIDN’T TELL HER!” He explains.

“Didn’t tell her?!”

“OKAY! I SLIPPED!”

I scoff and think of something to say but I just sit back down my chair and let out sigh. Can this day be anymore tiring?

“In my defense, Ayeon is scary when she interrogates you.” I see Brian nod in agreement only to get a playful punch in the arm from Ayeon.

“So, what? You have a crush, that’s not something new to us. Well, it is weird that you kept it a secret but other than that what’s different?” Sungjin says as a matter-of-factly, contrary to how he was acting earlier.

“Oh my Captain, I can’t believe that you can lead your team to Nationals but don’t understand anything about the personality of your pitcher.” Iris says as she pinches Cap’s cheek. “You know something I don’t?” he asks as he grabs Iris’s hand and intertwines her fingers with his.

“No, but I think I understand why Ayeon said that this is different. And not just because he kept it a secret. Am I right Sammy?”

I direct all my death stares to Sammy who is now back in his chair.

“I abstain from saying anything further!” He says as he pretends to seal his lips like a zipper. “Hah! You should’ve done that in the first place so we aren’t in this situation fool!” I bury my face into my palms and let out a muffled scream.

I look at the counter and see the barista fetching something from the countertop. I see her and all the tiredness I’m feeling disappears in an instant.

“You know you could just say Hi and see where it goes from there.” Ayeon suggests. How much does she know? Does she know that I have a crush on the barista of this café? Does she know that it all started the first time we came here? Does she know that I despite the countless of times that I go up the counter to order, it was Sammy who did all the talking?

All of these questions flash in my mind within the second that pass between Ayeon speaking and Iris adding, “Think of it this way, if you don’t say anything to her both of you will never become more than just plain strangers.”

I look back at the petite girl behind the counter. The thought of talking to her makes me a nervous wreck that when the opportunity comes my mind just blacks out.

I know, it’s pathetic. That, I, Jaehyung Park who has zero care about what other people think about him, who walks up to a complete stranger just to ask strange questions, can’t even say a simple word such as a “Hi!” to the girl he has a crush on.

“Jae, we’ve been sitting here for 15 minutes already and still haven’t placed an order, we’ll get kicked out of this place at this point.” Sungjin declares.

“And I need my cup of Americano already!” Brian blurts out.

It seems like the two have finally caught on who my crush is.

“UGHHHH” I jump out of my seat, rub Cap’s shaved head for good luck and walk towards the counter. My body is moving faster than my brain has the time to think of what to say to her.

Jae, what else is there to say to her other than our orders? Right? Okay, I can do this... _I think_. I arrive at the counter but she’s busy putting away the dishes that the other customers left so she doesn’t notice me, this leaves me a few moments of being in total stress. I look back to our table and mouth a “What do I do?” at everyone.

And in unison, as if they planned it beforehand, they all raise their fists in the air and just mouth a “You can do it!” back at me.

I chuckle and took a deep breath before facing forward.

I cough lightly just so she would realize my presence. She hears this, so she drops whatever she was holding back in the sink, wipes her hands on her black apron, and rushes over in front of me. I know that we have a counter top and a monitor between us but it’s only now that I realize how small she is. I’m practically towering over her.

She looks up at me with a smile and says “Hi...” and I blank out for a second until I finally say “Hello” back.


	3. Peach

— **Olivia—**

Whenever I arrive and leave the café, the staff on shift always greet me like I’m their commanding officer in the army. Martin says “Technically, you _are_ their commanding officer. You do own the place.”

Martin Seo is my bodyguard- _slash_ -chauffeur- _slash_ -only friend. He’s been with me since I was five years old. He was just an apprentice at that time but you can say that he practically raised me.

“ _I_ don’t own the place. My mother does. I’ve already told them countless of times that I’m just working there part-time and most of the time I just come and go as I please. Take today for example, I just went there to wear an apron only to leave ten minutes after.” I explain to him as we walk to the car he so _conveniently_ parked near the outlet mall.

“That’s the same bananas. They treat you like the boss because you act like one and the fact that you don’t follow the same rules that apply to them emphasizes that.” He says over his shoulders as he weaves through the people to let me walk without getting bumped by anyone. I concentrate on following his steps that I ignore the fact that he used an outdated phrase. He could be such a middle-aged man sometimes, but contrary to his way of speaking he’s not even thirty years old yet.

“Via?” I hear someone call me. I tug at Martin’s coat to make him stop walking. “Martin, did you hear that?” I ask. “Yeah, someone’s calling you. It sounded like someone we know.”

I hear the sound coming closer. As Martin pointed out, the voice is very familiar. I just can’t pinpoint who it belongs to. I look around to find out who’s calling me until I see a guy standing a few feet away from where Martin and I are standing. It’s Sammy Kim.

He jogs closer towards us. His backpack bouncing up and down his back.

“Via.” he says again.

I completely freeze up.

There are several reasons as to why. First, it’s been years since I last saw him face-to-face. Second, I’m really not the type of person who walks up to someone I know in the middle of the street just to say _hi_. In fact, I’m the type who actually avoids being seen by or running into someone I know in public. Third, I basically cut-off any communication with him and his cousin Suzy, my only best friends in the whole universe, with no explanation at all. And, lastly, which is related to reasons number two and three is that I do not have the guts to explain what happened or why it happened.

“It’s been what? Five years since we last saw each other?” He asks with no hint of awkwardness. Still the same Sammy. He can be awkward to other people but between us two he always exerted extra effort to make me feel comfortable. When we were kids it worked all the time, but now, unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work. I feel overwhelmed with what is happening that I tug Martin’s coat tighter. He notices it so he diverts the attention to him.

“Is this the same little Sammy I know?” Sammy looks at Martin with scrunched up eyes, trying to remember the guy.

I let go of Martin’s coat.

“Is this Martin?”

He bows at him out of respect, but later opens up his arm to ask for a hug. “Yeah, little man! Or maybe I should just call you man now. Seeing that you grew up to be quite a man.”

Sammy flashes a wide smile at him and proceeds to go to Martin’s arms to give him a hug. “Wow! Martin, aging has done you good!” Martin thanks him and they both laugh. In the midst of their reunion, I try to calm myself down. Sammy turns to me again, “I can’t believe I’m seeing you two here.”

“Same here.” That’s the first sentence I managed to say to him.

Good job, Olivia.

“Really, it’s been such a long time.” he repeats.

I know. Five years.

It’s been five years, Sammy.

“Yeah, since middle school.” I say as I look down at my feet, avoiding his eyes.

“I mean, sometimes I hear news about you from my dad when he flies out to London but...” he pauses for a while before exclaiming “Wow, you still look the same Via, _unlike Martin_ , it’s like you haven’t aged a bit.” I’m not sure how to react to that. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

“You too Sammy… you look the same… ” I reply. Then I realize that what I said wasn’t right so I stutter back a “e-except f-for the height, you definitely grew taller… that’s for sure. ”

He did grow taller. He’s as tall as Martin now. I remember back then, he was just a few inches taller than me, our heights before were maybe around Martin’s arms. Now, I have to look up a bit to make eye contact with him. Apparently, the wonders of growth spurt hasn’t hit me yet and I’m not really tall to begin with. So yeah, I barely make it to five feet.

He chuckles a bit and continues on carrying the conversation.

“I heard news from Suzy that you’re attending St. Mary’s—”

“Yes, uhm—” I don’t know what to add up to that. Truthfully speaking, I’ve actually been attending St. Mary’s since freshman year. But I try my best to avoid any contact with anyone. Even with Sammy and Suzy.

“I think since freshman year, right?” Oh. He knows. I look at Martin with eyes screaming 'HELP ME!'

“I’m going to fetch the car Ms. Olivia. You two can continue talking here. I’ll be right back.” My eyes widen at Martin. He can’t possibly leave me alone to deal with Sammy. I asked for help Martin, not for self-destruction!

I grab Martin’s arm and whisper to his ear “Martin. You can’t just leave me alone—”

He leans closer to my ear and whispers “We have to get to the car and at the rate of your walking speed, your fear of socializing will probably be twice as long compared to when I go get the car now and drive you home— saving _you_ the agony of being emotionally overwhelmed by talking to people. Particularly to _him._ ”

He said all of that so rapidly it was as if he was rapping to my ear.

Still in a hushed tone I say “But—”

“You’ll be fine, I’ll run to the car and be back here in 5 minutes. Plus, you have the panic button. Shall you ever face any danger in the five minutes that I’ll be off the 5 meter radius, press the button. I’ll run back here ASAP.” He tries to reassure me. But I still get nervous when he releases my grip from his arm and quickly runs away towards the direction of the outlet mall.

Okay, Olivia. Don’t panic. It’s just Sammy. Your good old friend Sammy. There’s no need to be nervous. I try to convince myself. But I jump a little when he calls my name again.

“Via?” he looks at me with worried eyes. It’s as if he’s asking me if I’m okay. 

I take a deep breath before speaking.

“Yeah…Uhm... I’m sorry for not keeping in touch with you and Suzy.”

“Don’t worry about that…” there’s a trail of uncertainty in the tone of his voice.

“It’s just weird—” He pauses before asking “What happened to you?” I look at him and see hurt in his eyes. A lump in my throat prevents me from talking. I don’t want to talk about this. Maybe at least not now. He notices my struggle so he takes back what he asked. “You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to… but don't you think that I, at least, have a bit of right to know why?”

I don’t like this. I want to go home now. Martin, where are you? What made you think I can handle this?

“Uhh— we should probably walk there so that Martin doesn’t have to drive so far from the parking lot… were you headed that way too?” I ask him as I point to the direction of the outlet mall just to change the topic.

He nods at me. A minute of awkward silence passes before he starts speaking again.

“Hey,” he says softly. “I think you should know that—” he pauses for a few seconds, leaving me at the edge of my wits. “To me, we’re still best friends. I still see us as the same kids that would play in your backyard and drive Martin nuts with our crazy antics. After all these years you can still talk to me about anything Via.” He turns to me and gives me a weak smile.

I fight the tears that are threatening to form in my eyes. He looks at me intently, waiting for a response. I don’t say anything back. I just smile. It’s not that I don’t appreciate what he said or I’m ignoring him. I just don’t know what to say in this kind of situation. I don’t know what to say without breaking into tears. So, I just keep smiling at him.

We’re almost at the pedestrian lane but I see a car that pulls up at the side. Oh My God! FINALLY! Martin’s here with the car.

“Is this your ride?” He asks. I nod while looking at the floor to avoid eye contact. He opens the door for me and says “I hope we could catch up sometime Via…” He looks like he still has something to say but he bites his lip instead.

I answer him curtly. “Yeah. Maybe next time.”

I ride the car and wave him a goodbye before he closes the door. Martin lowers down his window and bids him goodbye as well.

Martin drives slowly at first, making me see with the corner of my eye Sammy waving at us, he waves at him as well before speeding up the car.

I let out a huff. The whole time it felt like I was not breathing, like I was holding my breath underwater. I’m gasping for air, I could feel my heart pounding and hot tears are forming in my eyes. I’m trying to make sense of what happened. All the while trying to make sense of what’s happening to me now. Sometimes I surprise myself at how overwhelmed I can be. But, sometimes I also surprise myself at how the word _overwhelmed_ can’t even begin to describe what I’m going through. 

I press my palms onto my eyes, blocking the tears from falling, and then I start counting to ten. As I count, I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. And slowly, I catch my breath.

I’ve developed this method back in middle school when I felt like I was going to suffocate myself from crying too much or from preventing myself from crying. I always run to the girls’ bathroom and lock myself in the cubicle until I’m back to normal. Sometimes shutting my ears work too. I just need to focus on counting slowly to whatever number I need and breathe steadily until I can calm myself down.

“Ms. Olivia?” Martin calls.

I don’t answer.

“Via?” He calls again as he glances on the rear view mirror to catch a glimpse of me. He only calls me Via on occasions that require him to establish his position as an 'older brother' figure.

“I’m okay Martin.” I tell him.

“I’ve called your name a bunch of times Via. You weren’t responding. You were just crying and breathing heavily…” he narrates.

“I’m sorry. I’m okay now. I just needed to—” I stop because to be honest I don’t know why I had to do that. Why I had no control over it.

“—breathe?” Martin asks.

“Yeah.”

Martin nods at me and apologizes for leaving me to deal with Sammy alone. He has seen this happen countless of times back in London, but according to him he still gets worried especially when he calls my name and I can’t seem to hear him. He said that it's like I’m inside a soundproof box that's made out of glass. I can see him, but I can’t hear or feel him there.

“Will I be dropping you off for a walk by the river Ms. Olivia?” he asks formally for some reason. I look outside and notice that we’re near my usual drop-off.

I’ve discovered that pathway one day coming home from my first day at the café. I told Martin that I felt stuffy inside the car and ordered him to drop me off somewhere so I can take a breather. He wasn’t too pleased that day since I made him park the car somewhere and follow me only to make him fetch the car again when we have reached the end of the pathway. 

After that day, I made it a habit to walk there after working at the café. Martin stays in the car though. He only did so after assessing that technically when he drives slowly along the road and matching it with the speed of how I walk, he’s doing his job of keeping the 5-meter radius thing. He also addressed the possibility of being attacked or kidnapped or whatever it is that could happen to a daughter of the president of a conglomerate. He noted that there are only three exit routes that a kidnapper can possibly use. The one near the drop-off. The river. And the area where Martin picks me up. But despite that he still gave me this small key chain that has a small button on the center. According to him, when I press the button, it would send off a signal to his phone telling him I’m in danger or something. I haven’t really tried it as I have no reason to do so yet.

“No, let’s head home Martin.”

“Okay… I guess your little reunion didn’t go too well.” He said jokingly. I just give him an empty laugh because him saying that is the most Martin-way to cheer me up.

I feel exhausted. I stare at the roof of the car. Contemplating again.

I was doing good lately. I didn’t have any of those episodes. The dark thoughts I have done so much to hide at the back of my head are creeping back in. I shut my eyes and think to myself “no, no, no, no.”

 

* * *

 

After running into Sammy on the streets, we would frequently see each other at Mother's café. I’m not sure how he found out that I work there but he’s always with some of our regular customers—probably his classmates. So, maybe it’s just pure coincidence?

Our interaction are limited to him smiling or waving at me when he comes. Sometimes he would be the one placing the orders and when he does, he would casually talk to me about stuff. Like how I was that particular day or if I have any plans after work. I would just say that I’m doing good and that I have to get home immediately to do my homework. I seem like a boring person now that I think about it. But, seeing him more often doesn’t make me feel like my head’s underwater anymore. At first, I did panic a bit when I saw him enter the café but after seeing him with his friends I’ve managed to calmed myself down. It’s still awkward when he tries to converse with me but that’s my problem, so I can’t really blame him for anything.

I’ve only noticed now that whenever Sammy comes up the counter, he always have this _really_ tall friend of his beside him. He would check out the merchandise that’s displayed on top of the counter or would just play with his phone while Sammy’s placing their orders. I say all ofthis because he’s standing in front of me now.

Alone.

Did I mention that he’s very tall? Because if I haven’t, **_he_ _is really_** tall. Taller than Sammy and Martin.

He’s not saying anything so I have to be the customer-accommodating staff and say “Hi.”

It takes a while before he says “Hello,” back. 

Again, he’s not saying anything. “Ugh. Dude, just place your orders already. I want to get back to not dealing with people and wash the blenders on the sink.” I say. Not out loud of course, just in my head.

I smile at him and ask “So, what’s your group ordering for today, sir?”

They’ll probably order two slices of the cake special, three cups of iced americano, two cups of iced caramel macchiato and one ice blended chocolate with whipped cream on top. Like they always do. 

“Uh— y-yes, right. Our orders.” He’s stuttering. Is he nervous over ordering food? He fumbled for the menu that’s placed beside the basket of organic potato chips. He looks at it very closely before looking back at me. “Uh—” It looks like he doesn’t know what to order. So I suggest, “Would you like to get your usual orders?”

“Yeah. Let's do that! We’ll take our usual orders!” He says a bit too loudly that I jump a little.

He grins to himself but suddenly stops and leans in towards the monitor between us. 

“Sorry, but what’s our usual orders?” he asks in a whisper.

I chuckle a little. Not because of what he said but because of his facial expression. He looks genuinely lost. He rubs his neck and let out a chuckle as well.

I narrate to him what their usual orders are.

“So, who do I make it out for?” I ask before I print out the receipt and hand him the coaster pager.

“Uhh wait, what?” He asks, clearly not catching what I just said.

“Sorry, usually it’s Sammy that places your orders and the guy with the shaved head—what was his name again?” The last part I really did not intend to say out loud. I meant to just wait until his name hit me. I bite my lip. I take a peek at the staff room to see if someone inside heard me. Our café’s manager — Ms.Yeeun— has told me that it’s courtesy to know the names of our regular customers. Something I really have no knack for, obviously.

“Sungjin?” He mentions his name. Do you know that feeling of remembering something you thought for so long and your face brightens up a bit? Yeah. I think I just did that in front of him. I get embarrassed a little so I face my monitor and ask him for his name instead.

“But, _your_ name is?”

“It’s Jae.”

I type in his name on the monitor but stop in the middle of it to ask for the spelling.

“Is it Jay as in, J-A-Y? Or is it like a nickname? just the singular letter J?”

I think I asked that a bit too seriously. Because I see the corners of his mouth lift up so high it probably reached his cheeks.

“It’s Jae, as in J-A-E.” I type in the letters as he narrates them to me. When I hear the last letter I look up to him because I find the spelling a bit unusual. I know. I’m too fixed on Western names. Blame the years I spent living in London.

“It’s short for Jaehyung.” He explains. I nod at him as I wait for the receipt to dispense from the machine. Then, I set the coaster pager with the same number as the one printed on the receipt. Afterwards, I hand him both.

He grabs onto my hand instead of the paper and device.

“What’s _your_ name?” He asks. Not letting go of my hand.

I stare onto his hand that is wrapped all over mine and the items I’m holding. My heart is suddenly pounding hard.

“Olivia.” I say unknowingly.

“Oh, It’s nice to meet you Olivia.” He shakes my hand before he lets go of it, grabbing the receipt and pager along with him.

The beating of my heart is now so fast I can feel the pounding on my temples. But for some reason this feels different. It’s not the same feeling when I get a panic attack. This has a lighter feel. It’s light yet it’s not like the character the feathers or the clouds give kind of light. But it’s more of like being wrapped around by something warm, soft, maybe even pinkish peach in color.

 


	4. Red Sunset

**—Olivia—**

My heart is still pounding like crazy. But, I walk back to the sink to continue washing the blenders. Moments later, Martin suddenly pops up behind me so I accidentally drop the blender back on the sink. “Martin! Don’t sneak up on me like that!” I say as quiet as possible. His face shows no remorse at surprising me.

“What happened with that boy over there?” He asks as he nods at Jae who’s now made it back to his table.

I take the sponge and squirt some soap onto it, ignoring what Martin had just said.

“I saw him grab your hand from where I was sitting. You didn’t seem to look like you needed help or that you were even bothered by it, so I just stayed put. Is he one of those pervert stalkers you used to have from St. Joseph’s?” he asks as he leans in on the counter.

I look over my shoulder and say, “He’s not from St. Joseph’s. Can’t you see he’s one of Sammy’s friends?”

“So, you’re saying that Sammy’s friend is a perv?” I twitch at his senseless question.

“What? I’m not saying that.” By now I’m scrubbing the sponge all over the blender too vigorously than it actually needs.

“Then why’d he hold your hand? Also, why did you let him hold your hand? I’m pretty sure I’ve taught you some self-defense techniques to whoop that boy’s grip away.” Martin’s being too sensitive that I’m beginning to get irritated.

I’m done with soaping the blenders so I throw the sponge back to its place and give Martin an annoyed look.

“I’m just saying, only douchebags or perverts do that kind of thing.” He leans in on the counter to put more emphasis on the statement. I sigh deeply at him before I return to rinse the blender on my hands. “Martin, if you did your job of keeping perverts away from me in the first place then we wouldn’t be arguing now would we?” I retort at him.

He scoffs, apparently in disbelief, “Oh come on, you can’t put the blame on me now. The last time I did my job properly you scolded me for making a scene and ordered me to be more subtle when we’re here at the café.”

“Then, if you’re so worried about boys like him then why don’t you get back here in the counter and help me fix their orders?” I say as I grab the kitchen towel to wipe the blender dry.

“That’s not part of my job description.” He answers back.

I look back at him with my right hand on my waist. He raises his hand as a sign of defeat. “There are times that I can’t believe you’re older than me. You act like you’re the child here.” I say to him as he goes behind the counter. He sluggishly enters the kitchen, I point to him where the extra aprons are kept so he could wear one. He looks at the orders that are printed in the receipt we get to keep and starts gathering the things that are needed for it. While he does so, I put my hand on my chest to check if my heartbeat is back to normal. It seems back. I’m not sure. So, I take a peek at Jae who’s talking to his friends. I turn away quickly as I can, afraid to be caught— both by Martin and him. I take a deep breath and try not to think about anything.

As I scoop out some coffee to put into the portafilter of the espresso machine, Martin’s words echoes in my mind. Why _did_ he have to hold my hand? And why _didn’t_ I pull my hand away? He wasn’t even gripping it that hard. You can’t even call it a grip to be honest, it’s a little more like his hand was just gently wrapped around mine. I could’ve pulled my hand away easily. Was it because I was caught of guard or was I too stunned with what was happening that I froze? I’m confused which is which. And looking back at it, he asked for my name, which I answered with no question at all. Why? _Why?_ **WHY?**

“Via, I think the portafilter has enough coffee powder already.” Martin casually mentions from behind me.

I look at the portafilter that I’m holding and it’s overflowing with coffee powder. “Oh, God.” I hiss under my breath. I scoop out the excess coffee and pour it back to the canister. I sigh as I put the portafilter into its slot in the espresso machine. Martin hands me the cup and I put it under the spout where the coffee will drip. I walk towards the kitchen counter where Martin prepared all the ingredients and materials needed to complete the orders but then Martin asks me, “Aren’t you supposed to push the start button so that the coffee will start brewing?”

“What?” I look back to where the machine is and realize that I haven’t turned it on. _Great job Olivia!_

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. _It’s okay. I’m alright. I’m good._ I plant my palm onto my forehead.

“Do you want me to turn it on?” Martin says. I awkwardly flash a smile at him because I know he’s saying that to mock me. He chuckles a bit before turning on the switch. The machine whirs and the coffee slowly starts to drip out.

Martin and I finish preparing the drinks as well as the slices of cake. We put the items on the tray placed on top of the pick-up counter. I go to the monitor on the counter to ring the pager but for some reason I hesitate. I look over the table where he is seated. “Want me to do it for you?” Martin says over my shoulder. I jump and almost hit him on the chin with my head. “Martin! I told you to stop sneaking up on me like that!”

It’s clear that he’s enjoying this.

“I can do this by myself, thank you very much” I jest at him.

“I still think he’s a pervert that’s trying to get to you.” He stresses at me. I punch in their number on the call system and look over to Martin who’s now waiting by the pick-up counter. “Then, all the more for you to do your job properly.” I instruct him.

A few moments later there he is, standing in front of Martin. That’s when I confirm that he is taller than him. Maybe a good four or five inches taller. Martin smiles at him and I see him nod at him as a greeting. Jae gets the tray and walks back to their table. My gaze follows him and suddenly, my face gets hot. _What the heck?_ He didn’t even look at me, let alone in my direction. After holding my hand like that? After asking for my name like that? I get embarrassed. Martin _is_ right. He is a pervert just trying to get to me. I’m annoyed at myself for even falling for that. There were students from St. Joseph’s that actually did tricks to try to impress me or something and I can’t believe that I, even if it was just for a while, was about to fall for that. Fixed over with my annoyance, I didn’t even notice that Sammy was also there to help grab their orders, not until he walks pass where I’m standing and says curtly, “Thanks, Via.”

I tell Martin, who is now sulking on one corner, that I’ll just work for another thirty minutes and leave since Ms. Yeeun will be arriving for her shift. I clean up the kitchen counters for a while and as I'm near done I hear the bell on the door ring so I look to check who has arrived. It’s Ms. Yeeun. 

I thank the heavens that she arrived earlier than I expected. As soon as she’s near me I greet her with a short bow.

“Oh, I wasn’t informed that Mr. Seo will be working here now as well.” She smiles at both of us. Ms. Yeeun has the sweetest smile that I don’t think any other person could have. When she was training me during my first weeks here in the cafe I always felt like I ate all the cakes we served. She’s just too sweet.

“I’m only helping out today Ms. Park.” Martin tells her. “Hmm, did anyone try to approach Ms. Olivia again?” she asks.

“Not exactly, but don’t worry, we didn’t cause any trouble this time.”

“That’s good to hear.” She casually respond as she enters the staff room. I could hear the other staff personnel who are taking their break greet her. I tell Martin to watch the counter because I need to talk to Ms. Yeeun and inform her that I won’t be finishing my shift.

As I enter the staff room, I see Ms. Yeeun reprimanding the other two baristas for taking a break too long and not assisting me. I remove my apron and cough a sound so she would notice me.

“It’s not their fault. I asked them to take a longer break.” I explain to her. “I know that, but it’s still not right for them to do so. And, you really shouldn’t tolerate them.” She scolds me. The only reason I let them do that is because I find it very exhausting to do work while socializing with them. I always get drained after which is why I just make them take longer breaks just so I could have at least half of my work shift alone. I look at the two girls who are now taking a peek at me. I smile at them and tell them I’m sorry. They mouth an “it’s okay” at me.

I tell Ms. Yeeun that I’ll be leaving already. She says, “Okay. Don’t forget to tell your mother I said hi.” She always say that.

“Sure, but please don’t give Sohee and Yubin such a hard time. It’s my fault anyways.” I smile at the girls who both quickly give me a thumbs up before Ms. Yeeun catches them.

I hang my apron near the lockers and wave the girls a goodbye before leaving the room. They bow and say goodbye at me simultaneously. 

I see Martin has already removed his apron and is waiting for me by the counter. “Ready?” He asks.

He walks out first and I follow him. On my way out I glance at the table where Sammy, Jae and their friends are seated. Judging by the empty cups and plates, it looks like they’re about to leave as well. I sneak a look at him again. He’s acting like he hasn’t done something. _Ugh_. _Olivia why are so affected by this? Stop thinking about it._ _Stop_.

I grab my earphones from my back pocket and plug it to my phone. Martin sees me and asks way too politely, “Before you shut yourself from the world, may I ask if you’ll be talking a stroll by the river today?”

“You’re pissed at me for scolding you earlier. I get it. So can you please stop with the sarcasm?” I tell him with my eyes narrowed at him. I’m already annoyed at myself. I don’t need him to annoy me as well. “Oh, I’m so sorry! Am I hurting your adolescent feelings?” I clench my jaw at his snideness. “Okay Martin, I’m sorry! You’re right he’s a pervert and I apologize for calling you a child earlier. So, can you please drop it already?” He catches on that I’m no longer in the mood to deal with him right now. So, he releases a deep sigh and says, “I’ve parked the car nearby this time. Let’s hurry so that you’ll be just in time for the sunset.”

I wear my earphones and grab my phone from my pocket to play a song. My playlists consists of just two genres—band music or sad ballads. Today, I choose to play some band music. And when I play band music, I play it loud. So loud, my eardrums cry.

A few songs later we arrive at my drop-off. I see Martin’s mouth moving through the rear view mirror. He’s saying something to me but I don’t really want to remove my earphones so I just pretend that I heard what he said. It’s probably just him reminding me that when there’s danger press the panic button and use some taekwondo moves he taught me until he arrives.

I push the door shut and start walking. I breathe in long and deep then as I breathe out I close my eyes and feel the wind hit my skin. Every time I walk here, I try as much as possible to not think about anything. And if I do end up doing so I just let it flow through my mind and try not to overthink it. Mind-exercises as Martin calls it. I usually fail at it though. Especially at the latter part.

As I walk, I notice that there’s no one else here today. Well, there aren’t that many people who take this path in the first place. It’s mostly just some old couple taking a stroll or some person walking their dog. Sometimes there would be someone exercising and jogging through this path. But other than those people, today, it’s just me and my thoughts. Yet something doesn’t feel right today.

I stop walking when I reach about half of the river. I reach through my back pocket to check on the panic button and continue walking. Do you know that feeling like someone is staring at you from afar? That’s what I’m getting right now. The music playing in my ears is not really helping, the drums and the guitars are escalating to an intense breakdown that I’m confused if the loud pounds are from my heartbeat or from the song.

I try to look to the side and check from my peripheral vision if someone is behind me. Quickly, I look forward. I think I saw a shadow. Someone _is_ following me. _Oh, God, is there where I die? Will this be my final moment in this earth?_

I click the control button of my earphones to stop the music. _Okay, Olivia, you have got to calm down. Remember what Martin taught you._

First, assess the situation. _I think we’ve established that someone is following me_. Second, find an escape route. The only escape route I have right now is to go straight. I could go to the river but that's too overly dramatic and I really do not want to get wet. _So, yeah. Straight_. Third… _wait what’s the third one again?_ _Crap._ Was it run for safety? I could always press the panic button and run but if I run now wouldn’t the creepy murderer run after me? I know some taekwondo but what if this man is thrice my size, Martin and I haven’t gone over that lesson of 'When the Opponent is Bigger than You' yet!

I slowly start walking again then a few steps into it I brisk walk away. But I hear the person following me walking fast as well. I walk faster and faster until I get tired and my pace slows down.  _I have to tell Martin to remind me that I need to exercise more._  Then as I'm trying to pace myself back, something bump me from behind. So I stumble and is about to fall face forward but my arm gets pulled really hard that I yelp a bit. Now, I’m standing with my two feet safely planted on the ground. And my right arm extended to my back. I realize someone behind me is holding my right arm. Panic rises inside me that I swiftly pull my arm forward along with the person holding me. I was about to position myself into a stance that would enable me to kick the criminal in the guts but the strength I used to pull my arm back apparently was too strong because the person behind me is now laying on his back right in front me.

It’s Jae.

“Ouch! Bro, you got some strength girl!” He exclaims as he tries to pull himself up.

This is crazy. _Is he really a pervert? Is he stalking me now?_ The thought of it enrages me that I forget to even ask if he’s hurt before angrily accusing him, “You really are a perv! So, what, just because I didn’t bat an eye at you earlier you try to follow me?”

He’s dusting off his pants but as soon as the words left my mouth and reaches his ears, he snaps his head up and looks at me straight in the eye with true and utter disbelief.

“Earlier, you were holding my hand and asked for my name only to pretend that nothing happened and now you’re here stalking me.” I cross my arms at him.

He scoffs, “Wait, wait, wait. I think you’re misunderstanding something here, Olivia.” He remembers my name and yet he has the nerve to ignore me right after he held my hand?

“First, I want to apologize for the hand holding that happened earlier. I know you wouldn’t believe me if I said this but it wasn’t me. Okay, it was me but my body betrayed me. It moved faster than I could even register what I was already doing. Again, it sounds very wrong but I hope you accept my apology.” He bows at me politely. My crossed arms becomes loose until he starts to talk again. “Second, I’m not following you.”

I crease my forehead and pull my eyebrows together.

“Sunset brick road is my way home.” He says.

“This place is called the sunset brick road?”

“Yeah, well, not officially but that’s how Brian and I call it at least.” He explains.

Sunset Brick Road. The name has a ring to it. It’s better than calling it ‘pathway by the river.’ _Ugh_. I hate to admit it but I might start calling this place that. I shake my head, “Please, don’t change the subject. Do you expect me to believe that?”

He scoffs for a second time but this time louder. “You were the one who changed the subject here. Believe anything you want, I discovered _this—”_ he gestured to the air with both hands emphasizing the whole place, “pathway, on my way home. Hence me naming it Sunset Brick Road.”

I get annoyed at him for saying that he discovered it, because in my head, I discovered this place.

“You didn’t discover this area because this is public property which means someone—a.k.a, the government—already discovered this first and made it into a pathway. Also, you naming this pathway doesn’t change the fact that _this—_ ” I copy the whole arm gesture thing he did earlier just to annoy him, “situation isn’t just pure coincidence. You’re a stalker.” I point at him.

He looks towards the sunset and started laughing.

_Is he going crazy? Is he about to attack me or something?_ I take a step back away from him.

“Do all of you pretty girls think that every man is out to get you?”

Pretty.

The word echoes through my mind and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve never really seen myself as pretty. Despite all the stares and attention that I get when I walk in the hallways at school or the amount of students from St. Joseph’s who tried to ask me out, I never once found myself pretty.

I bite the inside of my lower lip and resist the urge to kick this boy’s gut. I’ve learned that it’s not good manners to hurt someone just because they annoyed you. Actually, it's not good in general to hurt others just because you find them annoying. I learned that the hard way.

“You tell me.” I say to him before I start walking again. I fumble for my earphones that are dangling from my pocket. I could hear him call out for me. “Hey, wait up!” He catches up to me before I could wear my earphones.

“You accuse me of being a stalker and what just walk away?” He asks as he walks beside me.

I roll my eyes. “Doesn’t that sound familiar? You holding my hand, asking for my name and casually just walks away then pretending that nothing happened.”

“I apologized for that already!” He exclaims.

“Yeah, you did. But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen right? Try to fit yourself in my shoes! Say a random man just holds your hand out of the blue and then hours later you find that same man following you in a place that not many people know? Tell me how would that make you feel?” His face turns sad and apologetic. He was about to say something but I cut him off, “You don’t have to apologize again. I get it already. I’m sorry if I hurt you earlier when you fell.” I walk faster again after apologizing. But in just a few seconds he catches up to me. Again. _Curse you short legs._

“Olivia, I’m really sorry...” I feel the sincerity in his voice that I slow down and turn to look at him.

“I never wanted to make you feel that way. I'm really sorry for invading your personal space like that. And I know that holding your hand during that situation was really wrong but you have to believe me that I never have once thought of stalking you. Sure, I see you walking here from time to time whenever I walk home from hanging out with the guys at the café but that’s really just pure coincidence. I hop on the bus, get off, walk here at Sunset Brick Road and you just happen to be here before me. And it just repeats itself.” He explains everything so seriously.

I just stay silent and focus on walking forward.

I try to calm myself down before I try to say anything to him. But I just ended up thinking too much about how I probably just overreacted to the situation and how much I hate myself for doing so. I also remember how two years ago I didn’t care about myself and didn’t really care about what would happen to me. And having reminded of myself that makes me feel sad for some reason. My heart feels a bit heavy with how much I’m trying to make myself feel like I matter now. _Do I even have the right to think that I matter?_

A part of me feels like I do, another part thinks I don’t.

Overflowing with a lot of intense emotions, I didn’t notice the sun was already setting. If it weren’t for the blanket of red that enveloped the surroundings I would’ve missed it. So, I stop walking and stare at it.

Today, the sunset has a warmer feeling to it, maybe because it’s more of a crimson red color. It’s also more intense than the usual so I squint a little. Then, a breeze passes by. I close my eyes and breathe the air in. I keep my eyes closed for a while and see splashes of the red sunset color. As I see the spreading splashes, my heartbeats intensify. Yet, my breathing is slow and steady. I feel a lot of emotions and yet I don't feel like I'm suffocating. _Weird. This is a first._

My eyes slowly opens. The sunset in front of me is almost halfway through until it totally sets. It’s light pierces through the clouds and the sky is bathed in its color. It’s really—

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

I look at Jae who, I didn’t notice, has been standing beside me this whole time I'm engrossed with the sunset.

He’s staring at the sunset as well. The glasses he’s wearing is reflecting the light which weirdly accentuates his face. Then that’s when I notice that he’s smiling. He’s truly amazed at the sight in front of us.

I face forward and I kind of feel the same amazement he has plastered on his face. It reminds me of the first time I saw this place. That was the first time I actually felt thankful that I’m still alive. Seeing the sunset, feeling the breeze, smelling the river— these are the reasons why I make Martin drop me off here. Because, all of it serves as a reminder of the day when I decided to end everything as well as the day when I decided that I wanted to live.

I think to myself, _I want to live._

Even if I hear a voice inside that’s telling me that I don’t.

I still promised myself.

**I have to live.**


	5. White

**—Olivia—**

Contemplating about everything is something that I do a lot. It’s probably an incurable disease to me already. I try so hard not to contemplate about everything that I end up contemplating about how I can’t stop contemplating. Cool right?

I’m contemplating right now as I stare into this sunset. I only snap out of it when I hear a cough. He’s still beside me?

He’s looking down to my eye-level and I look up to his. We stare at each other for a few seconds until he coughs again and looks away. If what just happened was a staring contest I won that hands down. He’s about to say something but I don’t really want to hear it so I walk past him towards the direction where Martin will pick me up. Rude, I know.

“Hey! Wait up!” I hear him call to me as he casually walks up to my side _._ He really has unnecessarily long legs. I was about wear my earphones but he stops my right hand. I flinch at his touch, surprising him with my reaction. He rubs his neck, “Olivia. I know we got off at a wrong start. But, I hope you would forgive me and I hope you know that I’m not the perverted stalker you think I am.” Right after he spoke I let out a soft scoff.

I don’t believe him one bit. How can you trust someone you just met a few hours ago? Sure, he’s a regular customer at the cafe and he’s Sammy’s friend but other than those information, I don’t know him personally. It may sound conceited but what if he just befriended Sammy as part of his master plan of getting to me? Like those in the movies. Olivia, you really have to get out more. This is why Martin calls you a nerd.

But, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. If he does try something, judging by how he fell when I pulled him earlier, I could hold him off until Martin panics and runs to my location when I press the panic button. Get it? Why we call it the panic button? _Heh._

I didn’t notice that I was staring at him while I was having my inner monologue until he speaks, “What? Why are you looking at me like that? I swear I’m not out here to do something to you. I’m just on my way home.” He raises both his hands up and tilts his head sideways like he’s waiting for some kind of affirmation.

And as if I was possessed by some other worldly being,  I suddenly grab my phone and took a picture of him with his hands up in the air. I say under my breath, “Okay.” Then I turn the screen to him, “I’ll believe you. I’ll believe that you aren’t a perverted stalker and that all of this is just a coincidence.”

“Great! But why did you take—” I cut him off.

“Only after my trusted bodyguard investigates about you.” I push the screen of my phone closer to his face before stomping away.

He follows me while uttering some sounds of disbelief. “What’s that supposed to mean? Your bodyguard? You have a bodyguard? And he’ll investigate me?” He’s voice is so loud it’s echoing all over the sunset brick road.

“Yes. He’s the only person I truly trust in this world. And if he says your not a pervert who’s out to get me then I’ll believe you.” We’re near the pick-up point already so I walk faster. We reach the end of the sunset brick road. I look to my right and see our car flashing its hazard lights. I wave at it to signal Martin to come faster.

I snap my head over to Jae and say as sternly as I could, “If I find out that all you said were just lies and you’re really a creepy perverted stalker, I’ll have you know what it feels to have a broken arm and kicked balls. You copy?”

Martin stops in front of us and I ride the car not wasting one second, leaving him speechless and staring blankly into space.

I tell Martin to drive fast. He’s confused at the situation so he registers it late that it’s extremely important for us to leave quickly. But my continuous screaming of “step on the gas!” while I hit his arm, awakens his confused being. He accelerates without grace so I get pulled back at to my seat. Right, this is why seat belts were made. As the car swiftly drives away, I fumble for my seat belt. I look behind and see Jae’s figure still there, standing.

Once we’re in a good distance, I release a sigh. 

“What the hell happened there? Wasn’t that boy the same boy from the cafe? The Pervert Stalker Boy?” Martin is breathing like he ran a 5-meter dash. Must be the adrenaline rush. "Did he do anything to you?"

I stay silent, trying to absorb what just happened.

My phone which I haven’t realized I have been holding this whole time lights up when a notification for Wordscapes pops up. That’s when it hit me. What I just did.

“Oh my god.” I say under my breath.

“What? What’s wrong?” Martin worriedly asks. I can see him alternately looking at the road and glancing at the rear view mirror.

“I just took his picture and threatened to break his arm and kick him in the nuts.” I tell him as I chuckle out an awkward laugh and bury my face onto my hands. 

“You did what?!” He exclaims as he quickly pulls over the side of the road. It’s a good thing I wore my seat belt or else I would’ve found myself on the car floor by now.

Martin’s looking directly at me now.

“You took his picture?”

I nod. 

“And then you threatened to break his arm?”

I nod again.

He’s trying not to laugh. “And you threatened to kick his balls too?” I close my eyes realizing the regret.

I nod, “Like what I did to Andy from middle school.”

By now, he’s laughing out loud. “I knew that you can handle these kinds of situation and me giving you the panic button was just for extra measure but this is so hilarious, Olivia!” He is laughing in between words that I start to find what happened funny as well. Then, I tell Martin everything that happened from the very beginning. He’s laughing hysterically. I find it amusing that he’s really enjoying this.

“I don’t know what got into me—”

“It’s called defending yourself, Via. I’m not quite sure with the execution of it but this is way better than how you handled the Andy issue.” He says as he wipes the tears he got from laughing too much.

“How is this better?” I show him the photo I took and he bursts out laughing again.

He grabs the phone from my hand to see the photo more clearly. “This is so much better Via!” He looks at the photo intently and then turns to me with a soft look in his eyes. The one he has whenever I think I’ve done something that made him proud. “It’s better because now, instead of just hurdling head on and physically hurt the person _and_ yourself, you stopped and thought of how to handle it calmly— well, relatively calmly.”

He’s referring about the time I hurt this kid from class, his name is Andy Stevens. He’s this huge bully in school and me being the transfer student, he decided to pick on me. It wasn’t just me though, he bullied a lot of students. But, it didn’t help that I didn’t look anything or sounded like them so I had it harder than most of the other bullied kids. One day during my last year in middle school, I snapped. He didn’t do anything to me that day but our eyes met when we passed each other in the hallways. I blacked out after that moment of eye contact and all I remember was that I woke up in the hospital bed with bruises all over me. Martin showed me a CCTV footage which showed how I tackled Andy, twisted his arm and hit it with my knee multiple times. After that I kicked his balls while screaming at him. Moments later Andy’s friends came rushing over and started beating me up. I didn’t even fight back, I just let them hurt me. The fight ended when the teachers came and pulled the students away from me. Andy and I were both admitted in the hospital. His parents wanted to press charges against me but my parents’ attorney talked to them and settled it. I stayed in the hospital for a week. And in that one week none of my family visited. They were all away busy with work or is studying abroad. Not even phone calls. Nothing.

That was the low point of my life to be honest. I get teary just remembering it. Martin hands me my phone back, “You did well today, Via.” He smiles at me.

“You probably should do a background check on him.” I tell him trying to change the topic as I feel awkward. He looks forward and I hear him sniff a bit. Was he about to cry?

“I don’t know how to do that.” He says as he starts driving again.

“What do you mean? Wasn’t that part of your training as a bodyguard or something?”

“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed it Via but my training was solely focused on physically providing you protection and preventing you from getting into trouble. Background checks aren’t my area of expertise.” He explains like he’s teaching a student. 

“Don’t you have your seniors or colleagues that do this kind of work?” I ask. 

“Oh, you know who’s an expert at this?” He says to me with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“Who?”

“Your father’s bodyguard, Marshall.” I get cold sweats as soon as I hear the name. “NO! N-O! Not him! I know he’s your brother but you can’t ask him for any help. And don’t you guys have some kind of bad blood?”

“Yeah. I’m just joking. I don’t really want to ask him for any favors either. It’s your mom’s—” 

“No! You also can’t ask Sarah! My parents do not need to know anything about this. Let’s just keep it between the two of us, okay?”

My parents knowing less about my life is for the best. It saves the hassle of unwanted attention and drama from them. The thing about my parents is that, I do love them—don’t get me wrong—but sometimes they can just be too much for me to handle. They’re too overbearing individually and even worse when they’re together.  This is one of the reasons why I asked to move back here to Korea. They thought that the idea is a perfect opportunity for me to, according to them, “get my act straight”, especially after the incident with Andy. They don’t know that I just really wanted space from them as well as to be away from my two siblings.

“I think I know who can help us.” Martin says, I look at the rear view mirror and I see him smiling to himself.

“Who?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Someone. I’ll tell you once I find out anything about this stalker of yours.”

I try to pry any information about his secret investigator. But even when we arrive home, he insists on keeping it a secret. “You’ll find out when you find out! No need to rush it. Go do your homework or something, stop bothering me I still have to make rounds all over this unnecessarily extra house of yours.” He waves his hand like he’s shooing a fly away. The fly being me. I pout at him but he just ignores me. I click my tongue when he walks away, then I drag my feet towards the kitchen, where Auntie, our head housekeeper, has been waiting.

“Do you need anything Ms. Olivia?” She asks with her head down. 

“No, I’m just going to drink some water. There’s no need for you to serve me Auntie. I can get it myself.” 

Auntie is the oldest staff our household has. She’s been here even before I was born. Along with Martin, Auntie is one of those who raised me. But, when we moved to London she stayed here to keep the house and the staff in check. She would sometimes fly to London on special occasions but other than those she would be here. The reason why my parents even allowed me to come back to Korea without them was partly because of Auntie.

“How about dinner?” She asks as I pour water on my cup. 

“Dinner…” I left the word trailing in the air before drinking some water. I’m not really in the mood to eat anything, but knowing Auntie she’ll start cooking a lot again and serve me food if I don’t show her that I have or will eat anything.

“I’ll just have cereal.” I tell her. She nods and starts moving towards the cupboard. For someone as old as Auntie, she moves like she’s not yet turning sixty years old.

I open the refrigerator and grab the milk. She displays the boxes of cereal onto the counter top and places a bowl in front of me. “Auntie, that’s a lot of cereal. I can’t eat all of that.” I say jokingly.

She chuckles a bit, “I’m not saying to eat all of it, you need to choose which cereal you want to eat right? Although this hardly passes for a dinner, but at least you’ll be filling your stomach with something other than water and air.” I smile awkwardly at her comment. It’s not that I don’t eat. I do, I eat but there are days when I just don’t have any appetite at all and just end up laying down on my bed playing games, watching movies or reading a book. All of which she hates to see me doing. She says that I'm just wasting my life away when I spend hours doing those mundane activities everyday, which is why she convinced my mom to make me work at the cafe.

I grab the ‘Chocospheres’ from the cereal collection that apparently we’ve been keeping. Chocospheres are these chocolate covered puff balls that melts in your mouth and turn your milk into chocolate flavored ones. It’s quite delicious. And unhealthy if you look at it, which is why Auntie now has a frown on her face when I chose this cereal instead of the raisin bran or the wheat flakes. Yuck.

“I’ll eat this in my room, Auntie. You can go sleep now. I’ll clean it all up later.” I say to her as I hug the box of cereal, the bowl and the bottle of milk, in an attempt to carry all of it back to my bedroom.

Her face is full of worry so I hurry and head up. As I walk up the stairs she begins to nag, “You better eat! And don’t forget to brush your teeth! Also, please do not eat while laying down it’s bad for your digestion!”

I reach the top of the staircase. I let out a huff and turn to look down the stairs where she is standing. “Yes, Auntie I’ll eat but not on my bed and brush my teeth after. Good night!”

It takes me a couple of minutes to reach my bedroom door and I struggle to turn the knob without dropping the items I have on my arms. Once I get inside, I put everything down on the table I have in front of the TV. Then, I run and jump to my bed. Yes, bed, you are the best bed in this whole world!

I close my eyes and the world feels silent.

All I hear now is my breathing. So, I focus on that. But, a few seconds later I see the images of the sunset brick road flash through my mind. I feel the sleepiness coming so I fix myself on the bed and lay more comfortably. Then, I recall the odd things that happened today. Things that happened at the cafe, at the sunset brick road and at the car. And as I’m about to doze off, the picture I took of him flashes on my mind.


	6. Blue to Peach

**—Olivia—**

Morning has come and I wait for Martin on the front yard so he can drive me to school. I yawn despite having a full eight hours of sleep. The cereal I brought to my room was left untouched which led to Auntie giving me a scolding over breakfast. In my defense, I was really going to eat but my bed is really a sleep magnet. Once you lay on it, sleep just magically comes to you.

I check my watch and it’s 7AM. School doesn’t start until 8. I yawn again. “Where’s Martin?” I say to myself. He usually has the car ready by the time I step out of the house but today he was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t even there for breakfast.

Fifteen minutes pass.

I’m already seated at the staircase leading to our front door. I could call his phone but I’m not really rushing to go to school. If I were given a chance I would actually just skip school, but that’s something that isn’t really negotiable.

I see our car pull up the driveway.

“Sorry I’m late!” Martin apologizes as he steps out of the car. He opens the door of the back seat. I don’t really require him to do that for me but he says he can’t help it due to his training, so it became a habit.

“Where have you been Martin?” I narrow my eyes, attempting to intimidate him.

“I was out to do research.” He casually answers me like it's something that he does on a regular basis.

“Research?” I stop by the car door and place my bag inside.

“Yes, research. I’ll tell you more about it in the car...” he gently pushes me so that I enter the vehicle. “We’re gonna be late. We can’t have _t_ _he_ Olivia Kim have a tardy mark on her record right?” He says tauntingly.

“Ha-ha” I reply in a sarcastic tone.

I wait for Martin to tell me the reason he was out early this morning but he doesn’t speak. It’s only when we’re out of Springridge he starts talking.

“So, I got information on the guy you met yesterday.”

“Really?” I say a bit too enthusiastically. All the sleepiness I was feeling earlier is all gone.

“Yes. According to my source you can be rest assured that he’s not a pervert nor a stalker. Everything was just really pure coincidence.” He explains to me cheerfully. 

I’m not sure what to feel. “Are you sure about this?” I ask him just in case he's just pranking me.

“Yes. He’s not a pervert stalker. A shy admirer though? Yes.”

Admirer? I just shrug off the possibility, because knowing how Martin is, he tends to overreact with things.

“Isn’t that the same?” I say back to him. He chuckles at me and say, “Oh my sweet sweet Olivia, sometimes I forget how cynical you can be.”

“If you look at it closely the two are not really different from each other.” I tell him in the most matter-of-factually way that I can, as if I’m ready for some debate. He notices this so he tells me, “Yeah yeah yeah I don’t want to start this kind of conversation with you so let’s just leave it at that, okay?”

I won the debate even before it started. Yay.

“So, who’s your source?” I ask to change the topic of the conversation.

“Oh you know, just someone I know.” He answers me with uncertainty in his voice.

“Who?”

“Just someone.” He says curtly.

Him responding in that way makes me more curious and makes me want to pry out the info out of him.

“Then, tell me who it is. I need to know if your source is reliable or not.”

He fakes a cough, clearly trying to avoid answering my question. Then, I notice he’s about to say something but he hesitates. 

“Martin…” I say sternly, urging him to speak up.

“Alright. But promise me that you won’t freak out or anything on me, okay?”

My stomach suddenly feels like it’s on a roller coaster ride that’s only going down. With what he just said, I’m not sure if I still want to know anymore yet I still assure him, “Why would I freak out? I know you wouldn’t dare ask Sarah or Marshall. If you did then you just outright betrayed me…” I pause before I exclaim at him, “You didn’t ask _them_ right?!”

“OH GOD NO!” His voice fills up the car. I let out a sigh of relief.

“I might try to piss you off Olivia but I know my limits. Plus you know that I don’t get along with those two old geezers.” I giggle a bit at the word 'geezers'. But I stop as soon as Martin says, “I asked Sammy.”

“What? You asked who?”

“Sammy.” He says. 

I know I promised not to freak out, but I couldn’t help myself, I just did. “YOU DID WHAT?” I yell.

“Suzy was there too.” He adds.

“WHAT?” Now, my voice is the one filling up the whole car.

“Via, you said you wouldn’t freak out!”

I was about to yell something again but I breathe in deeply to stop myself from doing so. I’m cool, I’m not freaking out. It’s only Sammy and Suzy. Yeah. It’s cool. I hope it’s cool. Martin you piece of —

“I’m cool Martin, who’s freaking out? Not me. But can you tell me why in the world would you ask them?” I say the last part through gritted teeth, restraining myself from screaming at him.

“He’s Sammy’s friend right? So, I thought why not ask the person who, as far as we know, is close to our suspect. Hence, me going missing during breakfast. I visited his house this morning and he invited me in to eat with him. Little Suzy on the other hand, was something I did not foresee. She just happened to be there. So, yeah. We talked for a bit and there I asked them about him.” He explains in the most Martin way possible. Long and boring. As always.

I sigh and lay my head on the head rest. I say nothing to Martin because he only did what I asked him to and the logic behind it is too thought out I have nothing to rebut it. _Ugh_.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and ask, “So, what info did you get on him then?”

“Like I said earlier, he’s not what you accused of him and everything was just a coincidence. The hand holding thing that happened at the café, Sammy pointed out was really something that he did out of his will. He said that sometimes that guy can’t control himself and his weirdness. He also said, and I quote him— _Jae is going crazy right now though. He said Via called him a perverted stalker!—_ then Sammy and Suzy laughed at this part, I laughed as well— _Now, he’s all anxious and worried that Via hates him—_ end of quote.”

I’m not sure if I should be amazed at Martin for trying to tell that story imitating Sammy’s voice or if I should be annoyed at him, just because he’s the only one inside this vehicle that I can release my pent up annoyance at.

The car stops and I look out at the window. We’ve arrived at school already. I check my watch and I only have fifteen minutes until first period starts. He turns his whole upper body to look at me, “Should I open the door for you Ms. Olivia?”

I scoff at him, grab my bag and open the car door with so much force I think it got loose a bit. I get out but before I close the door I stick my head in the car and say, “Martin you know you’re the most annoying bodyguard ever right?” He begins to snicker.

“But I know you still love me Via.” I slam the door at his comment. I swear I could hear his laugh in my head.

I take a deep breath before entering the school building. Fifteen minutes before first period means the hallways are swarmed with students. I grab my earphones from the front pocket of my backpack but before I can even wear them someone calls my name. I turn and see that Suzy has just got out of her chauffeured car. Oh my goodness. Why now? Of all days? I’m not ready for this.

She runs to where I’m standing and wraps me around her arms as she squeals, “Via! It’s so nice to see you!”

I forgot how high her voice can go and how much of a hugger she was. She lets me go. I think she realizes that I find her sudden hug a little awkward so she steps back away from me.

“Sorry... it’s just I never get to see you at school! Whenever I go to your classroom on lunch breaks you’re never there and even after school ends I never get to catch you before you leave. And the time you handed me the game for Sammy, you just left it at my desk with a note. ” She says all of this as we walk together inside the building.

I don’t blame her for having a difficult time to look for me at the campus. I, with the best of my ability, avoid people. It’s a talent. Most of the students don’t come as early as I do, so when I arrive I get to have the whole classroom by myself. And once the students start to pour in I just pretend to be asleep. Then as soon as the lunch bell rings I go and eat at the rooftop or hangout by the greenhouse our school has. Both far from the cafeteria. After, I come back to the classroom before everyone does and when the day is over I have Martin pick me up at the back exit rather than the main entrance just because there are lesser students that use that place.

Now, if you think that I’m crazy to have thoroughly planned all of this, let me assure you that this happened through trial and error. First year I try to shut the world by just minding my own business through books and listening to music but that only worked for a while. To me areas where a bunch of students can be found are not safe places—the hallways, the classrooms and don’t get me started with the cafeteria!

I always hear them talk about me and my life as if I’m their late night reality show. All because I’m the daughter of the president of SKZ Corporation. So, if I wanted to avoid all those whispers and gossips that my classmates keep on doing, I had to explore places in the school that nobody goes to.

But right now, students are giving weird looks at me and Suzy. And as we pass them that's when they start to whisper, like I don’t see them do so. It’s rare for them to see me talk to anyone. I think the only time students get to hear my voice is when I get called by the teacher, or when I do my duties as class president—one that I don’t even do that much since I was basically just forced by our teacher to take on the role. I let the vice president do most of the tasks, not that I asked her to do it, she insisted to so I let her. But that’s not the point right now, the point is everybody’s tuning in to a sudden special episode of 'Keeping up with the Olivia Kim'.

“Everyone’s amazed to see you walk and talk with another student.” Suzy leans in and whispers to my ear. She, like Sammy, hasn’t changed. She still has the knack to state the obvious. “Amazed? More like intrigued.” I say to her and she laughs with her 'Suzy' laugh. 

We reach the door to her classroom, I give her a small smile and continue walking to go to mine. Then, she calls my name. “Via!”

I look back at her. There are students from her class that’s peeking through the windows and some are even standing by the door watching us.

“Maybe we can grab lunch together?” she asks shyly.

My heart feels heavy. I’m not sure what to say to her, I know she’s doing this with good intentions. It’s so we can catch up to each other and rekindle that closeness that we had but I don’t know if I’m ready. I just don’t know if I want to or not. I feel like I want to but, I’m scared.

“Uhh—” I feel my eyes quivering.

“It doesn’t have to be today!”

I stare at her.

“And it doesn’t have to be at school.” She gives me a soft smile. 

I smile at her too and nod. Acknowledging everything she said. Then I continue to walk towards my classroom. But Suzy calls for me again,

“Via! Class C is just here okay? Just one classroom apart from Class A. I’m in this classroom.” She points to the sign by their door that says 'Class 3-C'. I smile and nod at her again. It’s not that I don’t know where her classroom is, I just really didn’t think she wanted me to be her friend again after going MIA.

I appreciate her not pushing me to eat lunch with her. She’s really the same Suzy that I know. She may seem to be spoiled especially whenever she’s with Sammy but in reality she’s the most considerate person out of us three. When we were kids, she always waited for me to say everything to her willingly. And, now she’s still waiting. I miss talking to her. But the thought of telling her _everything_ scares me so I just swallow all of it to myself and keep it locked.

I enter my classroom and everyone suddenly turns silent. I’m pretty sure they were all talking about me. I just go straight to my seat, avoiding all eye contact. I grab my stuff from my bag and slowly the whispers are starting. I begin counting. Focusing on the numbers in my heads, so that I don’t hear anything else except my voice. The whispers disappear the moment the school bell rings and Mr. Nichkhun enters the classroom.

Other than my run in with Suzy this morning the day went on as usual. Students were swooning over Mr. Nichkhun as he did his lectures. I hung out at the greenhouse today, playing Wordscapes as I munch on the sandwich Auntie made for me. It’s peanut butter and jelly. Yum.

Last period comes to an end. I head to the back exit and see Martin waiting for me by the hood of the car. I remember what he did to me this morning so I decide to scare him. But as I was about to jump, he jumps and scares me instead.

He laughs too loudly that some of the students are looking at us weirdly.

“You really are the world’s most annoying bodyguard ever!” I punch his arm.

In between laughs he says, “You can’t possibly think that you can scare me like that right? The moment you’re within the 5-meter radius I know where your location is...” he puts his fingers onto the top of his head and continues “I have a radar that finds a girl who’s height is less than five feet.” I roll my eyes and punch his arm again. His laugh gets louder.

“You’re weird and annoying. You do know that right?”

He nods at me with that mocking face of his, then he opens the car door for me, “There was never a day that you don’t remind me that I am.”

I imitate his mocking face before heading inside and he laughs again. I laugh as well. This small bantering of ours is always a breath of fresh air for me especially after being locked for hours in an institution that forces you to shove knowledge into your brain. No matter how annoying Martin can be he’s still the best. But I don’t tell him that.

I put my backpack beside me and grab the duffel bag on the car floor. I open it up and grab the jeans Martin conveniently has for me so that whenever I decide to work at the cafe I have a change of clothes. Martin starts the engine and checks on me through the rear view mirror before he begins driving. He almost never asks me if we will be going to the caff or not, if he sees me grab the clothes he immediately knows. Like clockwork.

I remove my blazer and place it on the duffel bag. I wear the jeans underneath my tartan skirt before I put on my seat belt. Since I go to the cafe after school my usual outfit is just my white school blouse and blue jeans. My shoes stay the same: white worn out chucks.

For some reason I’m excited to work today. I’m not sure why but I feel like I’m looking forward to it. Martin notices this. “You look happy today, did anything good happen?” He asks.

“Nothing interesting happened—” then I remembered my run in with Suzy this morning. “Oh, yeah I met Suzy this morning right when you dropped me off.” He gasps a bit, “Really? And you didn’t panic?”

Now that he mentions it, I didn’t panic. Well, relatively.

“Yeah, I didn’t. That’s new.” I’m amazed at myself. Is this real?

“That’s great!” He exclaims.

“We talked a bit. Well she did most of the talking, the other students were really enjoying the new episode of Keeping up with the Olivia Kim though” I note the last part resentfully.

“Well, at least they have something new to talk about you other than your lunch escapades to the greenhouse for your daily challenge of Wordscapes.” He retorts.

I let out a small laugh and say, “You do have a point.”

This day feels peaceful right now. I feel calm and normal. Like if my body has a mood meter it would be right in the middle line. Amazing. I haven’t felt this way for a while.

But an hour into working in the cafe, the meter is going down. I feel a bit blue now. Is it because the cafe has just two customers today? And one of them is Martin. So technically we only have one. I usually enjoy having slow days at the cafe because it means lesser work for me. But for reasons I don’t understand, I’m not enjoying the quietness of the shop today. Most of our regulars aren’t here. Weird.

Martin comes up the counter with his empty cup,

“Today’s a slow day.” He brings the cup over the sink and washes it himself.

“I know. It’s awfully quiet today.” I tell him.

“Maybe because that group of friends, the ones with little Sammy, aren’t here today.”

“Yeah…” I say under my breath.

Martin then looks at me funnily when he finishes cleaning up after his cup.

“What?” I raise my eyebrow.

“Nothing.” He shakes his head side to side with a skeptical look in his eye.

“What?” I say with more force.

“Nothing.” He says with equal strength.

He can’t possibly be thinking that I’m disappointed that they’re not here today, because if he does, he’s wrong. I’m not disappointed. No. I’m not.

I wait a few more minutes and it seems like there will be no more customers arriving during my shift so I tell Yubin that I’m going to clock out already.

Martin and I head out to where he parked the car and as soon as we ride it he asks his usual question, “Will you be talking a walk today, Ms. Olivia?”

With no hesitation is answer him, “Yes. Let’s go to the sunset brick road.”

“The what?” He looks back to my seat.

“What do you mean what?” I ask him, confused at his sudden question.

“Just now… you called the pathway by the river ‘sunset brick road’, as far as I know that place doesn’t have a name. Since when did you call it sunset brick road?”

In all honesty I didn’t know that I called it sunset brick road right now. I don’t tell him that I got it from Jae. So I bluff. “I don’t know maybe it just came to me.”

“Just came to you?” He asks. I find the way he said it a bit insulting so I say to him gruffly, “Yeah. It just did.”

He hums a tone and peers at me with his eyes like he’s trying to get something out of me.

“If you say so.” He drops the issue and starts driving.

A few minutes later we arrive at the drop-off. He reminds me of what to do when there’s danger, I heard all of it but only half of it sinks in.

“See you on the other side.” I say to him before closing the door.

I take a walk but today, surprisingly, I don’t feel like doing it with my earphones on.

Everything feels so new. It feels like this is the first time I’ve ever visited this place. And me calling it sunset brick road makes it even more brand new. All of it seems so different when I’m not drowning myself with music. I’ve always thought that if I don’t listen to music when I’m outside then everything would be so loud, but right here, it doesn’t. Just like how it looks like, the sunset brick road sounds so serene.

Yet, I feel like something is missing. And that something is making me feel blue.

As I casually walk, I get restless looking all over the place for that something I feel is missing. I hear footsteps behind me so I look back swiftly and for some reason I get disappointed at seeing a middle-aged woman wearing the typical sun visor jog with her dog.

Was I expecting someone else? Was I expecting for _him_?

I sigh to myself. Olivia, you can’t possibly be looking for him right? Because why would you even look for him? You don’t have anything related to him. So why, right?

And just when I have decided to myself to move along and not think about him, a head pops out to my right side.

I get startled, so I jump a bit and my reflexes almost punch that person right in the middle of the face.

After a few seconds, I’ve calmed myself and recognized the person’s face. It’s Jae.

Apart from getting a surprise, I feel a bit of relief.

He’s trying so hard not to laugh at me but it’s clear that he finds what happened funny. I squint my eyes at him, to show my slight annoyance at him. He stops laughing and starts to fake a cough. But, before I tell him off, I get reminded of what I did to him. How I accused and threatened him.

I swallow my pride and say, “I’m sorry.”

The look on his face when he hears me kind of leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. He looks too shocked. He snaps out of it when I start to walk away. “Wait, why are you sorry?” He asks me.

The apology I said earlier tastes more bitter now. Why must he even ask me why.

I swallow my pride for the second time.

“For accusing you as a perverted stalker and threatening to do physical damage to you.”

He realizes the situation and a smile grows on his face.

His cheekbones rise up.

“So you’re not mad at me?”

I shake my head to assure him that I’m not mad. There’s no reason for me to be mad anyways. And, I don’t even know him that well to begin with to be genuinely mad.

We continue walking together without a word for a while until he, out of nowhere, asks me,

“So what’s the deal with you and that guy who’s always in a suit?”

I get taken aback at his question. Guy in a suit? Is he referring to Martin?

“Do you mean Martin?” I answer his question with a question.

“Yeah, at first I thought he was just another regular customer just like me but then I saw him help you that day we first talked to each other, so I thought maybe he’s the manager of the cafe. But then later that same day I saw him drive the car you hopped into. So, I thought maybe he’s your boyfriend or something.”

“BOYFRIEND?” I yell at him. He gets surprised at my sudden outburst. I don’t know why he even thought of us that way but YUCK. Eww. Martin? Boyfriend? That would be considered as incest!

"He’s my bodyguard!” I say defensively.

His cheekbones rise up again. It makes his eyes look small.

“Cool.” He says to me.

“I’ve heard from the homie, Sammy, a bit about you and your family but I still don't get why you need a bodyguard? Why does he always have to be where you are?” He talks a lot. And the amount of questions he’s asking are putting me off. So, I cut his continuous questions.

“I’m sorry but are we in that kind of relationship where we just casually ask each other about our life story?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “We can if you just tell me.”

“Well, I’m not telling you anything.” I retort. 

“Why not?” 

I look at him with judging eyes. “Just because you aren’t a perverted stalker does not mean that I trust you to tell you about myself.”

I think I’ve made my point because he is now humming a tone and slightly nodding his head.  

“Then, I’m gonna make you trust me.” He says nonchalantly.

Suddenly, the peach color feeling is coming back.

“Yeah, right. I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

I didn’t notice that we were walking together for a while now until I see the end of sunset brick road.

He smiles at me and says, “Wanna make a bet?”

I scrunch my eyebrows at his suggestion. Why is he doing this? What’s his point?

“If I can make you trust me—” he pauses with a humming sound, trying to find the words to say. He continues, “If I can make you trust me as much as how you trust your bodyguard homie—maybe even more—” he pauses again. By now we have reached the end of sunset brick road and I see my car slowly heading towards us.

He turns to me and declares, “You have to buy me boba.” I scoff a laugh. Where is he getting this kind of confidence? And is it weird that I’m curious at the reason why he wants boba?

“I don’t think it is possible for us to be even friends. Let alone have this kind of bet about trust.” Well, I’m just stating the truth, because how can we be friends? The only time we see each other is here at sunset brick road or at the cafe which I want to point out, he was nowhere to be found in today.

He shrugs his shoulders and pouts his lips. “What do you have to lose?” 

If you look at it, it’s true. I have nothing to lose. If I do end up trusting him like he says. Then I just end up with someone I can trust other than Martin and if he loses the bet then it’s like nothing really happened. We go back to how we were before we even started talking to each other. But then, I also want boba.

“If you lose, _you_ have to buy me boba.” I declare.  

And just as you thought his smile couldn’t get any wider, he smiles at me to the point I don’t see his eyes anymore.

I open the car door which happens to be already pulled up in front of us. “See you again tomorrow.” He says to me, still smiling so wide. I go inside and before I get to close the door. He bends over to peek inside the car, “Bye Olivia.” I just look at him and pull the door to a close.

And I smile to myself. Feeling that light peach color envelope me again.


	7. Yellow Sunset

— **Olivia** —

The words ‘see you tomorrow’ echo in my head. I smile to myself like a crazy person. It’s kind of weird that I feel like this. “I can feel the good energy you’re radiating from here.” Martin says as he glances on his rear view mirror. See, even Martin notices how weird this is. I press my lips together and pretend that I was not just smiling alone.

“You didn’t see him at the cafe but at least you got to walk with him at the sunset brick road.” I don’t understand, why is he saying this to me? It doesn’t really matter if I see him or not. We’re not anything to each other. Nothing. “I don’t _need_ to see him Martin. Just like you said before, he’s just on his way home. And this is just pure coincidence again.” I tell him. Trying to dismiss whatever it is that he is insinuating.

“I’m just saying, ‘cause you look a little disappointed at the shop earlier.” He teases. I purse my lips and defend myself, “I wasn’t disappointed.”

“Sure sure. You weren’t.” He teases again.

I just roll my eyes, not that he could’ve seen it though, he’s busy driving. I just did it with hopes that he sensed it.

Then I hear the words ringing in my head again. I look at the window, rest my left elbow on the car door and cover my mouth with my hand. I’m smiling to myself again.

* * *

The cafe today isn’t full but it’s not as deserted as it was yesterday. Yet, our regulars aren’t here.

That blue feeling is back.

I leave the cafe after working for an hour.

On our way to where Martin parked the car he says, “Those guys didn’t visit the cafe again. I wonder what’s up. Did they get tired of the coffee and cakes you serve?” By the way he said the last part I know he’s trying to annoy me. I ignore him and pretend I didn’t hear a thing. Instead, I wonder to myself why they no longer visit the cafe. And those thoughts occupied my mind the whole drive.

Like yesterday, I feel like something is missing as I’m walking through the sunset brick road. I don’t wear my earphones so I can enjoy the sounds the place gives me. Then a few minutes into it, I hear jogging footsteps behind me. I resist the urge to look behind as it might just be another woman jogging with her pet.

But, a head pops up on my side. This time I don’t get as surprised as I did yesterday.

“Hi.” He says as he looks straight to my face.

“It’s you again.” I try to sound unenthusiastic. Emphasis on the word _try_.

The corners of his lips rise a bit before says, “Yes. It’s me again.”

I don’t say anything mostly because I don’t really know what to say. Other than Martin and Auntie I don’t really talk to anyone, let alone socialize. He realizes that I’m not going to be talking so he initiates the conversation, “How was the cafe today?”

I stop myself from answering him sarcastically that if he had only dropped by today he would know how the shop was. But if I say that then it would seem like I was waiting for him to visit the shop. So I just say, “It was okay.”

“Man, I miss going there. I know it’s only been days since me and the guys went there but I didn’t know I’d miss it this much.”

He misses going there?

I try not to smile to myself again. I wonder why they don’t get to visit anymore though. I was about to ask but he suddenly starts explaining.

“I would love to," He suddenly coughs so I look at him, then he continues, "I mean _we_ would love to drop by but our practice lately has been too much that we all don’t have enough energy left to hang out.”

Practice? Are they part of some club? I try to remember if I picked up anything from their conversations when they’re at the cafe. Unfortunately, I haven’t. I want to ask him but I couldn’t really muster up the courage to do so. Because wouldn’t it be weird if someone you just met a few days ago suddenly wants to know more about you?

He looks at me and suddenly says, “You’re probably wondering what do we do to be practicing after school?” My eyes widen. He just read my mind.

He smiles at me. “Well, Olivia, your boy right here, is part of the baseball team.”

My eyes widen even more. “You play baseball?” Although it wasn’t my intention to say it in a mocking matter, the words just came out of my mouth that way.

He scoffs and say, “What do you mean by that?”

His voice is so loud.

“No offense, but you really don’t strike me as someone who does sports.” I shrug at him.

He raises his left arm and flexes it to show me his biceps. “What do you mean? Don’t you see these guns right here?” 

I laugh at his gesture.

“Why are you laughing? Can’t you see this?” He shows his arm to me again and by this time he’s laughing along with me.

His laugh fills up the whole place but the sunset brick road still looks and sounds so serene.

“How about you? Do you play any sports?” He asks me with seriousness on his face, as if he wasn’t just cracking a joke earlier. 

“What do you think?” I give him a chance to give his opinion based on how I look.

He suddenly stops on his tracks while I stop just a step ahead of him. He puts his hand on his chin and caresses it like he has a mustache while scanning me from head to toe.

“Hmm… I think you do. And by the strength you had when you pulled me the day we first met, I’m positive that you’re part of some kind of sports club too.” He says that with so much certainty I feel bad for him.

I start walking and he soon follows. The moment he reaches my pace I turn my head to him, “You’re absolutely…” I pause and see the look on his face. He looks so expectant. It makes everything more funny. I fight the urge to burst out laughing. Oh gosh I’m so annoying. I think I hang out with Martin too much.

“—Wrong.” I say with an expressionless face although the look on his face is making me laugh on the inside.

“You’re kidding! That can’t be right. You must do some kind of sports, you can’t be that strong without any form of training or activity.” He says.

I give out a small laugh before explaining, “I’m not part of any sports club but I do know some taekwondo.”

His face brightens up. “See. I knew you had something up your sleeve. No girl your size could have done that without any training.”

I purse my lips. _Girl my size._ “You do realize that what you just said was wrong in so many ways. But the most important I want to point out is that you’re saying that I’m short.” He looks surprised at first but later on replies, “I didn’t mean to insult you or anything by that. But, if I do this—”, he suddenly comes closer to me and looks over my head, his chest just a few inches away from my face, “I can’t see you—” he jokes.

I roll my eyes and walk away. He snickers at his own joke before catching up to me again.

“All jokes aside though, standing next to you made me realize how small you are.” I don’t know how to respond to that comment.

“I’m not small. You’re just too tall.” I say back to him.

“So, you don’t like tall guys?”

I look at him and he’s focusing on the path in front. Do I not like tall guys? I really haven’t thought of what I like and what I don’t like. Being trapped in my thoughts doesn’t really mean I have enough head space to even think about preferences on guys.

I hum a sound before answering him, “I really don’t have a choice, everyone is just simply taller than me.” He smiles at my reply, still not looking at me.

Halfway through the sunset brick road, he probably asked me a hundred of questions already. From how I learned taekwondo to what kind of music I listen to.

He talks a lot. And yet he listens intently despite my terse answers.

I notice this because he manages to connect our conversation so smoothly I didn’t realize that what’s he asking me aren’t really personal questions or those that need a lot of time to think about, but really superficial questions. It’s kind of refreshing.

We’re almost at the end of sunset brick road. We both turn silent.

As we reach my pick-up point he breaks the silence and says, “Thank you for this wonderful conversation Olivia. I had a really nice time talking to you.”

“I know you’re just saying that to be polite.” I’m pretty sure that at some point he got bored with trying to talk to me. Especially with how I just answer him with short sentences or phrases. Contrary to how people perceive my life is, I’m a pretty boring person, and talking to me really emphasizes that fact.

He shakes his head, “No, really. I really did enjoy talking to you.” I hear the seriousness in his voice.

I just stare at him. Martin pulls over in front of us and Jae opens the car door for me. I hop inside.

He peeks inside and says, “See you tomorrow.”

This time I smile at him. He smiles back.

He gently closes the door and I smile wider.

I look  outside the window and see him waving goodbye. I stop myself from trying to do the same.

Martin drives the car and slowly Jae’s figure gets smaller as we move farther. I lay my head on the headrest and smile at myself, but I feel my smile slowly turn into a frown.

Is it okay to feel this way? Is it okay for me to want to see him? To want to be his friend? Do I even have the right to feel this way?

A voice in my head tells me that I don’t. Telling me that I’ll end up just hurting myself because he doesn’t really want to be my friend. That he’s doing all of that just so he could win that bet, that he’s just doing that because he knows I’m the infamous Olivia Kim. That I’ll just hurt him like how I hurt Sammy and Suzy. That I can never be a good friend to anyone so I can’t be his friend. That...

I close my eyes and try to shut off the voice. Do I really don’t deserve to be his friend? I keep on having this thought over and over that I didn’t notice that Martin was calling me.

“Via!” He shouts.

“I’m sorry Martin, were you saying something?” I ask him as I try to shake the thoughts out of my head.

“You were frowning. You look like you were about to cry.” His voice sounds worried.

“No, it’s nothing. I was just thinking.”

He doesn’t speak for a while but I think he just couldn’t help it so he asks me, “Did something happen?”

Nothing happened, it’s just the self-doubt is too strong right now. But I don’t tell him that.

“I told you it’s nothing.”

He glances over the rear view mirror to check on me, I catch his eyes so I awkwardly smile at him.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause at first I thought you had a great time walking with that boy today but then suddenly I saw your face all gloomy.”

“It’s just—” I stop myself. He doesn’t pry me to tell him anything but he says something that somewhat reassures me, “Whatever it is that you’re worrying, I hope you forget about it. Just go and enjoy yourself, Via.”

Maybe it is okay.

Then I recall everything that we talked about earlier. It was just small talk but it felt like a big thing for me.

Maybe it is _really_ okay.


	8. Orange Glow

— **Olivia** —

Today, for some reason I’m not in a good mood. I woke up and everything just feels annoying. Taking a bath? Annoying. Wearing my school uniform? Annoying. Eating breakfast? Annoying. Finding everything annoying? SO annoying. I want to hit myself. Why am I like this? It’s not like I’m on my period now or something. Even on the way to school I’m in an irritable state. In order not to lash out on Martin I wear my earphones throughout the drive. I play some indie band music to try and help calm myself.

School went on as usual. I stayed in the greenhouse during lunch break and played my daily challenge of Wordscapes. This time Auntie prepared a tuna sandwich for me, which I devoured quickly. Then I went back to the room and now last period is just five minutes away from ending. I'm doodling on my notebook thinking if only time can go faster at this very moment.

The school bell rings and I rush to fix my stuff into my backpack so I can leave already. But suddenly Mr. Nichkhun calls my name, “Olivia, can you come here for a second?” He waves me to come up in front. My palms get sweaty. I zip my backpack and throw it on my back before walking up to him.

Why is he calling for me? He never calls for me. Except when I need to hand in some report or something but he only does that when he feels like I haven’t had any participation points in class.

“Yes sir, is there any problem?” I ask him, clutching the strap of my backpack.

“I know that you and Ms. Hyerim arranged how to do your tasks as the class president and vice president of Class A, but today, I hope you could step up and perform your duties as the president.” He’s talking with that sweet and soft voice of his, one which gets all the students to fall for him, but that doesn’t help with the anxiety I’m feeling and the cold sweats forming on my back. What does he want me to do?

I look around the classroom to look for Hyerim but the only students left in the classroom are those who I think are Mr. Nichkhun’s admirers. I ignore the fact that they’re whispering to each other and are giving me looks. Mostly because I’m nervous with what he’s about to say to me.

“Hyerim was supposed to do this task but an emergency came up. She told me to tell you that she’s sorry but she hopes you understand…” That explains why she’s nowhere to be found. She’s usually one of the last ones to get out of the classroom.

I don’t complain because technically whatever Hyerim is doing is supposed to be my job since I’m the president. I’m already so thankful to her for saving me from the social exposure being president entails.

I just nod at Mr. Nichkhun, still holding on tight to the strap of my backpack.

“In line with the school’s vision of camaraderie, St. Mary is coordinating with our brother school—” I freeze the moment I heard ‘brother school’. Brother school? That means St. Joseph’s!

Ugh. Can this day get any more annoying?

I continue to listen, “St. Joseph, in supporting their baseball team who’s made it to nationals again this year.” He says.

He hands me a bunch of compiled papers, “Here are the papers that Hyerim put together. It has all the details of what needs to be coordinated with their president. She told me that you can just write it in bullet points and she’ll just pick up on whatever you manage to accomplish today.” I nod absentmindedly. I’m hearing what he’s saying but it’s not really registering in my head.

“Hyerim also told me that Chan waits out in front, so you could just meet him there.” I stare at the papers he’s holding, not reaching out for it. He notices this so he pats my shoulder and say, “I know that you’re not really comfortable with talking to other students, but I know that deep inside you can do it. It’s just for today Olivia.” He gives me his signature smile which makes the girls waiting for him in the corner of the room squeal. I give him an awkward smile as I reach for the papers on his hand. He cheers me on before leaving the room, bringing the loitering students along with him.

My shoulders drop down and I sigh.

Why is this happening to me?

I dial Martin’s number on my phone so I can inform him of the sudden task assigned to me. 

“Martin, change of plans today, I have to do some president duties.” I tell him over the phone as I walk in the hallways. 

“Oh wow, what happened to the vice-pres?” He asks.

“Emergency. Meet me up in front. Be there in five minutes okay?” He hums a sound and I end the call.

The reason I’m president despite my animosity towards being exposed to the student body is because St. Mary has this weird tradition of making the top student the class president which automatically makes you the president of your batch. I do not understand the logic of this to be honest. Just because you’re the top student doesn’t mean that you’re also leader material.

Unintentionally, I happen to be the top student, which makes me the president while Hyerim is second, which makes her vice-president, so on and on. The same practice happens at St. Joseph. Their top student is their president.

I say unintentionally because it’s not like I’ve ever dreamed of being the top student, it just happened that way. The thing is I don’t particularly enjoy studying but since I pretty much have all the time to myself, other than playing games and movies, I indulge myself in reading books. Yes, even our school textbooks. I know, weird. Believe it or not I wasn’t like this before but I’ll get to that next time. Right now I have more important things to deal with and that is this task at hand.

I arrive at the main entrance. The students who are waiting for their chauffeurs are all looking at me. Surprised that I’m out here. I keep my head down to avoid more people noticing me.

I search for Martin and after a few seconds of looking around, I see him standing by one of the pillars, waiting. He notices my presence so he casually jogs towards me.

“I contacted the shop to tell them you won’t be working today. So, what’s up? What do you need to do?” He asks me so I hand him the papers that Mr. Nichkhun gave to me. He glances over it and wrinkles his eyebrows.

His eyes scan the document and after a few seconds he nods his head and hands me the paper back.

“This is easy, you can finish this in no time. What do you need me for?” Clearly he doesn’t understand the situation. I explain to him that I need to work with the student president from St. Joseph.

“Oh.” He says.

“ _Oh_ indeed.” I sigh.

One reason why I use the back entrance is because St. Joseph is literally just in front of our school. And students from the other side tend to wait for me by the gates with hopes of asking me out for a date or something. I know, I know, I must be _so_ full of myself to say something like that. I'm pretty sure other girls would die to be fawned all over by boys. Not me, though. I hate being the center of attention. Especially from boys. Martin also grew tired of having to cast away so many guys after school. And there were several incidents when guys would pretty much stalk and harass me to go out with them just because they’re from 'so and so' family, which is why we have our current arrangements, to avoid all the trouble. To avoid being seen by people. To live like I’m invisible.

“Well, it’s not like the person’s going to eat you alive so there’s really nothing to worry about Olivia.” He pats my shoulder to give me some assurance and comfort.

It doesn’t though.

“That’s easy for you to say—”, I place my hand on my chest, “to me no one is easy to talk to.”

He scoffs, “Says the girl who works at a coffee shop.”

I scoff back, “You know that’s different.”

He suddenly starts to snicker, “Yeah and we both know why.” He nudges my arm with his elbow and sends me weird repeated winks.

Nope. You’re the only one that knows Martin. I don’t understand what he’s trying to say so I just shake my head side to side.

I cut off his silliness, “Can we get serious now?”

But he just starts to whine at me, “Tell me you don’t have to go inside their campus and their prez will be the one to come here instead.”

“I hope that’s the case. Mr. Nichkhun told me that Chan should be waiting out in front.” I tell him as I try to look for Bang Chan among the scrambling students.

“Chan? as in, Bang Chan?” He says it a bit too loudly that the girls waiting for their drivers are glaring at us.

Just like Mr. Nichkhun, all the girls in my school has a crush on Bang Chan. Okay, maybe not all, but majority of them do. And me talking to him is something that they would definitely dislike.

“You mean Bang Chan from the across the street Bang Chan?” He realizes that he was being loud earlier so now he’s whispering to me while I’m still struggling to look for him.

Bang Chan is our neighbor. His family lives across our house, we never really hung out with each other back when we were kids, but our parents are good friends, so I see him from time to time. He has changed a lot since then though. Before, he was so tiny and shy, now he’s all grown up and the girls gossiping about him in class describe him as ‘daring’. They’re all always swooning over how he’s so ‘handsome and cool’.

“Yes, that Bang Chan...” I reply exasperatingly. “Now will you please help me find him?” I tell him that but as soon as I look in front I spot him. He’s standing by the gates. There are students surrounding him though, they aren’t really talking to him but they’re all pushing each other, taking pictures of him and slowly moving towards him inch by inch. I hesitate going near but the sooner I finish this the less agony I’ll have to go through. So, I go.

Martin follows me from behind. I breathe in deeply as if gathering energy and courage from the air. I walk pass the crowding girls, whose eyes I feel are all now focused on me.

“Hey there.” I say in the most awkward way possible. Not that I intended it to. It just came out of my mouth that way. Martin looks at me weirdly and I could just hear the voice in his head saying, ‘Way to be smooth Via.’ I just shrug at him.

Bang Chan looks at me with surprise in his face.

“Olivia, Hi.” He smiles and gives me a curt wave. I could feel the eyes of the girls around us turn into lasers.

“Hyerim texted me saying that she has an emergency but she asked me to wait here just in case you come.” He explains to me, but really all I heard from him was muffled sounds because I’m too wary of the people around us. So, I just smile at him.

“Let’s go and finish this. Where do you and Hyerim usually do these kinds of meetings?” I ask him too aggressively that Martin looks at me with eyes that’s saying ‘can you calm down for a second?’

How can I calm down? All the people around us are basically having a riot at what's happening in front of them.

“Uh—we usually do it in your campus’ sports office but—” He pauses and looks at his clothes. It’s only now that I realize he’s not wearing the standard St. Joseph uniform. He’s in a baseball attire. I have an inkling that we’re not going to our sports office. God why are you testing me so much today?

“We’re undergoing some training right now for nationals and I can’t really leave the guys alone, who knows what trouble they’ll cause the coach.” He lets out a small laugh. I just look at him trying to look like I don’t understand what he’s trying to say. He clears his throat before continuing, “I’m sorry for the inconvenience but can we do it by our baseball field? Just so I can watch over the team while they practice.”

I furrow my eyebrows at him.

Can we just head to our side's sports office? Why does he need to watch his team, he can just skip practice for today. This is as important as their practice right? Maybe if I stand firm enough he’ll just go to our sports office.

“I’m the captain of the baseball club and I feel like if I’m not there they’ll slack off.” He tells me and for some reason I feel like I lost.

He’s the captain. _Ugh._ I can’t just ask him to skip practice for a while just because I dislike people. Can I?

I look at Martin for answers and judging by the look on his face it’s clear that we both know that it’s too selfish of me if I asked him.

“Okay. But is it alright that I bring him with me?” I point at Martin.

“He’s your bodyguard?” He asks.

“Yeah.”

“Uhh, we need to get him a visitor’s pass—” the moment I hear him say those words I look at him sternly with my eyebrows furrowed more than it was earlier. He senses that I’m not going to yield and that I won’t go to their campus without him. “But you know we can just go through the back side.” He laughs awkwardly.

And so we go there. It's too much for a walk though, because the campus is too big for its own good Martin gets our car and drives us there. The whole drive is excruciatingly awkward. Not to mention, that a lot of students from my school took it to themselves to become paparazzis and stole photos of us getting inside my car, so I become more agitated than I initially was. The students got another interesting episode of 'Keeping up with the Olivia Kim'. I clasp my hand together as my palms are sweating profusely now compared to when Mr. Nichkhun called me earlier.

The back entrance of St. Joseph is different from ours, theirs lead to the soccer field while at St. Mary’s it’s just an empty lot reserved for school activities or for car parking. I forgot how much this school invests on its sports clubs. Don’t get me wrong we also have a soccer field but its not as well-kept as this one. This is just like the ones used for the Olympics.

We walk through the soccer field. All throughout, Chan would try to act like a tour guide, explaining and pointing at areas where specific sports club hold their training or what not. I try to look like I’m interested in what he’s saying. But really I’m too wary of my surroundings that I don’t catch anything that he’s saying. Martin on the other hand seems to be interested as he’s the one responding to Chan with comments and even some questions.

We arrive at the baseball field. The students wearing the same uniform as Chan are all stretching on the center field. They’re all chattering and laughing at each other but once we enter the field they all turn silent. I avoid looking at them. Martin walks to my side and tries to hide me from their view.

Chan then starts to give hand signs towards their direction but I don’t understand what he’s trying to say with those hand movements. Moments later, however, the chattering sounds start to build up again. Maybe he asked them to stop looking at us.

He looks at me and says, “Sorry about that.” I was right. He did make them stop looking at us. "No worries.” I tell him. He didn’t need to apologize, I’m pretty sure they’re all just shocked that a girl is in their campus.

“They’re just surprised that there’s a girl here.” Ha! I knew it. But a thought comes up to me: don’t the girls from campus watch them practice? I know that I overheard some of them talk about it before. We walk over to the bleachers at the same time he starts explaining, “We hold open practices from time to time but right now we need to focus on training more than anything. And summer break is just around the corner which means midterms and the guys just really need to focus.” Oh, so that’s why.

Sometimes when I’m to focused on my surroundings I forget to watch what I say and just blurt out the most unfiltered thoughts.

“So you mean girls are distractions for you guys?”

I bite the inside of my cheek. I didn’t mean to say it bitterly, like I said there are just times I speak without a filter.

“Oh no, that’s not what I meant.” Chan waves both his hands and looks so apologetic. I feel bad.

“No, uhm— sorry I was being arrogant.” I say. 

We reach the first level of the bleachers and we both turn silent.

“So, are you both just going to stand there?” Martin who’s just a few feet away from us breaks the awkward silence.

“Ah sorry, yeah let’s do the planning.” He rubs his neck before directing me, by pointing both of his hands, towards the bleachers. I sit down and place the papers that Hyerim prepared between me and Chan. Then, I remove my backpack off so I can grab a pen and my notebook. I look to my right and I see him reading the paper so intently.

I’m not sure how to start this meeting. I’m not even sure if you could call what’s happening a meeting. “Uh— so what do we need to do first?” I say to him. He raises his head and looks at me with such seriousness on his face. Okay, I get it why girls would fall for him, he’s really good looking. He has that type of face that’s both cute and handsome.

He explains to me that according to the paper we have to discuss the game schedules first. He says that he forgot to bring with him the clipboard where all their activities are plotted out so he calls someone from his team to fetch it for him.

“Hey Changbin!” He yells and a guy wearing a black cap turns his head towards us. That guy stands out among the players because of how contrasting his black cap is with their blue striped white uniform.

“Can you please hand me our schedules? I left it by the water fountain in the dugout!” Chan’s voice fills the whole baseball field.

The black cap guy nods his head and jogs towards the so-called dugout. A few seconds later, he comes out and runs towards us.

“Here you go.” He hands the clipboard to Chan but his eyes are looking at me. I see from the side of my eye that Martin is slowly walking closer towards us ready to tackle the guy if anything happens. Okay maybe not tackle but just shoo him away if ever he does anything that would be somehow out of place, like I don't know, talk to me? Heh.

But Chan breaks black cap guy’s focus and starts to talk to him, “Thanks. Also, once you get back to the center field tell the guys that I can see all of them clearly from here. And, that if I catch anyone slacking just because I’m not there, all of you will run an additional 50 laps next morning practice.”

I’m impressed at how eloquent he sounded when clearly he was telling off his team. This image of him as a scary captain completely contrasts the image that I have of him when we were kids.

Black cap guy just nods at him, his face expressionless, before running back to the field.

“You’re a scary captain.” I tell him.

He lets out a small chuckle. “No not really, just when I need to. They’re all great kids.” He says with fondness in his voice as if he wasn’t just threatening his team of punishment.

I look at his teammates and then suddenly I feel shivers on my spine. One guy is looking at me so fiercely it’s frightening.

“Yeah, like the one who looks like he wants to hit me with his baseball bat?” I say a tad sarcastically.

Chan looks over at his teammates and spots the one I was referring to.

“Except that one,” He suddenly says.

“He’s kind of the black sheep of the family. But don’t worry he won’t hurt anyone, he can just be a jerk sometimes.”

“What’s his name?” Martin asks. Chan looks a little surprised. Maybe he’s shocked that he’s been listening all this time.

“His name is Dash.”

Martin just nods and proceeds to stand a few feet away from us and monitoring the area.

Chan suddenly whispers to me, “Is your bodyguard always with you?”

“Yes and no. He’s not allowed inside the campus so that’s the time when he’s not with me. But other than that wherever I go he goes.” I tell him while I fiddle with the pen I have in my hand.

“Even in the bathroom?” He asks with worry in his face.

“Oh my God, NO!” I get flustered at his candid question.

He starts to laugh, “I’m just joking Olivia.”

I roll my eyes and grab the papers so we can get this over with.

“So schedules?” I say to him sternly.

He stops laughing and his face turns serious. The duality of this guy surprises me.

It took us about an hour to go through everything: game schedules, student logistics, cheering materials and even snacks. I’m actually impressed at Chan’s explanation of how much involvement the students from both of our schools are doing for these kinds of events. I wouldn’t know it because I hardly join and participate in any of the school activities. But the way he tells it made me imagine just how big of a deal being able to play at nationals.

He offers to walk me back to the car but I politely decline. “No, it’s okay. I don’t want to keep you away from practice that much longer. And I’m pretty sure Martin’s got the place memorized already.” We both look at him and he nods at both of us.

He insists on walking us back but I’m not really backing down with declining his courtesy. It’s not that Chan isn’t a good guy or anything but I’m just really not comfortable making small talk with him or anyone for that matter. And walking back to the car with him requires me to do just that. I’m already feeling burned-out so if I keep this up I’m really going to lose it.

He tries to say something, but black cap guy cut him off from out of nowhere. I jump at his presence. I didn’t notice him come near us— no wonder Martin is now beside me.

“Coach Minjun is asking how long will your meeting be, he needs you to run some plays with Jisung and Woojin before training ends.” He narrates it with the same expressionless face as earlier. Looking at his face it seems like he’s more detached to the world than I am.

Chan looks at me with apologetic eyes. “I told you it’s okay. We can manage.” I assure him.

He and black cap guy walks me out of the baseball field instead.

“Sorry.” Chan repeats.

This is somehow getting on my nerves now. He doesn’t need to apologize. I can walk on my own. And this is the first time we ever talked- other than greet one another at corporate gatherings or something- so he really doesn’t need to pretend to be nice to me.

I wave my hand at him as if I’m swatting away his sorry. “I told you that it’s okay…”  I raise the papers to my head and say, “I’ll hand these to Hyerim tomorrow.” He nods and thanks me.

I give him a curt wave before I walk away with Martin.

“That went smoothly.” He casually mentions once we’re a few feet away from the entrance of the field.

“Yeah…” I say weakly.

Dealing with Chan wasn’t the only thing that drained me. As I’m too aware of my surroundings, I can sense every eye that is staring, looking or even just glancing at me.

“But that Dash guy kept on giving me looks the whole time.” I feel shivers down my back again. And even as I walk away, I still feel like his eyes are still following me.

“Is he still looking?” I ask Martin.

“No, he isn’t.”

I look to the baseball field and there he is, staring at me from afar. Immediately, I look away.

I snap at Martin, “You said he wasn’t looking!”

“You should’ve just trusted me.” He says.

I click my tongue.

We’re now inside the car and once it starts to move that's the only time I relax myself onto the car seat. That meeting drained me. I close my eyes and sigh. It’s hard to have a conversation with someone at the same time be hyper-aware of your surroundings. I wasn't always like this though. Before I came back here from London, I didn’t really care about what’s happening around me. The whole place would be burning and I wouldn’t even notice it or if I ever did I’d probably wouldn’t even bother getting up. _Too much work,_  I’d probably think to myself. Looking back at how I was before I get a strange feeling inside me. I’m not sure how to put it. Am I in a better state now? Or was the me before better? Maybe neither. I sigh again.

Then, I’m suddenly reminded of how it felt after talking to Jae that day. How it felt refreshing to talk to him. I open my eyes and look outside. The sun is almost ready to set. By the time we reach sunset brick road the sun would’ve already set and he would’ve reached the end of the path already or maybe even beyond the path.

Hope suddenly builds up inside of me. What if he's still there?

“Hey, Martin. Can we drop by sunset brick road before going home?” I ask him.

“Sunset brick road? You wouldn’t see the sunset by the time we get there so why do you still want to go?”

I don’t reply.

The reason being I don’t know what to answer and mostly because I think it’s embarrassing to say that I’m hoping that Jae would be there, waiting.

He glances on his rear view mirror to look at me and I just stare at him through it. He looks like he’s waiting for an answer but I only give him silence and for a second he looks confused until he takes in that silence and deciphers it into something else.

“Oh.” He realizes. This time he yells, "OH!"

He scrambles to speak, “Okay, let’s go, yeah, let’s go to sunset brick road.” He steps on the accelerator and steers the wheel like we’re in the fast and furious movies.

We manage to arrive at my drop-off point in around thirty minutes. It’s not yet that dark but the sun has just finished setting. He’s probably on the other side already. He couldn’t possibly wait for me right? Why would he? If it were me I would’ve just went and left. Yeah, I would’ve expected for him to come but to wait that long? I’m not so sure. But, why am I feeling this way? Why am I hoping that he’s there waiting for me to come? Why is there a part of me that expects him to do so? We’re nothing to each other. We can’t be even called friends. And yet, his voice echoes in my mind.

His words, ‘see you tomorrow’, are playing in my head.

Martin breaks my train of thought by asking, “Via, we’re here. Aren’t you getting down?”

“But, what if he’s not there?” The words come out of my mouth before I could even start thinking straight.

Martin pouts his lips as if restraining himself from saying his initial thoughts. “You wouldn’t know if you won’t check right?” He flashes me a reassuring smile.

What he said is true. So, I breathe in deeply and reach for the door handle. I pull it slowly but three seconds into gathering my strength I let go of it. “Maybe we should just go straight home Martin. It’s already late. He wouldn’t be there anymore. He’s probably near his house by now anyway.” I try to convince the both of us as I lock the door. But as soon as I locked it, Martin unlocks it with the master’s lock switch.

“Oh come on Via, just go out there and check!” He yells too loudly that it surprises me a bit.

“It’s better that you go and try to find out now than regret it later that you didn’t, because if you don’t go out now the ‘what ifs' will eat you up!” I just sit still in surprise with his sudden lecture.

He turns his torso to look at me straight in the eyes, “Besides, if he’s not there you can just come back here to the car and we’ll go straight home and ask Auntie to bake us some cookies.”

I stare at him for a while before everything he said sinks in to me. “Okay. You’re right.” I scramble to open the door and once I step out doubt starts to fill up inside of me. I’m thinking of getting back in the car but doing that would enrage Martin for sure. So I just stand there.

I slowly close the door and look at the corner where the sunset brick road begins.

My legs won’t move.

I’m scared. 

I’m scared to feel disappointed when I see that he isn’t there. But, I’m also scared to find him there. For reasons I do not understand except maybe because I don’t know what I’m going to feel if I do see him.

“Just go, Via.” I look behind me and Martin’s head is out the window, giving me an assuring smile.

I smile back but I can feel the nervousness show on my face.

“I’ll wait for ten minutes and if you’re not back here I’ll assume that you've met him and drive to the other side of sunset brick road, okay?” He says.

I nod.

Okay, Olivia, you can do this. You just need to walk there and if you don’t see him then just like what Martin said we’ll be having cookies. You have got nothing to lose. You just need to start walking.

And I do. Slowly and anxiously.

I’m now standing by the entrance of the sunset brick road. Before entering I breathe out deeply to give myself a boost. I walk a few meters and the place looks the same with how it is usually. A few to no people at all, except the sun is no longer up so the only sources of light are the lamp posts that give off an artificial orange glow. I look around but he’s nowhere to be found. My heart drops a beat, my shoulders droop and I feel the tiredness I felt earlier multiply. I turn back to return to the car and go home.

It’s my fault to expect for him to be here. It’s weird though, because even if it’s just a small part of me that expected him to be here, the disappointment I’m feeling now is swallowing me entirely.

To distract myself from these feelings I’m focusing on my feet on the pavement as I trudge my way back.

Then I hear his voice.

“There you are.” He says. 


	9. Pink and Yellow

— **Olivia** —

I snap my head up and I see him standing there, just a few feet away from me, with a plastic bag on his hand and a popsicle on the other.

Have you ever experienced getting stuck in a level on Wordscapes wherein you’re left with one last word to pass a level but even after hours and hours of contemplating what that word is you still can’t get the answer but for some reason when you aren’t trying so hard you finally get that last word you need and you feel this mixture of happiness and frustration? Well, that’s how I’m feeling now.

Happy because he’s here but at the same time frustrated because _he’s here._

Why _is_ he here?

I find what I’m feeling so confusing that I just stand there looking at him not moving an inch. Frozen. That and I’m also trying to figure out if I’m just hallucinating or he’s really in front of me.

He walks closer to me while he takes a bite of the popsicle he’s holding.

“I’ve been waiting for you since forever!” His voice is muffled from the popsicle he’s chewing.

He’s now standing right in front of me that I need to raise my head to look at him directly. “Okay, maybe not forever, but you get what I mean.”

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“What do you mean? We’re at sunset brick road, we always walk here.” He used the word ‘we’ and for some reason that sends butterflies in my stomach.

I shake my head slightly. “No, I meant, why are you still here?”

“I was waiting for you.” He says as he casually takes another bite of the popsicle.

I freeze again. But then a surge of confused emotions flood inside of me.

“You were waiting for me. What if I didn’t come?” I ask him with a tone that I just realized sounded like I’m angry.

He takes one last bite of the popsicle before he starts to walk.

I follow after him.

“Well, I wasn’t gonna wait forever and I was also a bit late than our usual time here so I found it weird that you weren’t the first one to be here.” He says carefully.

“But I figured that maybe you had a lot of customers at the cafe today so I waited for a while but then I got hungry so I ran to the convenience store by the corner to grab some snacks—”, he raises the plastic bag he’s holding, “—on my way back, I saw your car. And here we are now.” He smiles at me.

That smile which makes his eyes disappear. The smile that is growing on me.

I shake my head and quietly mumble to myself. “But why?” To be really honest I don't have any idea why he would even wait. I know I hoped for him to be here. But that’s just me, he has no actual reason to do so.

I never intended for him to hear what I just mumbled, I only said it for myself, but he still hears me. “Hmm, _why_ , you ask?” He stretches his arms behind him and the plastic bag  he's holding makes crumpling noises that echoes all over the place. “I thought I made myself pretty clear yesterday when I said ‘see you tomorrow.’” He turns his head to me and arches his eyebrows as he looks straight into my face. And for a second I don’t look away. Not until I feel my face get hot.

He definitely saw my face turn red because I hear him clear his throat forcefully.

My face gets hotter.

I don’t look at him so I try to place my focus on the river and the streaks of light from the lamp posts that reflects on it. But, suddenly I hear rummaging sounds so I look and he’s grabbing something from the plastic bag.

He hands me something. “Here,” he says.

It’s the all too familiar strawberry milk. I stare at it for a while, not sure whether to take it or not.

The skin on his forehead creases, “I got another one just in case—” , he pauses as he digs inside the plastic again and when he pulls out his hand another drink is within his grasp, “—you don’t like strawberry.” It’s in a yellow tetra-pack so probably it’s the banana flavored one.

I suddenly laugh.

Seeing those drinks, for some reason, all the tension, tiredness and confused feelings inside me are all gone in one sweep. All because of some strawberry and banana milk.

His face turns dull and he shoves the drinks back to the plastic bag then stomps away.

I can’t believe that someone can be this cute. I try to stop myself from laughing even further because it seems like he’s pissed.

I brisk my way to his side, “Hey, wait up!”

He’s pouting. I press my lips together to keep myself from laughing again.

“You could’ve just said no and not laugh!” He crosses his arms.

Is he really mad?

I start to apologize, “I’m sorry,” but my eyes land at the plastic bag that’s hanging from his hand, and I see an opaque image of the pink and yellow drinks. I couldn’t resist it so I suddenly giggle in between words, “It’s just—I found it so cute.”

He stares at me and I see his face turn pink. Is he blushing? The sight of him blushing makes my face hot again that I stop laughing and walk away fast.

I stop in my tracks when I feel like I’m in a good distance and I fan myself with my hand. What the heck just happened there? I mentally slap myself. He could catch up to me in no time but it takes him a few moments before he’s at my side again. The second he’s beside me though we start walking again. Silently.

My eyes dart from the river to him, and back and forth. Trying to take a peek with what he’s doing and what expression he is wearing because he’s too quiet. My heart is beating so fast I’m pretty sure he can hear it. Heck, the whole sunset brick road could probably hear it.

I try to breathe deeply without him noticing. Just to bring my heart to a normal pace.

Why isn’t he talking? Do I have to do the talking? But if I start speaking what do I even say? What do you say at situations like this? My heart starts to beat fast again and I try to subtly take deep breaths. Oh my gosh this would be an unending cycle. But thank goodness he breaks the silence, “Uhh— so you don’t like any of the two?”

My head darts to the side and he’s showing the inside of the plastic bag. I see the banana and strawberry milk laying on a bed of snacks.

I feel my face crack a smile, “I’m not sure which one to choose. I like both.” I say.

His cheekbones rise and his eyes disappear. This makes my heart skip a beat.

“Don’t worry, I bought it both for you. I can’t drink these anyway.” He grabs the strawberry milk and pierces the straw through it’s hole then hands it to me.

I gently take it from his hand, “Why not? You don’t like this?” I take a sip and the artificial strawberry taste fills my mouth. I forgot how great this drink is despite it being chemically made to imitate strawberries. I take a mental note to ask Auntie why we no longer have this at our house.

“No, that’s not what I meant, I can’t drink it ‘cause I’m lactose.” He explains as he pulls out a bag of potato chips.

He’s lactose intolerant? But, how come they order the cakes at the cafe?

I keep the straw in between my lips to stop myself from asking him. But I think he notices my edginess because he asks, “Why?”

I shake my head side to side, “Nothing.” I say anxiously before I take a long sip of the strawberry milk.

“Oh, it’s not nothing. You look like you want to ask me something.” He opens the bag of chips before he nudges me with his elbow. I hold my breath at his sudden physical contact. “I know you have issues of sharing stuff with people you don’t trust but you don’t have to worry about asking me anything.” He flashes a soft smile.

I swallow the strawberry milk left in my mouth before hesitantly asking him, “You said you’re lactose intolerant but all the cakes at the cafe have a ton of milk in them.” He starts to giggle softly, “Only the girls eat those, sometimes Cap and Brian takes a bite but yeah, I don’t get to eat any.”

Then I try to recall their usual orders.  Iced Americanos, Iced Caramel Macchiatos and if Sammy is with them, one ice blended chocolate with whipped cream on top. As for the cakes it’s usually the cake specials, two slices… “Oh, so that’s why it’s always just two slices.” I say under my breath but he nods his head in agreement.

Then for some unknown reason of my being, I taunt him. “That sucks, our cakes really tastes amazing though.”

He catches that I’m trying to tease him so he narrows his eyes at me. “I know! Iris and Ayeon really love the cakes, too bad your cafe discriminates individuals who are lactose.” My mouth slightly gapes open at his response. I see him take a piece of potato chip and he slowly brings it to his mouth before he starts to chew loudly, or more like, annoyingly. I press my lips together to keep myself from smiling like a crazy person. Is it bad that I’m enjoying this?

“Don’t worry, I’ll try and talk to the top management about it.” I raise both of my eyebrows at him, but the second I did it I realize how cringe-y it must have looked like so I turn my head away and cringe at myself.

Can I hit myself?

I hear him laugh, probably out of courtesy. So, I look back and laugh with him, awkwardly, of course. Until he stops laughing. He clears his throat before he starts to speak, “Uhh— do you mind if I ask why you were late today?” I blink at him multiple times before breaking away. There was hesitation in his voice.

I’m not sure how to answer him though. I only get nervous. Why does he want to know? How long was he waiting for me? He mentioned that he was also a bit late, but how late? I was late about an hour than our usual did he wait that long?

He breaks my train of thought, “Don’t worry it’s not because I waited too long, I’m just curious—” I get surprised, he read my mind again. “I haven’t visited the cafe in a long time.” He smiles before stuffing his face with potato chips.

I’m not sure if I should answer him or not. Should I tell him or would that be too much? But I, surprisingly, decide to just go for it.

“I wasn’t at the cafe. I had to do some stuff with the student president from St. Joseph’s.” After I answered he starts to cough uncontrollably. I get nervous as he might actually be choking. So, I ready myself to do the the Heimlich just in case he really is. But he manages to save himself from death by potato chips.

“Student president from St. Joseph?” His voice roars all over sunset brick road that I unconsciously glare at him for being too loud. But, I nod at him, “Yeah, you might know him as he’s also the capt—”, he finishes my sentence, “—captain of their baseball team, I know.” His voice sounds rough. I look at him and try to read his mood—his face is expressionless. He puts the bag of chips back inside the plastic and dusts off the hand he used to eat the chips onto the sides of his pants.

Was there something wrong with what I said?

“So you’re telling me that the reason you were late, for like an hour was because you were with that Captain?” He asks.

I don’t answer. I just look straight at him but unlike earlier I don’t get flustered with him staring straight back at me.

With a blank face I say, “Yeah I was, I had to plan some things with him during their baseball practice.” His eyes widen at me, “You interacted with the enemy at their homebase?” I scrunch my eyebrows. “Enemy?”

He suddenly gets worked up. “Yes, Enemy! They’ve been our rivals since I started baseball at our school and for two years they keep on beating us but this year we won against them and we get to play nationals but those rich kids still get to have a place and compete because they say it’s like the 25th anniversary thing of the national competition—”, he suddenly scoffs, “—PISH POSH! for all I know those rich kids’ parents must’ve bribed the baseball association to bend the rules so both first and second places get to compete at nationals.” I get surprised at the sudden explosion of rant. But looking back at what he said I have to agree with him, “That doesn’t seem too far from reality.”

“Right?” He asks, clearly he’s too worked up. He realizes this so he clears his throat and try to calm himself. By this time I’ve already finished all the strawberry milk. He sees that I’ve emptied the carton so he extends his hand out to me. I don’t hand the carton to him but just stare at his hand. It’s pale white and obviously bigger than mine, his fingers are long and slender while his palm looks rough, maybe from all the baseball playing. But, it’s a pretty hand if you ask me. Maybe even prettier than mine.

He waits for a while before he carefully takes it from my hand. “Do you want to drink the banana one as well?” He asks. To be honest I’m actually really hungry right now but I don’t tell him that I want to drink it though. But it seems he notices that because he smiles at me, grabs the banana milk, pierces the straw through it and places the drink on my hand.

“I don’t really have anything against students from St. Joseph…” He pauses and looks at me. I sip the banana milk and just like the previous drink, I enjoy the taste that spreads in my mouth. “You know, just in case, you get the wrong idea from the way I was talking about them earlier.” He suddenly explains. His voice is calmer now compared to earlier.

I gulp a long sip of the milk and say, “No worries. It’s not like I’m close with them.” I could care less with what he thinks about St. Joseph’s team. And whatever he said earlier I’m pretty sure really happened so I don’t have any violent reaction towards it. 

He doesn’t add anything to what I said but instead pouts his lips like he’s trying to keep himself from saying something.

We’re almost at the end of sunset brick road and I’m almost finished with my banana milk. “How much for the two drinks?” I ask.

One thing I don’t like is having to owe anyone especially when it comes to food. Plus, I really don’t like the feeling of being given things for free. I’ve had enough of that with my parents’ stores.

He waves his hand and shakes his head. “No need to pay me, I bought it for you.” He smiles.

“But…” he cuts me off, “Think of it as a gift from a friend”

Friend.

I try to swallow the term along with the banana milk.

“Did you really meet with that captain during their baseball practice?” He suddenly asks. I snap out of my thoughts and look at him.

He’s waiting for an answer. “Yeah.” I nod.

Are we still going on with this topic?

“So you were able to watch them train?” I try to read his expression while he’s speaking. But, his face is blank again. That or I really can’t read other people’s faces.

“Somehow.” I answer curtly.

“What do you mean ‘somehow’?” He prys.

I look at him again in attempt to find out the reason behind his sudden question. He still looks the same. I probably should ask Martin to teach me how to read people’s mood because I really can’t read him.

“I was more focused on trying to finish the meeting as soon as possible than watch them play baseball.” I say.

He hums a sound. We’re just a step away from totally exiting sunset brick road, but he says something that makes me stop walking.

“Maybe if you have time you can come and watch our team play—” he stops a step ahead of me, “—you know if you want.”

Is he asking me out?

I feel butterflies in my stomach.

But I snap out of it when I realized that he can’t possibly be. He’s probably just asking out of courtesy again. So, like the coward that I am, I back away.

“Are outsiders even allowed in your campus?” I say jokingly as I walk further to hail at Martin who’s at his usual waiting spot.

He weakly replies, “Oh yeah. You’re right.” He awkwardly laughs as he rubs his neck nervously.

I laugh awkwardly too. Martin stops right in front of us. I open the door myself but before hopping inside, I face Jae. “Thanks again for the drinks. I’ll bring you some next time—” His bright smile flashes on his face.

“—As payment.” I say and suddenly the smile disappears.

The air turns more awkward so I ride the car and wave him goodbye before shutting the door. He weakly waves back.

I signal Martin to go but as soon as he accelerates, he hits the break and I almost fly out of my seat if I weren’t just about to wear my seat belt. I glare at Martin’s direction but I see Jae, his hand by the hood of the car.

What is he doing? My heartbeat is slowly getting faster.

He walks towards my window and lightly knocks on it. I pull the window down and he peers inside the car until he looks at me intently.

“Next week summer vacation starts, maybe you can come watch us then?” He’s speaking too fast that I, despite fully understanding everything he just said, reflexively say, “What?”

He decides to speak at a normal speed now but slowly it builds up again, “Summer break starts next week but we’ll still be practicing during that time for nationals. No one’s going to complain because technically our team will be the only people there, plus coach won’t really mind if an outsider comes and watch.” He stops and takes a breath. “What do you say?”

I just stare at him. I’m surprised with what’s happening. And I’m noticing that everytime he does something that surprises me I tend to just blankly stare at him. Contrary to what’s happening— inside my heart is pounding like crazy, and it’s like my whole system is going on panic mode. Yet this panic is not the same with my usual panic attacks. I don’t know how to explain it. Everything is just so new to me. My heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.

The whole place feels like it’s on slow motion. But it all comes back when Martin suddenly speaks. “She’ll go!” We both look at him. He hands his business card to Jae. “You can give me your number here so we can contact you when we’re there.” Jae politely takes the card and removes his head out of the car. He stares at the card in his hands while Martin closes the window and starts driving.

What the heck did Martin just get me into?


	10. White 2

— **Olivia** —

I’m speechless.

I don’t panic or anything. I think my whole being just shut down the moment Martin did what he just did. It’s not until he starts talking that I feel the nervousness consume my sanity.

“What do you think Auntie cooked for dinner for tonight?”

I snap at him. “Martin, what the heck?”

“What?” He asks as if what he did earlier did not just transpire.

“What do you mean what?” I yell at him. Did I mention that the nervousness overcame my sanity? Well, now it completely devoured it and left nothing but crumbs of anxiousness.

“WHO SAID THAT I AGREED TO GO WATCH THEM PLAY BASEBALL?!” I yell at him but this time louder.

He replies calmly, “He invited you to watch, so why wouldn’t you go?”

I get annoyed at how calm he is that I constantly yell at him.

“Yeah he did but it doesn’t mean that I have to!”

“Why not?” He suddenly screams back.

“What about the cafe? I need to work.”

“Oh puh-lease, you don’t _need_ to work there. And don’t use the cafe as an excuse, we both know the only reason that you go to the cafe is for Auntie to cut you some slack!”

“That’s not true!”

“Yeah right,” he says with a sarcastic tone, “you just grew tired of her nagging at you with how you’re wasting your life, that’s why you agreed to work at the cafe! So that you’ll have a so-called _social life_!”

His words leave a sour taste in my mouth.

“Pretending that you enjoy taking orders and serving coffee to people is not social life Via! And I’m pretty sure you know that.”

I suddenly feel a lump in my throat. What he’s saying is right. I know that. But him saying it out loud just makes it feel too real, too painful. And maybe that’s why I refuse to accept it. The same reason why I keep on doing it continuously. To show it to people, like I’m declaring to everyone ‘ _look at me I’m doing this, my life has a purpose now_ ’. But really, I’m just trying to convince myself.

“Someone invited you to do something other than your mundane activity of pretending, so why don’t you go and take that opportunity to hang out with kids your age?” He says with a calmer tone now.

But I stay silent.

The whole trip the car is just filled with car sounds— blasts of air from the air-con, clicking sounds of blinkers, and roars from the gas revs.

For some reason I don’t wear my earphones to close myself out. I just listen to the silence.

We get home and I don’t talk to Martin. He doesn’t too. As soon as I greet Auntie, I go straight to my room. “Auntie, I’m not hungry, don’t prepare me dinner.” I declare as I climb up the stairs. I hear Martin sigh in the background. So I rush to my room.

I slam my door shut, drop my backpack on the ground and face plant myself onto my bed. I couldn’t breathe so I turn my head sideways and just stare into nothing.

My head is blank. Blank as a white sheet of paper.

It’s like I really shut down. Then, suddenly, I feel my face get wet. I bring my hand onto my face and wipe it.

I’m crying?

Am I that upset at Martin that I’m crying? Or am I upset at myself for…everything?

I close my eyes to try to stop the tears. But it just overflows. Until, I totally black out.

Morning has come and I’m still in my school uniform. Yuck. I take a look at the wall clock across my room, it’s still early, 4:30 am.

I have a paper due today.

Crap. 

I scramble to my feet and head to the showers. I lay out in my head how I’m gonna write the paper. Since midterms are just around the corner, I need to hand this to Mr. Nichkhun to make up for my lack of participation in anything. See, Mr. Nichkhun values participation more so than doing well in standardized tests. Something I’m not really good at apparently. So we both agreed that he’ll only pass me when I submit a written report on a theme he gives me at the start of the semester. This term he told me to relate movies and the education system. He usually gives me the freedom to choose how I can write it. He says to let my imagination fly. I’m not sure if the idea of that is less troublesome or not but it gives me the liberty to just write what I please and he’ll just take it as it is. One term he gave me the theme of happiness and youth, and I just wrote two pages of describing how puppies represent those. The look on his face when I passed the paper was that of surprise and disbelief. He probably gave me that theme with writing it in terms of my life in his mind, not of puppies.

I walk out of the shower and head to my closet across the room. I scan the hanged clothes for my school uniform and as soon as my eyes land on the familiar patterns of my skirt and blazer, I grab it.

Once I finish putting on my uniform I check the clock again and an hour has passed. I still have enough time to finish this paper and eat breakfast.

I manage to finish the paper, although I’m not really proud of what I wrote, it will do with the time I have. By the time I have printed my paper, I hear a knock on my door. I look back and I see Auntie peeking through the crack of the opened door.

“Good morning Auntie.” I greet her.

She slowly enters the room so I grab the papers that the printer on my desk has dispensed before asking her what she needs.

“You’re up early, Ms. Olivia, I was just about to wake you up,” she comments.

“Ah yes. I slept early last night and I totally forgot I had something important to finish.” I explain to her as I fix my stuff inside my bag.

“I have cooked breakfast already. ”

I just nod. Then, I remember that Martin and I aren’t really the best of friends today.

So I carefully ask, “Auntie, where’s Martin?”

“Martin? He’s already waiting for you at the dining table.”

My eyes widen at what she just said.

“He is?”

“Yes.”

The look on Auntie’s face says she knows everything that happened yesterday. “Auntie, can I just eat breakfast here?” I ask. She puts a hand on her waist and looks at me with an eyebrow raised. “Martin helped me cook breakfast so the least you can do is eat it with him, Via.”

I pout my lips at her but she isn’t buying it. So I sigh, “Okay. Let’s go.”

I throw my backpack on and march myself to the dining room. On my way there I’m imagining how I would act in front of Martin. Should I act like nothing happened? Or do I just pretend that he isn’t there? Looking back at it now that I’m calm, this whole thing happened because I overreacted last night. He really didn’t do anything wrong, he just did that with me in mind.

Ugh. Olivia you are such a brat.

When I reach the last step of the stairs I close my eyes and mentally slap myself. I look back behind me and Auntie is there just a few levels above. There’s no turning back now.

I head to the dining room, clasping the strap of my backpack tight.

And as soon as I enter I see Martin standing across the room, waiting for me with a wide smile on his face. I smile back but as awkwardly as you can imagine it to be.

He pulls out the chair where I usually sit and gestures me to come.

Alright, this is weird.

I look back at Auntie and she just nods at me to just go along with it. So I walk towards him and the chair. Once I reach him, he greets me, “Good morning.”

“Yeah… good…morning too.”

He gestures me to sit down, so I do. He takes my backpack and places it on the empty chair.

The table is full of food that I like to eat for breakfast. Waffles, bacon, sausages and hot chocolate. Auntie rarely cooks this for me since it’s a Western style kind of breakfast. She says that a Korean style breakfast has a more complete nutritious value. Don’t get me wrong, I like that too, more so than this. But since I don’t get to eat this as much, I feel like when it’s cooked for me it’s a special day or something.

Martin sits down on the chair on my left and Auntie on my right.

They wait for me to start eating so they can too. But I just stare on the food on the table.

I swallow.

“Martin, I’m sorry about yesterday. I totally overreacted and I know that I’m technically your boss but you are still older than me and I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.” I say.

Martin doesn’t say anything so I look at him. He looks so surprised.

“What?” I ask.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect this to happen,” he explains, “and judging by how you acted when we got home, I thought you’ll be really mad at me right now, that’s why I convinced and helped Auntie cook this as an apology.”

“I’m not mad.” I say defensively.

“What you said last night—” he cuts me off, “You know that I didn’t mean to hurt you with what I said.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I know it’s hard for you Via but— it’s just— sometimes I find it frustrating that you’re putting so much doubt and guilt to yourself.” He says it with a steady voice but the intense emotions are make it seem shaky.

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s not—” I pause and lick my lower lip, trying to look for the right words to say, “—your fault.”

I take a deep breath. I'm really not ready to talk about this openly. “Let’s not talk about this today,” I laugh emptily.

I gesture for them to start eating. “Thank you for the food,” I say before chowing down on the waffles in front of me.

A few bites in, Martin asks, “So you really don’t want to go to that baseball practice?”

I just sigh at him.

“Was it too early for me to ask?”

I sigh again. But this time both Martin and Auntie laughs. And their laughter makes me smile.

The drive to school is the same as our usual. A bit of bickering and some little laughs here and there. However, school is a bit hectic since the midterm exam is just around the corner, literally, it’s this Friday. Lunch break starts and most of the students are staying inside the classroom to study so I take my time to go to my usual spot. But before I head there I decide to pass my paper to Mr. Nichkhun. I head to the faculty room and look for his desk. His is in the corner of the room near the window. I go there and I thank the heavens that there aren’t any students around him today.

I reach his desk and I see him reading a book. He doesn’t see or feel my presence so I gently say, “Excuse me, Mr. Nichkhun,” to which he lifts his head up. When he sees my face he flashes his signature smile.

“Ah, Olivia. What a surprise! You rarely visit me here in the faculty room.”

“Yeah, I decided to pass my paper now.” I hand him the paper I wrote this morning.

He reaches for the paper, “Ah, yes. I’m looking forward to reading this. I hope you wrote a good one again.”

I laugh awkwardly at his comment knowing very well that I wrote it just this morning. “I hope so too.” I say under my breath.

“What?” He asks. I just feign innocence that I didn’t say anything. Then my eyes land on the book on his desk, he notices me looking at it so he grabs it and shows it to me. “Have you read this book?” He asks. The book cover is simple, it has a silhouette of a girl over a pale blue background, the title of the book above the girl’s head and the name of the author beneath her feet both gold in color.

I nod, “Yes, I have.” His eyes widen with glee, “Really? This book has been out for years and no one I know has heard of it. I’m surprised you have read this.”

“Martin— uh— I mean my bodyguard gave it to me for my birthday a few years back.”

**‘ _And yet…_ ’**

I remember wondering why the author decided to name the book that way, _‘And yet..’_  I just find it so weird.

“So what do you think about it?” He asks.

I try to remember what happened to the story but I read that years ago that I can’t seem to think of its plot.

“Uhh— I don’t remember the story. I think I just read it without thinking of it too much.” I shrug my shoulders.

His gleeful eyes turn dull but he nods and hums a sound. “That’s a bit disappointing, I wanted to hear your opinion.” I just shrug at him again. “Maybe for the next term I’ll have you write a review of this book.” He jokingly suggests. I just smile at him thinking to myself why did I have to visit him in the faculty room.

“Looking back at it, I always just gave you a random theme. Despite that, you still wrote it wonderfully…” he hums to himself again. “Okay, since the term is about to end anyways and so that you’ll have time to re-read this book, your next and last term paper will be a book review.” He raises his eyebrows and smiles at me innocently.

I try not to sigh at him. This is definitely my fault, why did I even decide to come here. Look! It gave him an opportunity to come up with this idea. Why did I even tell him that I read that book? I mentally slap myself again.

Olivia, you are really a magnet for troublesome things.

I bid him goodbye so I can eat my lunch. But before I leave the room  he suddenly calls for me again so I look back, “Via, I can’t wait to read your thoughts on this book! Write it well!” I just give him a small nod.

 _Way to put pressure on your student_. I thought to myself.

I sigh deeply as I walk. Then someone calls my name. I look up and it’s Suzy.

Okay, this day isn’t really working for me.

She runs up to me, “Hi! OMG It’s so nice to run into you in the corridors Via!” She sees the lunch bag I’m holding and her eyes suddenly brightens, “Are you heading to the cafeteria to eat lunch too?”

“Uhh— not really,” I say sheepishly. She pouts at me and say, “Aww, all my classmates brought lunches today so they could stay in the classroom and study...” she’s hugging a notebook to her chest, “I figured I could also study while I’m on my way to buy lunch.” Her face lights up again.

“Via! You’re smart, can you teach me how to answer these questions?” She’s now flipping through her notebook to find something. Then, she shows me a math equation with a bunch of numbers scribbled and scratched off around it.

“Uhh—” I try to look away.

“Come on Via! Just this one time please, I really need to maintain my place in the top 50 or else daddy’s going to confiscate my credit card!” She whines at me.

She’s rubbing her palms together and pouting at me, “Pleeeeease? Just this once Via, for old times sake?”

I sigh. Why did she have to use that sentiment?

“Just this once.” I say sternly at her.

Her face lights up and she suddenly clings her arms around mine and squeals.

“This is so amazing Via! I’m so happy right now! I get to hang out with you again!” She says as she pulls me closer to her.

Her clinging to me reminds me of the days we used to spend together. Wherever we go, whoever we were with, she’s always had an arm clung with mine. And Sammy, would be either walking in front of us or hovering behind.

I feel weird, it’s like I’m not used to this feeling but at the same time it feels so familiar and natural. I don’t pull away. I just let myself feel it.

As we’re walking to the cafeteria I try to listen to what Suzy is saying but I get lost with what she’s talking about right after she ranted about her father threatening to get rid of her ‘rights to live’ aka her credit card.

I’m glad that most of the students are staying inside their classrooms to study for the upcoming test. There’s just a handful of them walking in the corridors and all are too focused on memorizing things that they aren’t paying attention to anyone or more importantly to me.

Exam season is the best!

We reach the cafeteria and I get fascinated at how it looks like. I haven’t been here since what, freshman year? It looks new. Did they renovate this area?

“Why do you look so lost Via? Come on! You got to help me decide what to get for lunch.” She lets go of my arm and starts pulling me by the hand towards the cafeteria counter where all the food are displayed. I say cafeteria counter but really it’s a long grey and white marble counter top that stretches from one corner of the room to the other. The food are either placed on different sizes of copper chafing dishes or laid out on plates that pay no attention to geometric rules.

Excessive, in my opinion.

Suzy said to help her choose but she actually had something in mind because we go straight to the salad section. She points to the mango and crab salad and the server places her plate on her tray. She also asks for an Evian bottle. Once she has it, she thanks the server and heads to the lined up machine kiosks at one of the corners of the marble counter top. She scans her ID and her orders pop out of the screen, with a total price of 45,000 won.

My mouth gapes open a little at how much that one meal—heck it’s not even a full meal— costs.

After she pays, she looks at me and says, “What?”

I shake my head as if I have something stuck on my forehead, “Nothing.”

As she starts walking towards one of the tables she twists her neck to look at me, “That face doesn’t seem like it’s saying nothing…” I just look away and head to the table where she places her tray. We sit down simultaneously but she’s staring at me with prying eyes, so I keep my focus on something else. “You’re judging me.” I look at her with a straight face.

“No, I’m not.”

“Ha! Olivia, Kim. You can fool other people here but you can’t fool me. I know that look of yours!” She starts pouring the vinaigrette over her salad while squinting at me. But soon after, she tilts her head a bit. “Judge me all you want but you can’t deny that I’m not the only one that spends that much on greens.”

“Does that even make you full?” I ask as I open my lunch bag and investigate what Auntie prepared for my lunch.

“Yeah.” She says as she mixes her salad. But her voice sounds uncertain.

I take out the pouch that keeps my chopsticks, pull out my water bottle, and grab out the Tupperware inside my lunch bag.

Suzy gazes on all the stuff I placed on the table, “Auntie prepared this for you right?”

“Yeah.”

I open the lid of the Tupperware, curious as to what my lunch is. Auntie doesn’t tell me what she prepares for my lunches so every lunch time I always get a bit giddy. Her cooking is the best— this I learned the hard way when we moved to London.

“Ooooooooh, kimbap!” Suzy suddenly squeals with that high-pitched voice of hers.

I looked at her and her greens. Knowing her that’s not enough to make her full. So, I lightly push my Tupperware towards her, “Auntie made too much, you can get some if you want.” Her face lights up and seeing that makes me smile a little. Still the same Suzy.

“This is going to ruin my diet but we can’t let Auntie’s cooking go to waste.” She says as she stabs one piece of kimbap with her fork and stuffs it into her mouth.

I get one for myself as well but before I eat it, I unconsciously ask her a question, “Why are you even on a diet? You obviously don’t need to.” I realize this a bit too late as she’s already about to answer me.

“For revenge.” The grip she has on her fork tightens.

The look on my face might’ve been like that of a lost child because she starts to explain further. “I have to look even better so that my ex-boyfriend would regret that he dumped me twice.”

I nod at her like it all makes sense to me now. She eats another piece of kimbap and so do I. Then she shows me her notebook and I teach her how to solve those quadratic equations she showed me earlier.

Martin waits for me on our usual rendezvous point— the back entrance. I ride the car and he does so after he closes my car door.

“Work?” He asks before he starts the engine.

I look at the duffel bag beside me, deciding whether or not to work at the cafe today. It’s exam season meaning I need to study, but that’s something I don’t really put too much effort into. Yet home sounds better today.

“Let’s head home.” I say.

He nods once and presses the start engine button. He calls Ms. Yeeun and informs her that I won’t be working today because I’ll be “studying” before he starts driving..

We arrive home, I greet Auntie as per usual, I hand her my lunch bag and head on upstairs to my room.

I lay down on my bed and just stare into the ceiling. Then I remember the book Mr. Nichkhun told me to write a review on. I jump off my bed and trudge my way to the bookshelf near my desk. I caress my finger on the spines of books stacked together. Checking one by one for the book with the title ‘ _And yet...’_. After going through all of the books on every shelf and every book cabinet in my room, I can’t find it.

Where did I put that? I remember finishing the book but I don’t remember ever keeping it somewhere.

Then I hear a knock on the door. I see the door open a crack and Martin’s enters. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” I say as I recheck the shelves, this time grabbing the books from its place and checking each one.

“Auntie told me to ask you what you want for dinner…” he explains only to suddenly change the topic by asking me, “What… are you doing?”

“Tell her she can cook anything she wants. And to answer your question I’m looking for that book you gave me.”

I’ve gone through ten books already and I still can’t find it.

“Which one?” He asks as if he has given me a lot of books— he’s only given me two.

“The one with the silhouette of the girl on the front, _And yet.”_

“Oh that one, maybe you left it downstairs in the library?” He suggests. Then I remember, I finished reading it there then I felt sleepy so I went to my room and slept.

I step out of my room with Martin behind me and walk my way to the library. It takes about five minutes to reach the library from my room, something that I actually find really unappealing. But the library we have is too nice that I overlook that. I say nice because the collection of books range from your typical Young Adult genres to Encyclopedias— it’s my very own bookstore.

It’s left just how it was the last time I was here. The books I haven’t finished reading stacked on top of one another on the coffee table and the books I picked as stuff I need to read are on the table by the lampshade. Those I have finished I remember placing it on the bureau desk and I scan for it from the door and there I see stacked up books by the edge of the table.

“Auntie really has a way to clean a room but still keep it as it is…” he wipes his index finger by the shelves, “Look it doesn’t have any dust here and yet your book mess is still intact.”

I ignore him and just look for the book.

I unstack the books and check each one. As I search through everything Martin plops down on one of the leather chairs near the coffee table. “So, why are you looking for that book?”

“I need it for my term paper.”

“Term paper? Shouldn’t you have passed that by now?” He’s properly reclined himself on the chair.

“Not for this term, next term. Mr. Nichkhun tasked me to write a book review.” As I answer him the familiar book cover appears. I grab it and return the books I have unstacked to their rightful places.

“You found it?” He sits upright.

I show the book to him before I rustle the pages, as if I’m waking the book up from a long sleep.

“Do you know why I gave that book to you?” He suddenly asks.

“‘Cause it was my birthday?”

He looks at me funnily. “I didn’t give that on your birthday.”

My face scrunches up. I clearly remember him giving this as a birthday gift. It was wrapped in those fancy wrapping paper that you only use when it’s someone’s birthday.

“Nuh-uh, you gave me this for my birthday, three or maybe four years ago.” That’s when I realize that I don’t really remember it as clearly as I think I do.

“Dummy. I gave that to you a few weeks after you got discharged at the hospital.” I’m more confused now and I think it shows on my face as Martin asks a bunch of questions, “Back in London? Before we came here? Ring any bells?”

I just shake my head.

“I gave that to you the day after you told me that you want to go back to Korea. You don’t remember?” He looks a bit disappointed. “Well, okay. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised because I’m pretty sure you don’t remember that much from those years… ” 

I nod at him.

Just like what he said, I really don’t remember that much from that time. I remember moments of it, like flashes of memories. But rather than the actual event, the things that I remember are the feelings I had that specific time. Like the night I escaped from my hospital room and went to the rooftop. I don’t remember how it happened or what I did but I remember feeling stuck and helpless. Like I was in a dark and cold pit.

He shifts his body and faces me. “You still haven’t written on or at least opened your journal?”

“Yeah.”

Then I remember entries in it that I have written. Thoughts that I think were better off as just thoughts, not something tangible and visible to anyone.

One thing I genuinely enjoyed doing was writing. Everyday at the end of the day I would always write on my journal. How it went, what I did, who I was with, how I felt— everything. Even the most deepest and darkest thoughts, all of it. I shake my head to get rid of the thought of it. I clear my throat and tell Martin to go tell Auntie what to cook. He leaves and I’m left alone staring at the book I have in my hand.

It’s funny how something so unclear can trigger a person’s emotions. Three years since I came back and I’ve never felt any different as before. I’m still as lost as I was the day I hopped on the plane.

But hey, look at the bright side, at least I don’t think of death every second of the day now. Maybe that’s progress?

I sigh to myself and examine the book before sitting in one of the leather chairs.

I flip open the book and see the first page— a grayscale printed copy of the cover. I move to the next page and see the dedication part.

 _To my one and only love whose **and yet**_ _outweighed everything we had._

Reading those words triggers my memory about an important plot of the book. The plot where one of the main character dies. Did the author lose someone too? Is that the reason for this book?

I take out my phone from my pocket and search for the author, Taeran Lee. The first article that comes out is about her husband who died five years ago. Supposedly, he died in his sleep but when they investigated what happened, he took too much of some sort of drug. Taeran Lee has told that he was recovering from depression and was doing well. Days later, Taeran Lee found a letter in her drawers from him and they concluded everything as suicide.

Why did Martin even give this to me back then? It’s about a girl who kills herself. I’m sure this isn’t the kind of literature you want a suicidal girl to be reading.

I feel lightheaded.

Also, why does Mr. Nichkhun want me to re-read this as well? He knows my condition as it’s in my records. That’s the main reason he lets me off doing this paper writing thing and slacking off from my president duties.

What’s in this book anyways? It’s weird that I read this but I don’t remember what’s in it except that the girl dies.

That’s when I just start re-reading it.

The first chapter is about how a guy named Seohoon meets this girl whose name is Yena in a party and how sparks fly when they talk to each other.

The second chapter is about how the guy tries to balance his busy life as a supervisor in his corporate job at the same time impress the girl.

The third is about how they become an official couple and go on dates.

My eyes feel strained so I grab a postcard from the bureau table and use it as bookmark. I check my phone and I’ve been reading for almost an hour and a half.

So far this book is progressing at a good pace. I wonder at which part does the guy find out that her girlfriend is depressed. And how will their—

My inner thoughts get disrupted by a knock on the door of the library.

Martin peeks in and says, “Ms. Olivia, you have a visitor.”


	11. Green but Black

— **Olivia** —

Who could it be? I don’t get any visitors.

I look at Martin strangely, “What are you talking about? What visi—”

The door pops open and Suzy appears.

“Hi Via!”

My strained eyes widen and becomes dry even more causing it to become more strained that I have to blink so many times to relax them.

Suzy prances towards the coffee table and gently drops her bag on top.

“How are you here?” I ask her. Then I snap my head at Martin who was attempting to escape the scene without explaining to me what the hell is happening.

“Martin let me in.” She says as she plops herself down the carpet settling herself in front of the coffee table.

I shake my head, “No, I mean what are you doing here?”

“You agreed to tutor me for the midterms.”

“I think you misunderstood what I said earlier. When I said just this once, I meant it as just that time during lunch.”

Martin sits on the leather couch behind Suzy, “Hey, you didn’t tell me that you two ate lunch together.”

I look at Martin with an annoyed expression to which he just shrugs.

Suzy turns herself to face Martin, “Yeah we did! She even agreed to tutor me especially with my maths.”

“ _Really_?” He looks at me with a suggestive look on his face.

I roll my eyes and sigh at both of them exasperatingly.

“Look, Suzy…” I bring myself to the carpet to be on her eye level. “I’m really not the best tutor there is, I mean your father could probably hire the best private tutors out there for you.”

She sighs at me, “He already did! But they’re all boring tutors! And for the first time ever I really understood how quadtrition formulas work, earlier at class I even answered the teacher’s question correctly!”

I see Martin trying to suppress his laughter from behind Suzy.

“You mean quadratic formulas.” I correct her.

“Yeah that’s what I said.”

Martin couldn’t keep it any longer, so he bursts out laughing which led to the two of them engage in a childish banter.

I feel lightheaded again.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and groan at the two of them whose voices echo all over the library.

They both stop eventually. I force a smile at them and mouth a _thank you._

I sigh, “I’m sorry Suzy you just have to settle with your private tutors.”

Her face turns all sad and pouty that I feel bad. As much as I want to help her I’m just not ready for this kind of interaction. I haven’t even explained myself to her or tell her what happened. Doing this would be very awkward for the both of us.

“Buuuu—t Viiiiiiii-aaaaa, I realllllllllllyyyyy neeeeeeed tooooo keeeeep myyyyy plaaaaaaceeee aaaaaat Tooooop 50!!!!” She starts to fake sob and the library becomes filled with loud noises again.

I think I’m having a headache now.

“Oh come on Via, your best friend is desperately asking for your help here.”

Suzy suddenly stops her fake sobs. We both look at each other. And we both know that it’s because of what Martin had just said.

I look at Suzy and all the times we spent together as children always pops into my mind. And it scares me to try to be close with her again because the Olivia she knows, might not be here anymore.

Suddenly, tears well up in my eyes.

“The Via you once knew is gone.” I say to Suzy as I try not to let the tears fall.

Suzy doesn’t react at first but later on she smiles at me softly, “She’s not gone. She’s just lost. Someday, somehow, she’ll find her way back to you and then we’ll have a whole wonderful Via right in front of us. One that we’ll cherish and love just as the old Via or maybe even more.”

My tears fall down and I start sobbing. Suzy crawls beside me and hugs me. She starts crying on my shoulder too. Then she pushes me off and squeezes my shoulders, “Via, I don’t know what you’re going through but you should always remember that I’m here always rooting for you.” Then she pulls me in for another hug and we both sob. To which Martin couldn’t handle so he leaves us.

It takes us about half an hour to calm ourselves before we start speaking sense to each other.

“So are we best friends again?” She asks.

I’m not entirely sure what I should say or if I should even say something, so I just nod at her. She squeals and hugs me tighter than how she did earlier.

“I owe you an explanation but I don’t think I’m ready to actually say it, yet.”

She rubs my back and this somewhats give me a sense of comfort. “It’s okay Via. You don’t need to tell me everything now. Us actually doing _this_ right now is already a huge progress and I’m more than contented.”

That’s when I hug her back. Wrapping my arms around her. Then I hear her sobbing again.

It took another half hour to calm Suzy before we start with the Math problems. In between the problem solving she would tell me things that happened to her during the time I’ve gone missing in action. Like how she met this senior from St. Joseph last year and how they started going out, but it was a toxic relationship, so she ended things for good. She also shares stories of her and Sammy hanging out together and how much my absence was really felt.

Suzy has always been the easier one to approach compared to Sammy. But that didn’t mean it was awkward between the two of us. It was just hard for me to go to him first, which is why it’s harder for me now to actually talk to him. Especially when he was almost my fiance.

“Sammy has nothing to do with what happened before Via. You should know that.” She says firmly.

I nod at her while fiddling with a pen from her pencil case.

“When he first heard about the plans between both of you guys’ parents he was furious. He probably won’t admit this, but he felt guilty that the reason why you didn’t come visit us anymore was because of the engagement plans. He really did his best to convince uncle to call off the engagement.”

I keep on playing with the pen and just nodding at her.

I know everything that she has said. I know that Sammy went head to head with his father to stop the engagement but still keep the merger. I know that’s the reason why he’s not at St. Joseph’s. I know that he has to keep a low profile in everything. And all of it is because of me.

When I first heard of the plans, I didn’t know how to react or what to do as everything happened so fast. I think my parents had no intention of asking about my opinion or consulting me for any input about the matter. Maybe not until I overheard them talking in the home office about the merger between Sammy’s parents’ hedge fund and my parents’ company. They said that us marrying was already something they had in mind the moment we were born. They thought that since we were actually close to each other it wouldn't be a problem. As if that solves everything. Don’t get me wrong Sammy is a great guy. I love him, but not the way they want it to be. Not the way _he_ wanted it to be.

He’ll always just be Sammy, my best friend. And this makes me feel bad.

“He didn’t like you in an instant Via. I think it started like a year before you guys had to move to London.” Suzy starts to explain, “I told him that you wouldn’t like him that way because you only see him as a friend but he didn’t mind the unrequited love. Then you left.” I notice that she’s no longer focusing on the math problem on her notebook. Yet she continues to speak explaining things that we both know already. So I tap on the notebook in front of her to bring her attention back to the math problem. She snaps out of it and looks down where I’m pointing at with the pen on my hand.

“Oh.” She realizes what she has been doing so she apologizes and starts to attempt answering the equation.

We spend a long time going over the last question which is a bit complicated for her to understand in one go so we go over it about ten times before someone knocks on the door.

“Dinner is ready, Olivia.” Auntie says with her head down.

Suzy suddenly perks up and asks, “Can I eat dinner here too Auntie?”

“I cooked enough food for you to Ms. Suzy. It’s been a while since we had any visitors so I cooked a lot of special dishes.

She lets out a high pitched “Yay!”, suddenly stands and runs towards the door but halfway through she skids to a stop.

“What are you doing? It’s time to eat!” She flails her arms downward and stomps her foot simultaneously

“Alright, I’m coming, I’m coming.” I say as I prop myself up and off the carpet.

She hands her arm out and as soon as I’m within her reach she pulls me and clings her arms to mine.

Suzy really is like a koala. She just clings to you.

We head to the dining room and all through the way there Suzy is asking Auntie a lot of questions that really doesn’t register to me because when I say she asks a lot I mean it’s _really_ a lot. I think it’s somewhere along the lines about her health and how she manages to look the same.

Dinner passes by quickly over the non-stop chit-chat and laughs Suzy and Martin are sharing.

Then suddenly a thought pops up.

This is okay right?


	12. White, Black, Gray

**—Olivia—**

It’s midterms day.

Me tutoring Suzy for this exam was a great way for me to _actually_ study. Though, in between our tutoring sessions I would read _And yet_ and even on my way to school right now, that’s what I am occupying myself with. I’m already at Chapter 9 and the lives of the characters start to get a little wonky. I stop when the proctor for our exam enters the room.

Few hours later, we’re all done.

I hear groans from all sides of the room. There’re a few cheers from some people too. Groans usually mean they feel like they didn’t do well while the cheers mean they did.

Mr. Nichkhun taps the book he’s holding on the side of the table to grab our attention. He’s just going over the formalities of congratulating us and announcing that the results will be out on Monday so we all still need to go to school, but after that day we’re all free because it’s summer vacation. The word summer vacation triggers a frenzy among the students that even he gives up on trying to control the class. So, he just tries to project his voice as loud as he can to say goodbye to the students and leaves the room. Some students all hurry to follow him and ask what his plans are for the summer.

Summer vacation for these students mean overseas trips and shopping galore. As everyone is busy trying to enumerate to each other where they’re planning to spend their vacation, I fix my stuff and leave the room as fast as I can. Much to my dismay, the hallways are filled with students. It’s like an extension of my classroom. I hear cheers for Paris on one side, squeals of Japan, Bali and Maldives on the other and someone from some room whose voice is too screechy sings “Amsterdam here we come!” I scramble for my earphones and plug it into my phone as swiftly as I could just so I can shut myself off from the oozing superficiality of this school.

Someone remind me again why I go to this school?

I feel a sense of relief when I see Martin at his usual spot. I gesture him to hurry back inside the car as I hop in.

“What’s up?” He asks frantically.

I huff out a long and loud exhale before I start speaking, “I like the exam season ‘cause everyone is focused on studying but the amount of ostentatiousness that radiates in the school after is just too much for me to handle. I just can’t get used to it.”

He gives an empty chuckle, “You know you can also go on vacation trips or do those shopping sprees you girls like to do.” For some reason I get defensive with what he just said that I shift myself to the edge of my seat, “I’m not like them.”

I see him nod his head but contrary to his actions the picture he has on his face says otherwise, “Ah right, you’re different.” He says the word _different_ in a not so sarcastic but really it meant to be sarcastic kind of way.

“Why did you say it like that?” I pull my back to the car seat with more force than needed.

He breathes in deeply and lets it all out with a sigh, “Via you can afford it, heck you can even afford to treat your whole class but you never give or do anything for yourself.”

The car wakes up as he presses the start engine button.

“It’s because I don’t want to,” I say with certainty.

He looks at me with an arched eyebrow clearly not believing what I just said.

I shake my head, “Do you have a point here?”

He points at my seat belt signaling me to wear it as he’s about to start driving. As soon as I do the car begins to move.

“My point is, you choose not to enjoy your privileges, but you hate on those people who have them enjoy it. Doesn’t that make you a bit—” he pauses, but I know what he wants to say and he’s just trying to think of a word to not hurt my feelings, so I blurt out, “Pathetic,” continuing where he left off.

“Not pathetic…” he pauses again, “Okay, maybe.”

“But only because you’re acting like a butthurt every time your classmates go out and have fun.”

Rather than getting annoyed at him I get surprised. “I can’t believe you just used the word _butthurt_.”

He chuckles out a fake laugh and I say fake because the tone he has is the same tone I have when I try to be polite to people when they tell me jokes I don’t find hilarious. “Anyway, I don’t want to argue about this now.” He sighs.

“How was your exam?”

“It was okay, I guess.”

He doesn't say anything for a while but I wait for him to, until I realize that he must be waiting for some more details but I have none of those because the exam was really just that— _okay_. It was the same as it is normally.

“You know I feel bad for your vice-prez, actually to anyone who wants to rank first place, because they work their asses off to study while you just chill out and still get to be the top in your whole grade.”

I actually laugh with what he has just said. “And whose fault is it that I’m like this?”

He sighs, “Okay, okay, okay. You win that round.” I make a smug facial expression even though he won’t see any of it.

Now, if you went and told London Olivia about me being the top student of my grade she would curse and say you’re insane. Who is this London Olivia you ask?

So, this is how I perceive myself to be: I have three versions. Two of which I think was thrown away to be upgraded—or maybe the right term to use is downgraded, I’m not quite sure yet— to a different version.

There was the Old Olivia. She was the relatively normal one among the three, the original version. Then there’s the London Olivia, also known as Pre-Korea Olivia—but only when I want to be nice to myself, but when I feel a bit self-loathing I call her London Olivia. And the last is the Present Olivia—as the name suggests, this Olivia Kim is the current me.

Old Olivia is extremely different to London Olivia, and London Olivia is so much different with the Present Olivia.

London Olivia didn’t really give a damn about school. She tended to skip class or hung out by the school playground. She didn’t even bother do any of her homework or even try to do school projects because when she did Andy Stevens would just rip or ruin it, just because he wanted to. So, London Olivia’s grades were some interesting site to be seen. Not only that, but London Olivia was a plain rude bitch. She not only blew her classes, but she also didn’t care about her safety as well as the people around her. She used the training she learned to hurt others or hurt herself purposely. She didn’t pick fights but would always get into one. Basically, she was self-destructive. It’s surprising that she wasn’t expelled with how her grades were or how she always was never in class or the fact that she always caused trouble outside of school. Probably the rich kid perk. The same perk that she got even though she totally deserved to get sued when she tackled Andy in the hallway.

I’m referring to her in third person like she wasn’t me. I don’t know, I just don’t feel like she’s me.

She scares me.

I owe everything to Martin though. He’s one of the main reasons why I’m no longer that self-destructive. He, despite my hostility towards everyone, stood by me. He knew something was wrong and wanted me to get professional help. So, he went to talk to his brother, Marshall— the head of security, my father’s right-hand man— to talk to my father about my situation. But, Marshall only ever did what was beneficial for his boss and the business. And he saw that me going to a shrink would be bad image for him and the company. My father also thought that it was just me rebelling against him for moving to London and I’ll eventually grow out of it.

I’m the reason why Martin hates Marshall. He wouldn’t admit it, but he chose me over his own brother

“Thanks, Martin.” He chuckles out a laugh but this time it’s real, “Where did that come from?”

I don’t answer and just stare at him driving while smiling to himself.


	13. White 3

**—Olivia—**

Over the weekend, Suzy sends me text messages from her spontaneous Japan trip, saying things like how she would love to travel with me next time and how she’ll be back on Monday just in time to get the results of the exam. I’m not exactly sure how she got my number because I don’t remember ever giving it to her but I assume she got it from Martin.

While she is strolling in Japan, I’m travelling in the world of Yena and Seohoon. I’m already at the climax of the story, where Yena begins to distance herself from Seohoon. He doesn’t understand the reason why but we all know that it’s because Yena is on her depressive state, so she is self-inflicting injuries and she’s embarrassed to show this side of herself to Seohoon which is why she is pulling herself away from his life. But, him being oblivious to the signs, think that the only reason Yena is distancing herself is that she’s no longer in love with him. Then he gives up on her until he gets a call saying that Yena was found lying on the streets unconscious. That’s when he finds out that she’s suffering from severe depression and that she just tried to commit suicide by drinking enormous amounts of sleeping pills. Everything becomes clear to him, why she always wears long sleeves, why she sometimes seem to be in her own world, why sometimes she cries in her sleep, why sometimes she doesn’t even sleep.

He realized how much he loves Yena despite everything and swears to himself that he’ll protect her even if Yena pushes her away. They eventually work it out and their relationship progresses even further. They get married and is living happily together for years. Seohoon eventually becomes the manager in his company, while Yena continues to work as a publishing editor.

Then on the last chapter, on a seemingly normal day for Seohoon, there is a letter on his desk. He recognizes the handwriting of his wife. He wonders what it is since it isn’t a special day for any of them. It was just an ordinary workday.

I shut the book close and throw the book across the bed.

Is this how she’s going to end the story? For some reason the idea of it pisses me off. I lay my head on the pillow and just stare at the ceiling while I mumble to myself, “She can’t possibly just end it like that right?” I try to remember how this book ends, but I really can’t. I don’t even remember how I felt when I finished reading it. It’s kind of frustrating.

Suddenly a buzzing sound comes. I look around and realize it’s coming from my phone. I forgot I put it on silent mode. I reach for it from one of the bedside tables. It’s from Suzy again.

Ten messages. I lay back down and open her texts.

2 mins ago:

**Just texting to say hi!**

2 mins ago:

**Hi! Hello!**

2 mins ago:

**Hey! :)**

1 min ago:

**I’m eating crepe now at this cute little cafe in Osaka.**

1 min ago:

**Attached Image**

1 min ago:

**Call me when you can! Or if you want to.**

15 secs ago:

**I would love to call you but I know you probably won’t like it. You hate calls.**

15 secs ago:

**Can’t wait to see you on Monday though!**

10 secs ago:

**Let’s hang out after we get our test results!**

10 secs ago:

**Please send me a reply :(**

5 secs ago:

**Missing u :( :( :(**

I open the photo she sent and it’s a picture of her holding a crepe with white cream filling and strawberries on top. I’m amazed at how Suzy can send texts rapidly because it takes me five minutes to send my response.

Just sent:

**Enjoy your vacay in Japan, see you on Monday. :)**

As soon as I sent it I set my phone down on the other side of my bed. Within seconds it starts to buzz non-stop. I just let it vibrate across the bed.

* * *

 

It’s the last day of school before summer vacation officially starts. Ever since the weekend I still haven’t opened the book. But I bring it with me just in case I get the motivation and inner strength to find out how it actually ends.

On the way to school I ask Martin if he knows how I reacted when I finished reading the book. I know that I fell asleep after but I don’t remember what I felt when I actually read the last part. “I don’t know either. You didn’t talk to me about it. I didn’t even know you already finished reading it until I noticed you weren’t holding the book anymore.”

Even Martin doesn’t know. So, the only way to find out is to finish reading it.

We reach the school grounds.

This day would just go on with us getting our grades and cleaning the whole classroom so everything would be in tip-top shape by next term — let me note that this is the only day that students in this school _actually_ do some cleaning.

I brace myself for the influx of students by pretending to sleep on my desk. I hear murmurs and whispers but so far I don’t feel like it’s about me. All I sense is nervousness for the results of the exam.

Mr. Nichkhun enters the room and everyone turns silent.

“Wow, I’ve never heard you guys be so quiet before.” He jokes but no one laughs. I do, only it’s in my head.

“Okay, so what do you guys want to do first? Results or announcements?”

Someone from the back yells announcements.

“Alright, let’s go with the announcements then,” He gestures for Hyerim to come up the podium, “Hyerim if you would please.”

Hyerim comes up to the front and begins to speak with her soft and gentle voice. Despite that she can be heard loud and clear throughout the classroom.

“So, as we all know St. Joseph is competing in the nationals, yet again…” at the mention of St. Joseph whispers start to build up from the students. “And it’s our duty as their sister school to show our support. So, as per tradition, we’ll be attending their games and cheer for them. Transportation and food, as always, are provided. Cheering goods will also be given but if anyone has a generous soul and be willing to donate to provide more support for the baseball team the student council would be very grateful.” I’ve always amazed how she manages to radiate a calm yet energetic vibe when she speaks in front of the class. I picture myself doing that and I just feel like throwing up.

Everyone begins to raise their hands and are suddenly asking questions. Mostly about Chan and the other members of the team I do not know who.

All the baseball talk suddenly reminds of Jae. I haven’t seen him since the day he invited me to watch their practice. Martin gave him his calling card right? But has called or has he even messaged him?

“Here’s the copy of the first game schedule and our itinerary for that day. The schedules for the following games will be posted on the school portal” She distributes piles of paper to each of the students on the first row and those students pass the rest of the piles behind them.

Some student on the front row comments that the first games are being held this summer vacation. I finally have a copy on my hand and I scan the paper. What she said was right, they’re holding the games earlier than the usual.

“Yes, that’s correct. Since this year the baseball commission celebrates its 25th National Competition, they let both first and second places of each district to compete. So, in order for the whole national game to end around the same time as it usually does, they had to adjust it.”

This reminds me of the day Jae ranted about that issue. I shake my head and try to focus on the discussion that’s happening in the classroom.

Students are bombarding Hyerim with questions, one crude student asks what about those who want to watch but are on their overseas vacations, she calmly gives them a solution of streaming the game while on vacation. I applaud Hyerim for staying classy. If that were me I would have answered her with twice her crudeness.

Once Hyerim wraps up the Q&A, Mr. Nichkhun goes behind the podium again and starts to announce names to hand them their results.

It takes a while before he calls my name. But when I stand up and everyone’s eyes follows me. They look expectant of something. Unlike the norm, I’m not nervous because of my grades but because of all the eyes that are looking at me, all ready to judge and scrutinize me. I reach the podium to where he is leaning himself on to. “Congratulations Olivia.” He hands me the slip of paper that contains breakdown of the exam results. I scan it and it looks the same as always.

I keep my head down to avoid catching anyone’s gaze. But avoiding eye contact does not mean I can block their voices out. I hear the same old whispers of _she’s so full of herself_ and _her father probably paid the school_. I don’t mind it anymore though, I got used to it. Or I like to think that I got used to it.

Hyerim seems to have kept her place in second as she is smiling on her way back to her seat. Although I never have once seen her not smile. She catches me looking at her so she smiles at me and even mouths a _congratulations_.

After everyone has their results we all start to doing our cleaning assignments.

My task is to sweep the floors with Hyerim.

“Congrats on being the top one again Olivia.” She says as she hands me the broom.

I carefully take the cleaning equipment from her hand. “Thanks. Congrats to you too,” I say but I soon regret saying so. She can’t actually be happy with always just being second place though I never hear anything from her about it. But maybe that’s just because Hyerim is a super sweet girl. Unlike me.

She giggles, “I totally missed one point on the written essay part, I got confused with the concept of Confucianism and Taoism.” I nod my head at her, putting effort not to look like I’m dismissing her. “Yeah, those two can get confusing sometimes.” I proceed to sweep the floor and so does she.

“Thanks for covering for me by the way. I unexpectedly had to look after my little cousin that day.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I subtly try to sweep on a different direction to where she is going to avoid conversing any further, but she still trails behind me.

“I talked to Chan and he said that he might’ve put you in a bad mood that day for doing the meeting at the bleachers.”

“Nah, it’s all cool.” I shrug. She laughs, and even her laugh sounds so soft and sweet.

“So are you going to come and watch the games?” She suddenly asks.

“Uhhh—” I just keep my head down and try to focus on the dirt I’m starting to accumulate with the sweeping. But she looks like she really wants to know so I answer her, “I don’t think I can come, I’m sorry. But, I’m sure there won’t be a lack of students to support them even with my absence.” I go on with sweeping but Hyerim continues follows me from behind and say “It’s going to be fun, are you sure you can’t come to at least one game?”

I smile at her and just shake my head. Eventually, she stops trying to convince me and when everyone has finished their tasks the students inside the classroom slowly disperses. Hyerim and I stay behind to double check everything and once we finish that we go our separate ways.

“Bye Olivia! Enjoy your summer vacation. And if ever you do decide to visit one of the games just give me a call, I’ll reserve you a spot.” She ensures me that she’ll always leave me a spot in the bus and save me my portion of the food each game just in case I suddenly would want to join them.

I thank her for the gesture and bid her goodbye.

She goes to the direction of the front entrance while I head to the back.

On my way there I’m initially thinking of nothing until a thought pops in my head. The thought of how it’s so weird that you talk about one thing and you associate it with some other thing or in this case someone.

I haven’t even seen him play so how is it that now that I think of baseball I think of him. Then I suddenly remember how he was flexing his arms when I judged him for not looking like an athlete. That was really funny. I didn’t realize that I’m already by my car until some hand is waving in front of my face.

“Hel-lo?” Martin says.

“Hi.” I greet him back.

“I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time, and I’m pretty sure you aren’t smiling because of your test results, so did anything new happen in school?” He asks as he stares at me with eyes that are like half-crescent moons.

I realize that I’ve been smiling to myself the whole time. I wipe off the smile on my face and head straight to the car.

He calls for my name but I don’t look back. As soon as I open the car door I jump because a head pops out.

“Surprise!”

It’s Suzy.

“Suzy, what are you doing inside my car?” I ask her as I turn my head back and give some serious looks at Martin.

“You said we can hang out today!” She pouts.

I was about to deny any claims but she suddenly flashes a screenshot of my text message from her phone.

“See? You said _see you on monday._ ”

“I said I’d see you, but I didn’t really say we’re going to hang out.” I say these things but in reality, I’m a quite glad that Suzy is here. And I think she knows it because she just scoots over inside so I can ride the car.

Martin closes the door as soon as I sit down on the car seat. Suzy starts to explain that she told her chauffeur to head on home because she’ll be hanging out with me. “So whether you like it or not I’m stuck with you for the day.”

When Martin enters the vehicle, Suzy began to search something from her backpack, which I would like to note is a vintage luxury brand. Probably bought with that credit card of hers. That reminds me, how did her exam results go?

Just as I thought of it she shows a piece of paper, identical to what I have, straight to my face.

“I GET TO KEEP MY CREDIT CARD!” She squeals so loud that Martin has to cover his ears. I read her test results and she’s in the top 50. To be specific she placed 40th this midterm.

She squeals again and pulls me in for a tight hug, “I JUMPED TEN PLACES!”

“It’s all because of you Via! You did this!” She lets me go and I hand Martin the test results as he looks curious.

“No, I didn’t do anything, I just showed you how to solve the answers easily.”

“Exactly! It’s because of your help that I achieved this.”

She sits up straight and clasps her hands together, “Now this calls for a celebration!”

I wince at the word celebration, expressing my dislike for the said activity.

“Wow, congratulations Suzy. Your father will be very happy with this.” He hands back the paper to Suzy and faces back to the steering wheel, getting ready to start the vehicle.

“I already called and told him about it, he says that he owes Via a huge favor for it.”

It’s clear that I’m not particularly pleased at the fact that Suzy had to tell Uncle I was involved in this because she looks at me with a facial expression that is clueless that she did something wrong. I just sigh at her and fix my gaze out the window. But as I stare out I realize that we aren’t moving yet. On the side of my eye I see Martin typing on his phone. I turn my head and look at his hand by the gear stick. The letters are too small from where I’m sitting that I don’t see who he’s texting. “Martin aren’t we leaving yet?”

“So, where are we going?” Suzy chimes in after she clicks her seatbelt on.

“About that…” His voice along with those words ignites the anxiety inside me. I take a deep breath and hold it in as I wait for him to continue his words.

“Uhh, do you still remember that sunset brick road boy, Jae, right?” My heart jumps at the sound of his name. In the background Suzy is excitedly chanting, “What? What? What? There’s a boy? There’s a boy? There’s a boy?”

“Well, he just sent me a text a minute ago, asking if we —I’m pretty sure he’s actually just referring to you— want to visit their school and watch them practice today. He said that the students are already leaving because they also just got their test results so there won’t be any issues if we come and visit.”

Suzy continues on asking questions but none of them registers to me, since my rapid heartbeats are drowning her voice.

I snap out of my bemusement when Suzy starts to shake me by the shoulders.

“Via?! Who’s this boy Martin is talking about?” I brush off her grip from my shoulder as it’s a little painful and answer her that the boy is just someone I met, which just made her more curious.

“A boy you just met? Met where? When? You have to give me all the deets Via! You can’t just stop there and leave me not knowing anything!”

Martin joins in her insistent pestering, “So? Are we going or not?”  Suzy couldn’t take it anymore, so she suddenly raises her voice, “Can any of you _please_ tell me who is this boy you are referring to?”

“You know him, remember the morning I went to Sammy’s house?” Martin snaps at her. Suzy’s face is now painted with an expression of realization. “Ohh…”

For some reason her ‘Ohh’ felt like it meant something more than just a regular ‘Ohh’ of realization. And the way she and Martin exchanges knowingly eye signals means they know something I don’t.

“What are you two up to?” I ask. Both simultaneously turn their heads to me and in unison say, “Nothing.” They’re clearly hiding something from me but knowing these two they won’t give me an easy time if I ask them about it. I let out a huff and rest my back on the car seat in defeat.

There’s really no harm in going there right? It’s like we’re just going to watch a baseball game. I haven’t watched a baseball game before. And it’s not like I have any plans right now.

“You guys do whatever you want, just don’t expect anything from me.” I say as prickly as I can sound.

Martin scrambles to start the car and begins driving while Suzy is stomping her feet, all giddy and excited. The whole ride going to Jae’s school Suzy manages to tell me six different stories and capture about twenty selfies. All while I worry about what would happen, but most importantly how Jae would look like when I see him later.


	14. Blank slate

**—Olivia—**

We arrive at the front gate of their school and my stomach begins to turn.

“Yay we’re here!” Suzy claps before stepping out of the car.

I don’t move an inch because I feel like if I do I might throw up. She opens the door on my side and pulls me out of the vehicle. I try my best not to hurl at the sudden movement.

“I texted Sammy he said that he has plans and is at this gelato shop around the area. I told him we’re both here so he’ll probably come.” She declares.

Martin decides to park the car up front and whines that there aren’t any  _real_  parking areas near. The three of us stand in front of the school gates waiting for some kind of permission to enter. Other than the open front gate, their school doesn’t have much security features, so we can just casually walk in and no one would notice. But we just stay put.

The turning sensation happening in my stomach continues and, strangely, standing here idly is making it even worse. “What are we waiting here for?” I ask Martin.

“Oh right.” He then scrambles for his phone and walks a few steps a way to dial Jae’s number. While he tries to contact Jae, Suzy notices two giggling girls walking on the campus grounds. “Why don’t we ask those girls, for sure they’ll know how to go to the baseball field.” I look at their direction and for some reason they seem very familiar to me.

One of them notices us looking at them and whispers something to her friend. They seem to recognize who I am because she points at me while the other gives her a nod. Instinctively, I try to hide myself behind Suzy and rack my brain for any idea where I have seen those two.

“Hi,” The girl with a small round face and medium length hair greets us.

“Aren’t you from the cafe near the outlet mall?” She mentions the cafe and I immediately remember where I have seen them. They’re our regular customers. The girls that are always with Jae. His friends.

“Cafe?” Suzy chimes in.

“Yes. You are one of our regulars.” I answer awkwardly, as usual.

Even Suzy cringes at me. She saves me from the awkwardness by extending her hand and introducing herself. “Hi, I’m Suzy, and this here is Olivia,” she points at me. They exchange handshakes, then the medium length hair girl introduces herself as Ayeon and the girl wearing a baseball cap introduces herself as Iris.

Ayeon and Iris. I take a mental note not to forget their names.

“One of the students here invited us to watch their baseball practice, do you girls happen to have the time to tell us how to go to the baseball field?” Suzy asks.

It’s amazing how she can be so comfortable talking to people she just met. Basically, any skill that requires talking to people never fails to amaze me.

As the medium length hair gi— I mean Ayeon— was about to explain to us, Martin comes beside me saying, “Talked to Jae, he’s coming to pick us up here—” He realizes that there are people in front of us, “Oh hello, aren’t these two girls your regulars at the cafe?”

I nod at him. He bows at the two of them and introduces himself.

“Wait, so Jae invited you?” Ayeon asks.

For some reason her question makes me feel like something just hit my stomach. And I’m sure it isn’t the stomach turning I’m feeling. Martin answers her and shows her the text message.

The stomach turning I have is now gone and it’s regret slowly creeping up. We shouldn’t have went here. His friends doesn’t even know we’re invited. By the looks of it we aren’t exactly welcome. I decide to just go home and tell Suzy and Martin about it but Ayeon suddenly tells us, “Come on, we’ll show you the way there.” Martin follows her, Suzy does too, while I stay still.

The girl with the baseball cap, uh...Iris, notices me.

“Aren’t you coming?” she asks softly.

I don’t answer her and just start following the people in front of me. She moves beside me and starts to walk along my pace.

In front of us is Martin and just a few steps ahead of him are Suzy and Ayeon, who look like they are good friends already. They’re laughing and exchanging phone numbers. Iris doesn’t talk to me but she doesn’t seem indifferent either. She sees Ayeon and Suzy exchanging numbers and she exclaims under her breath, “Wow, that’s fast.” I chuckle at her comment.

“I can never do that.” She adds. “Oh, I don’t mean it as not uhh— getting your— uhh, I just meant it in general,” she’s stuttering and pulling her cap into her face further than it needs to be.

“No worries, I get what you mean. I can’t do that either.” I give her a small smile and she does too.

Iris feels like a cool person to hang out with. I say this because she doesn’t scare me how people usually do.

A few meters into their school grounds, I see a tall figure running towards Ayeon and Suzy.

“Sorry, I got held up by the guys.” He says as he take long breaths.

I subtly tilt my head sideways to get a clear view of him without Martin’s back obstructing anything. Seeing him now made me realize that we haven’t seen each other for days.

How was he?

Jae asks Suzy, “Where’s Olivia?” He huffs every word that I can hear him clearly from where I’m standing.

“Hi to you too Jae.” She answers a bit sarcastically, to which Jae breathily laughs at, “Hi Suz.”

“She’s there.” Suzy points at me and I just raise my right hand to give a curt wave. And he waves back.

He bows at Martin before casually jogging towards me.

“Hi.” He greets me with that cheeky smile of his.

And at the sight of his smile, I smile back. A smile that feels so natural that I wonder how long has it been that I felt comfortable smiling at someone.

“Hello,” I greet back, a smile still painted on my face.

I think we’ve been staring and smiling at each other for a while because Iris suddenly coughs and says, “Uhh— I’ll be with Ayeon.” We break off our gazes. And that’s also when I realize that he’s dripping wet. I was about to ask him why he’s soaked, but I think he read my mind, “I swear this isn’t sweat.” We both chuckle.

“Come on, our baseball field is this way.” He starts walking and gestures me to follow him.

Ayeon, Suzy and Iris are walking together a few feet away from us, while Martin keeps his distance the same. Probably wanting to listen at whatever we’ll be talking about.

I feel my face still smiling. It takes a lot of effort for me to keep a straight face.

“So, how were you? You weren’t at sunset brick road the past few days. I missed you.”

My smile completely disappears. The last three words may have caused my heart to palpitate uncontrollably. He looks back to me, who’s a step behind him.

How do you expect a person to answer a question casually when you end it with those three specific words?

“I-I h-had t-to study for the e-exams,” apparently you do it like a stuttering idiot. Can I hit myself? Martin hears this and even he looks like he wants to hit me.

Jae seems unbothered though, because he smiles at me like nothing happened. He waits until I’m beside him before he starts walking again. My chest is still pounding so rapidly I’m scared that he’ll hear it so I try to blurt out anything that comes into mind.

“If that’s not sweat, then why are you soaked with questionable fluids?”

 _Questionable fluids?_  Olivia, you have got to be kidding yourself. I look at Martin and even if it’s just his back that’s facing us now I could see him shake his head disapprovingly.

Jae laughs and repeats what I just said, “Questionable fluids?” He laughs again.

I really want to hit myself right now.

“It’s water,” he ruffles his hair to shake off the wetness from his hair. “We have this tradition, right when summer vacation starts, we get a day to play around the baseball field while practicing. But that tradition led to the guys pouring buckets of water to each other. You have to see it, it’s real fun. I think we still have a few more members that has yet to get soaked.” This is the first time I hear him explain something to me with that kind of affection. Baseball must be something he really likes to do.

We reach the baseball field and I see guys running around yelling and laughing at each other. Jae can be loud but it seems that his team is louder.

Ayeon, Iris and Suzy enters the gate of the field and walks toward the bleachers on the side. Martin waits for me to enter before he starts walking towards the girls who have found a place to sit. Jae follows me from behind but as I was about to climb the stairs to sit with the girls he grabs my hand, “I’ll let you meet the team later after practice?” He says it as if he’s asking permission.

The palpitations are back.

I just nod at him and he flashes that smile of his again before letting go of my hand.

I didn’t notice that Martin is seating a few rows below the girls until he starts to speak, “He really likes to grab your hand huh?” I push his shoulder before climbing up.

I sit down beside Iris and she’s giving me this look, a knowing look that I realize Suzy and Ayeon are giving me as well. My heart has probably adopted the normal rate of pounding loud and fast because it still hasn’t stopped. I pretend that everything is normal though by fixing my gaze towards the field. There’s a lot of people on the field but my eyes spot Jae easily. He’s laughing so hard while holding his phone up. I swear I could hear him so clearly from where I am seated.

Ayeon suddenly shouts, “Brian! Run! You’re the next target!” I look at where she’s looking and I see the familiar face of a regular customer, the one that looks like a fox. So his name is Brian. I take another mental note.

He runs away from the two guys carrying a water cooler but the other guys who’ve already been soaked are running after him, trying to catch him or trap him. Jae catches up to him easily but he’s too busy recording to actually grab a hold of him. A few laps around the field and they manage to corner Brian, and without hesitation the two guys pour all the water on his head. “Ayeon!” He yells out loud that his voice covers the whole place. “I LOVE YOU!” Then they throw the cooler aside and begin to pile on top of him.

I look at Ayeon and she’s giggling with Suzy while Iris is nudging her arm. “I love you too!” She yells back but he probably didn’t hear it because he’s already buried under bodies of his teammates.

They all look like they’re having so much fun. Seeing them all play around and laugh gives me this warm feeling inside. It’s like I’m being enveloped by the sunlight.

Once Brian crawls his way out of the dog pile, the guy with a shaved head comes up in front of them. He’s a regular customer as well, what was his name again? Sung— something.

I whisper under my breath, “Was it Sungmin?”

Iris comes close to me and whispers, “His name is Sungjin.”

“Ah yes Sungjin!” I exclaim.

As soon as I did, I realize that I talked out loud again that I cover my mouth with my hand. “Sorry, I’m not really good with names.” I apologize to her.

She just laughs it off. Ayeon then asks me, “But you do remember ours right?” I nod at her and say “Ayeon” I point at her and at Iris, “Iris.”

“You girls should be proud she remembers your name the same day you introduced yourselves to her. The one thing she’s  _really_  bad at is names.” Suzy chides.

I just purse my lips at her and they all laugh. “You know we were supposed to go to this gelato shop nearby but our friend Sammy texted us saying he’s cancelling because he says his friends are coming here…” Ayeon pauses then stares at Suzy and then at me, “Are you two those friends?”

Suzy answers, “Yup! Sorry about that, I texted him telling him we’re here.”

“Don’t worry it’s not a big deal. I’m just surprised how small the world is.”

Ayeon and Suzy begins to chat about how Sammy is related to her and how we all became friends. The same old story. She just left out the fact that I left them hanging for years.

I look back on the field and the guys look like they’re about to play. I know nothing about baseball except the basic concept of hitting the ball with a bat. But watching them practice would probably educate me, so I pay attention.

Jae walks towards the tiny hill in the middle of the field and stands on top of it.

One player then drags his bat and stands in front of a crouching man wearing some kind of equipment a few feet away from where Jae is standing. But, my eyes go to Jae again. He’s standing tall, hugging his hand and the baseball to his chest. Then I figured out that he’s there because he’s the pitcher. I stare at him and he looks so focused. He breathes in deep, and for some reason I do too. Then in a swift motion the ball ends up in the glove of the crouching man.

The guy with the bat looks so dumbfounded. Ayeon and Iris then say simultaneously, “Yikes, Captain won’t be happy with that.”

I look at them and ask why. “Isn’t it his job to not let the balls get hit by the bat?”

Ayeon was about to answer me but someone started to yell from the field.

“JAE! THIS IS BATTING PRACTICE!” His voice reverberates around the whole field. All the players on the field gets startled and shifts into an attention stance. I search whose voice it came from. Then, someone comes out from the caged benches near the field. It’s Sungjin.

Oh, so he’s the captain. I take another mental note. This is the third note today.

He stops a few meters away from the batter and continues to scold Jae. For some reason I get a bit upset by that.

“Who allowed you to pitch your fast ball on your members?!” Jae lowers his head and yells back, “Sorry Cap!” He keeps his head lowered and starts to scrape the sole of his shoe on the hill he’s standing on.

“I know you want to show off right now but you know the rules we set for batting practice!”

Jae then lifts his head and looks straight at me, stares a few seconds and then smirks before yelling back, “Yes Cap! I won’t do it again!” He then begins to position himself to start over.

What the heck was that?

Iris slightly nudges me with her elbow so I look at her and she’s resisting not to smile at me but the corner of her lips are twitching too much. Suzy and Ayeon are doing the same thing as well. I try to brush off whatever that was by asking, “I don’t get it, what’s wrong with him throwing those fast balls?” Ayeon turns her body to face me and Iris, “You see, batting practice is meant for the batters to practice their swings and hit accuracy. Jae’s fast balls, though we don’t say it out loud, is one of the best in the district. Most of our regulars can’t hit it. It’s only the Captain and Brian who are able to do it…” She pauses and looks at the field, “Occasionally, Wonpil gets to hit it too. But he has a long way to go, he only hits around one out five fast balls.”

“So…?” I ask carefully.

“So! Batting practice is for the batters, if Jae uses his fast balls to pitch, then the batters don’t get to hit anything! They’d just be swinging their bats around.” She’s really worked up right now that she acts out swinging a bat around with her arms.

Iris then adds, “The Captain then established this rule that Jae only gets to use his fast balls to those who can actually hit it. He says that not letting his batters hit anything lowers their morale even if it’s just practice.”

“Which is why the Cap got angry at him showing off…” Ayeon adds up.

“Hmm, I wonder who he was showing off for?” Suzy casually asks which leads to the three of them giggling at each other. I just roll my eyes at them. He didn’t do that just to show off in front of me, right? That doesn’t make any sense? Why would he? And why would he smirk like that? Then the ‘I missed you’ thing earlier as well? What’s up with that? Thinking over all of it is making my heart beat fast again. I sneak a look at Jae who’s busy throwing balls at the batters.

“Ohh, practice is almost over, Sungjin’s up.” Ayeon exclaims as she touches Iris with her shoulder.

I look to my side and I see Iris blushing under her baseball cap. Before Sungjin readies himself to hit the ball, he yells something to Jae, “Now you can show off! Hit me with your best shot!”

Jae laughs but seconds after, his face turns serious. More so than how he was earlier the first time he threw his fast ball. He gets into that posture of placing his hands to his chest. He breathes in deep and once again I breathe along with him. Then there goes the ball out of his hand but this time it flies out across the field. The seriousness on his face melts away and he just looks like he’s disappointed.

“Sorry! I have someone I also want to show off to!” Sungjin yells as he shrugs his shoulder. The people in the field starts to laugh. Ayeon, Suzy and Iris are giggling as well. But Ayeon stops when Brian steps up in front. “GO BRIAN!” She screams so loud that my throat hurts for her.

He looks at our direction and sends finger hearts to her. Iris then whispers to my ear, “She can be competitive at times.”

I can clearly see that.

For some reason I feel a bit bad for Jae. I want the balls he throw to not be hit by any batter, even if they’re his own teammates. He positions himself again and I get sucked in by the seriousness plastered all over his face. He breathes in and I breathe along with him. He pitches the ball and there goes the ball flying out the field.

“And that’s a homerun everybody!” Ayeon stands up and yells while clapping.

Brian bows towards her and then to the other players as well, like he just conducted an orchestra or something. I look at Jae and he looks extra disappointed now. But he gives me a curt smile when he notices me staring at him.

“Don’t worry about him, when he plays against the other teams he’s the best one in the field.” Ayeon tells me.

We all head down and exit the field. On the way Iris tells me that they’re just wrapping up the practice with a meeting, and once they’ve finish cleaning up, they’ll be out in no time. Suzy needs to go to the restroom so Ayeon takes her to the nearest one, while I’m left standing by the field entrance with Iris and Martin.

Martin looks like he’s itching to say something to me but he’s keeping himself from saying anything, most probably because Iris is beside me. While waiting for everyone a phone suddenly rings. It’s Iris’ phone.

“Sammy, where are you?” She says as soon as she picks up the call. I tense up upon hearing his name. “We’re still here by the field…” She pauses, “Alright.” The moment she hangs up and I get nervous. Sammy and I haven’t really talked to each other ever since our run-in on the streets. He did try to talk to me at the cafe but that really wasn’t considered  _talking_  to each other.

He’s here and unlike his friends he’s already changed out of his school uniform. I remove my back from the gate and greet him with a small wave. He waves back. But we don’t say anything after.

“I’ll go see why Ayeon and Suzy are taking their time.” Iris breaks the ice.

“Ahh, I need to go to the restroom too. What’s up little man.” Martin adds as he high fives Sammy, but I look at him with creased eyebrows, to which he only gestures with what looks like pressing my panic button.

Sammy stands beside me and leans his back to the gate. He coughs, “So, uhh— how was practice?”

“I think it went well. I’m not sure though, I don’t know anything about baseball.” I focus on my shoes as I answer him.

“Ohh, okay.”

“I see you’ve already abandoned your uniform. It’s safe to say that summer has officially started.”

He laughs at what I just said. It’s not because it’s funny but because that was his thing. The moment he takes off his uniform and changes to his casual clothes on the last day of the semester, he would go and announce to the world, or at least to Suzy and me, that summer has arrived. It’s good to know that he really hasn’t changed one bit. Then there’s an awkward silence between us. It goes on for a while that it’s eating me inside. I turn to him and I get surprised that he does the same thing. He then tells me, “You first.”

What was I even planning to say to him? I wasn’t really thinking of anything, it’s just I couldn’t take the awkwardness between us which is why I looked at him.

Unlike when I look at Suzy, seeing Sammy’s face doesn’t remind me of how we were when we were kids. It only reminds me of how bad of a friend I am. How I caused him a lot of trouble, how I caused a riff between him and his father and how I probably broke his heart.

“I’m so sorry,” is the only thing I say. But for some reason these three words lift something up from my heart and brings tears to my eyes. Perhaps everything I wanted to tell him I pour in into that one sentence.

I just hope that Sammy feels it.

He looks up to the sky and holds his position for a few seconds before he looks down on to my eye level. He’s tearing up, or more like he’s fighting back the tears. At the sight of this, I couldn’t help but begin to cry. He suddenly opens his arms to give me a hug and this gesture of his reminds me of how he used to comfort me whenever I had a bad day with my sister or I got scolded by Auntie when we were kids. Instinctively, I go toward his arms and let him envelope me in a hug. It feels so familiar but at the same time also different. It doesn’t have the same effect it has on me as it was back in the day.

“Are we best friends again?” He asks under his shaky breath. Still trying to repress his tears. I get out of his embrace and wipe away the tears on my face all the while sniffling non-stop. Similar to how I felt with Suzy when she asked me the same question, I don’t know what to answer, so I just nod and go with it. He embraces me again, but this time tighter.

“I really missed you, Via.”

His words pierce through and leaves some sadness inside me, because it seems like the person he misses is the Via that I think no longer exists.

I hear someone aggressively cough from behind me. But Sammy’s arms are wrapped around too tight that I can’t even turn my head to look. He lets me go a few seconds after and I turn around to see Jae frowning.

Is he still upset with how the batting practice went? He stares at Sammy with squinting eyes. Sammy just raises his hands and say, “Hey, man we’re cool.”

He then turns to me. His eyes widen and I get surprised that his hands are suddenly cupping my cheeks and wiping away my tears. “Y-You’re crying, w-why why are you crying?” The panic is evident in his voice. He suddenly points at Sammy, “You made her cry! What did you do? Why’d you make her cry?” His voice is really loud. And it’s clear in Sammy’s face that he  _is_  being too loud. It’s pretty hilarious if you ask me. He stops shouting when he hears me chuckling. Both of them stare at me who’s now crying and laughing at the same time. The look on their faces are making me laugh even harder.

“What’s happening?” Jae leans in to Sammy’s ear to ask him but I still manage to hear his voice despite my laughter drowning my thoughts. Sammy just shrugs his shoulders. It takes me a full minute to finally calm down.

“Are we good?” Sammy asks.

“Yeah we’re good.”

Jae is still staring at me, so I stare at him back. Then he smiles at me like I just didn’t go all loony. We hear voices coming out from the locker rooms and people slowly start to pour out.

“Let me introduce you to my teammates.” He says as he pulls my hand. The sudden skin contact sends electricity up my arm but it’s a feeling that I don’t really dislike.

Familiar and new faces greet me with smiles and stares. Usually I’d be having a hard time breathing now because I’d be too nervous but maybe because I’m too focused on Jae’s hand on mine that I just casually smile at all of them.

“You know Brian and the Captain.” I nod and give a curt bow to them. Sungjin bows back while Brian waves his hand at me.

Jae pulls me closer to his side and introduces me to a guy with soft looking eyes. “This is Wonpil. Our second year regular.” I bow to him, he does too but the moment he lifts his head up and looks at me, his soft eyes are replaced with fierce stares. It’s not intimidating though, it’s more of, captivating. It’s like if I spend another minute looking into them I’d probably get hypnotized or something.

“And this one is our first-year catcher, Dowoon.” He’s the total opposite of Wonpil. All you see from him is softness despite having defined features. I unknowingly smile at him endearingly which makes his ears turn red. And this makes me smile even more. He bows and greets me then suddenly hides behind Wonpil.

Then, a girl about Ayeon’s height appears in front of me. “Who’s this?” She asks Jae.

“She’s a friend of mine.” Jae answers as he grips my hand just a bit tighter than earlier. She stares at me with eyes that I’m not yet sure if they’re hostile or harmless looks.

“The name’s Jimin Park. The team’s manager.” She extends her hand towards me. Okay with the way she just introduced herself, I’m leaning towards hostility. But I probably should just give her the benefit of the doubt right? So, I shake her hand.

“Play nice.” Jae scowls at her and she just glares back.

He then continues naming all his teammates and each time he does he gives my hand a little squeeze which intensifies the current flowing with our skin touching each other.

“That’s everyone, I think.” He says as he scans the people in front of us. “And everyone, this girl right here is Olivia Kim, my…”, he pauses.

I look at him waiting for what he’s about to say and the people around do too. I’m his what? He gives my hand a squeeze again. “My friend.” He says.

Friend. The word is on repeat in my head, until someone from behind touches my left shoulder. I look up and I see Martin towering over me.

“And I’m Martin, her bodyguard slash driver slash babysitter,” I roll my eyes at his comment. “So, if anyone of you does anything to Olivia, you guys answer to me. Got it?”

“Don’t worry Martin, they’ll have to go through me first.” Jae adds.

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

Everyone laughs, except me. I want to punch Martin’s stomach right now. I could just turn and he would be defenseless.

“You don’t have to worry about anything, Sir.” Sungjin suddenly speaks over the laughter and everyone slowly turns quiet.

He looks so serious. It’s like in taekwondo, where you focus your breathing and energy before launching your attack. “My team, they’re good people, they won’t do anything to her or to anyone for that matter. In the event that they do something, they know that they’ll answer to me. Is that right, guys?”

And in unison everyone answers, “Yes, Captain!”

That is impressive. Even Martin is in awe.

The seriousness in his face disappears the moment he asks, “Okay, who’s up for curry?” Everyone starts raising their hands and shouting to each other “Me!”, “I’m so hungry!” and “Let’s go!”

Jae pulls me in closer to him than I already were. His face now just a few inches away from mine. “Do you want to eat some curry with us?” He’s too close to my face that I hold my breath and before I could even think of a response. Martin moves in between us, “Way too close there buddy.” Jae steps away but his hand is still holding mine.

“Sorry, I had to move in closer so she could hear me.” He nervously rubs the nape of his head and that’s when he realizes that he’s still holding my hand. He lets go of it abruptly and apologizes. “S-sorry, I-I’m sorry. Uhh…” He’s laughing now while cover his face with his right hand. I have this urge to say that it’s fine but I stop myself because Martin is here and I don’t want to deal with the aftermath of it later. And what I mean by aftermath is the incessant questions and teasing that he’ll probably do. So, I just stand there.

“So, where is this curry place?” Martin asks.

“Oh it’s not so far from here. We can actually walk to go there.”

Martin looks at me and starts to shake his head. “I know what you’re thinking,”

I’m actually not thinking anything at the moment but okay.

“You want to walk there.”

I find it unusual that Martin thought that I was thinking that when my mind is still fixated on the hand holding thing earlier.

“I’m not leaving the car here and walk there with you, only to walk back here to fetch the car for you later.” He complains.

 “I’ll walk with you back.” I suggest.

“That would do but it’s an inefficient suggestion.” He retorts.

“Then you can follow us behind with the car.”

“That would be a frustrating drive.”

I’m starting to get annoyed at him but I try to maintain my composure. “Okay, we can just head there first and meet them there.”

“I don’t know the way. We might get lost.”

“Remind me again who works for who?” I snap.

Martin presses his lips together and avoids my gaze. At least he can still read my annoyance.

“If you don’t mind, I can ride with you two and show the way?” Jae offers.

With no hesitation whatsoever, Martin agrees. “Cool beans let’s go. I parked the car up front.”

Did he just say ‘cool beans’? Jae must’ve thought of the same thing because I see him mouthing  _cool beans_  to himself.

“Martin wait! We have to wait for Suzy.” I call out to him, who’s already put quite a distance between us.

I look around and everyone has apparently left already.

“They all left while you and Martin were… talking.” Jae says.

My phone suddenly buzzes in my pocket. I grab it and check the screen. It’s a message from Suzy.

Just now:

**I’m with Sammy! See you at the curry place in a while <3**

“Suzy’s with Sammy.” I announce.

We reach the car and when Martin opens the car door I immediately ride and scoot over to the other side.

“I can sit shotgun.” I hear Jae say by the door.

“Nope. No one sits in the passenger seat, rules.”

What the heck is Martin saying?

Jae asks hesitantly, “What rules?”

“ _My_  rules. Unless it’s really necessary, I don’t want anyone beside me while driving, even Via.”

That is not entirely true. It’s just in their SOP that I sit at the back seat, because they say it’s relatively safer than the passenger seat. But if I really wanted to, I can sit shotgun.

“Just let him sit wherever he wants Martin.” I say to them.

Martin crouches and peeks inside, “Nope. He sits here, beside you.”

“Alright, I’ll sit here, just please don’t argue anymore.” Jae gives up and rides the car.

Martin closes the door once Jae’s seated and he rushes to his place.

He buckles his seatbelt and so do Jae and I. He presses the start engine button and puts his right hand on the gear shift.

“So, where to buddy?”

Jae tells Martin the name of the curry place and the address. While he does so Martin types it in to the GPS.

“ _We might get lost?_ ” I scoff.

He just shrugs. I turn to Jae and he’s staring out the window with his shoulders shaking. I look at him weirdly only to roll my eyes when I realize that he’s doing that because he’s resisting not to burst out laughing.

 

The curry place is near their school. The whole drive took about ten minutes and it looks like the baseball team has just arrived. Martin parks the car near a lamp post across the curry restaurant and we step right out after.

“How was the ride?” Brian sounds like he’s asking the both of us but his eyes are looking intently at Jae who’s walking behind me. I ignore his question and go directly to Suzy’s side. She whispers to my ear, “Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened.” I sounded irritated than how I intended it to be which made Suzy’s eyebrows go distorted. She thinks something happened between us during the drive but the thing is, nothing happened.

Nothing. Zero. Nada.

We were just there inside the car, sitting. Not talking or doing anything. Just sitting and waiting for us to arrive to our destination. I was waiting for him to start a conversation or to do something but he just sat there, silently looking out the car window, not doing anything. At first I was feeling nervous, thinking whether or not I should be the one to initiate a conversation but later on through the drive I started to get irritated so I just went along with the silent treatment. Martin would glance at us a couple of times through the rearview mirror, but I just pretended not to see him sending eye signals for us to talk.

He’s talking to Brian and Ayeon now. He looks so comfortable having a conversation with them. Why didn’t he do that when we were inside the car earlier? Why did he even say that he missed me? Why did he hold my hand while introducing me to his team? Why the heck am I feeling this way? I try to control my facial expression but I seem to be failing because now Sammy’s asking me if something happened to us on our way here. Before I could snap at him, a group of middle-aged men wearing suits comes out of the restaurant and among them were Sungjin and Iris.

“You guys can come in now, there are enough seats for all of us.” Iris announces. As soon as she did everyone automatically heads inside, Suzy enters with Sammy but I got left behind when two guys from the baseball team that were busy talking to each other didn’t notice me and cuts me off.

“Sorry about that, some of the boys on our team can be so oblivious to their surroundings sometimes.” Jae says as he parts one side of the brown fabric hanging on the doorway and gestures for me to enter.

Okay so now he decides to talk to me. I don’t understand what he’s trying to do and it’s frustrating. I stare at him for a few seconds but it seems like I was doing it too long because he’s looking at me with this confused facial expression. And then it hit me, that maybe everything is just in my head. That whatever I thought might be special he was doing was actually just something normal for him.

And what do a person do when something one thought was developing for both parties was really just one sided?

That person pivots.

 _I_  pivot.

The restaurant looks warm and cozy. I never thought a curry restaurant could make you feel warm and cozy. It must be in the way the fluorescent lights hit the wooden furniture of the place.

The members of the baseball team have just finished moving the tables and chairs to make shift one long dining place for everyone. It seems like they’re all very familiar with this restaurant. Each of them naturally sits down on a chair like it was assigned to them. Individuals recite their respective orders without even looking at the menu as their captain tallies it up on a piece of paper. The first years distribute the utensils skillfully as if they’ve choreographed it beforehand. And, all of these happen before I could even find a vacant seat. Eventually I find one near the other end of the table where Iris and Sungjin are situated, just across where Brian and Ayeon are sitting. Actually I conveniently find two vacant seats, apparently it’s “assigned” for Jae and I, as per Brian’s goading for me to take the seat.

If only Jae wasn’t the one who invited me to this, then I would’ve changed seats with somebody else. But doing that would be plain rude, and I don’t want to be known as that rude friend Jae invited.

Sungjin looks at me like I owe him something. I look at him confused as to what he needs from me. Iris then hits him by the shoulder with an A4 menu board.

“She doesn’t know the menu, Captain…”, she hands me the menu board, “... sorry about that.”

I just smile at them both before taking a look at the menu. Jae sits down beside me but I don’t look at him, I just focus on the menu I have in my hand. “I’ll have the usual, Cap.” He says over my head. Even when we’re both seated he’s still so much taller.

It takes me a while to actually read the menu. The place is really a curry restaurant because the only food you see on their menu is curry. I didn’t know that there can be different kinds of curry until now. I’m not really a curry person but when Auntie cooks it, I eat it. But it’s not something I would really crave for so I’m going over everything one by one. I feel a bit tense because Sungjin is staring at me, waiting for my order and I have yet to decide which one I actually want to try.

“Try this one, the original recipe, it’s their best and fool-proof dish.” Jae points at the curry placed under the classics category. I want to be petty and not order what he just suggested. But again, I don’t want to leave a rude first impression to his friends.

“Yeah, sure.” I look at Sungjin and say, “I’ll have the original recipe.”

He nods and writes it down on the piece of paper he has. Iris then swiftly gets the menu board I have just placed down on the table and grabs the piece of paper Sungjin was handing her. Then, she stands up and goes straight to the kitchen.

“Uhh, why did she go to the kitchen?” I ask Sungjin.

But Sungjin doesn’t seem to hear what I just said. I wouldn’t blame him, with how his team are talking to each other, not even an elephant can hear me with the way I was whispering.

“Her father owns the restaurant.” Jae answers my question.

That’s when I look at him. He heard me? Really? The distance I have between Sungjin and the distance I have with him are closely similar. He couldn’t have heard me.

“What?” He asks. “Is there something on my face?”

That’s when I realized I was staring at him while having a monologue in my head. I turn away and I see Brian grinning widely at me. So I look somewhere else. That’s when I see Martin sitting just a few feet away from me at one of those solo chairs lined up across a counter table. It seems like he’s already placed his order because now he’s turned himself around and leaning back on the counter to observe the place. He catches me looking at him so he gives a curt nod.

I just give him an awkward smile before Brian starts to interrogate me. “So, Olivia. How’s the cafe? We haven’t visited the place in a while.” The moment Brian started talking to me the chattering between the team grows louder.

“The cafe’s the same but I haven’t gone there, with midterms and all.”

Okay, cool, I answered smoothly. Maybe it’s because no one here is paying attention to me except him, Jae and Ayeon.

“That bodyguard of yours, is he really always with you?”

“Yeah... I think that’s a bodyguard’s main job, to be always there wherever I go.” Ayeon smiles at my snarky comment and Brian does too.

“But why do you even need a bodyguard, are you the president’s daughter?” He asks too seriously that Ayeon smacks his arm.

“Don’t be silly, do you think the president’s daughter would only have one bodyguard?” I’m not sure if she’s joking or if she’s serious. But by the looks of it they really want to know why.

“Personal questions are forbidden. If you need your curiosity to be filled, you gotta wait at the back of the line.” Jae snarls at them. They don’t seem to care about him because, Brian moves forward across the table and rests his folded arms onto the surface. “Jae texted your bodyguard super last minute right?” He asks playfully.

“Okay, Brian shut up.” Jae says to him, but he just ignores him.

“If you’re wondering why, it’s because he wasn’t sure with what to say to him.” Jae is laughing nervously while Brian starts to explain the background story of Jae’s text invitation.

“Oh and did you know, he’s been contemplating whether to call or to just send a message the moment he got the calling card?” Then something white hits Brian on the chest.

Despite that he still continues, “It was a really funny sight to be honest. And it’s also miraculous that he got through the exams with flying colors. All he really did the past days was think of how to ask you to come to our practice.” Apparently, Jae has been grabbing pieces of tissue from the dispenser and crumples it to throw at Brian who is now just laughing at him while trying to swat the balls of tissue that is thrown to him.

“Even this morning he was really nervous because he wasn’t sure if you’d want to come to our practice. It’s a good thing you came though or else he’d be sulking right now.”

“Shut up! Brian!” His voice is now louder. The same thing happens to his nervous laughing.

If I didn’t have that realization I had earlier then I would’ve been wondering like an idiot right now with why he is acting this way. But, I take everything what Brian had just told me with a grain of salt. Maybe not just a grain, but a whole teaspoon of it.

I just give them both an empty laugh, praying that he won’t ask me any questions or even tell me stories like these. And just as I prayed, Iris with a tray full of plates of curry comes into the picture. Sungjin immediately stands up and helps her with the tray. He puts a plate in front of me and then Jae, then Brian, and then the rest of the team.

And as soon as they’re done, a man wearing an apron and bandana around his forehead places a plate in front of where Iris is supposed to be seated. It’s a different meal, one that I didn’t see on the menu board.

“I wasn’t informed there was a game today? Did you guys win?” He asks.

Jimin answers him from the other end of the table. “We didn’t have a game today, just the beginning of summer training. The captain thought it would be nice to end this day with some curry.”

“Oh, is that so?”

He places a hand on Sungjin’s shoulder who’s now back in his seat.

“And I see there are new faces, are they new members of the team?” He looks at me and then at Suzy and Sammy who’s sitting near Jimin.

“No dad, they’re Sammy’s friends. You’ve heard of Sammy right? That’s him…,” she points towards Sammy, “ …the one beside him is Suzy, his cousin and Olivia…,” she looks at me before sitting down, “is their friend, they’ve known each other since kindergarten.”

Olivia’s dad looks really nice and gentle, like a regular dad. But not like my dad, because mine intimidates me. Olivia’s dad is like an awesome uncle, one you’d get to play some cards with and casually curse in front of and he wouldn’t even care.

I bow to greet him, “Good evening, sir.”

“You look strangely familiar. Have I seen you before?” He asks as he looks at me intently, trying to examine where he has seen my face. I hope he doesn’t know me or my family. It’s very unlikely that my picture is just plastered on some poster or advertised on billboards like I’m some sort of artist so if he doesn’t google my family’s business he’ll never know who I am.

“I don’t think so, sir.” I say trying to cover up the nervousness in my voice.

“Maybe you’ve eaten here before, I never forget a customer’s face.” I shake my head a tad too vigorously, “Uhh, that would be impossible as it’s my first time here. Maybe I just really have that kind of face, that familiar kind of face.” I chuckle.

“That’s not true! You have a pretty face.” Jae suddenly retorts. And like how it happens on television, he says it loud enough at the moment when it starts to quiet down because everyone is busy shoving food into their faces.

Brian suddenly coughs up the curry he’s been devouring. Ayeon hurriedly pours him some water on his cup. I know that I told myself to take everything with a grain of salt but if you’re suddenly told you’re pretty in front of a lot of people, you’d be blushing too. He’s probably as embarrassed as I am because now he’s stuffing his face with his curry. And so I do the same, I grab my spoon and stare at my curry to hide my blushing face.

“Dad, you’re being weird.” I hear Iris say.

“Alright. That means I need to go. I’ll leave you guys now.” I hear his footsteps go back to the kitchen.

That was a close one. I like that no one from this group of people know who I am or what my family background is—except for Sammy and Suzy of course— and I’d like to keep it that way, maybe at least for today.

Then it got me thinking, does Jae know who I am? Who my family is?

I take a glance at him, as I take a spoonful of curry with rice. He’s already halfway through his while I haven’t even put a dent on mine. I don’t judge him though because as soon as the curry hits my tastebuds, I wanted another bite almost instantly. I should probably bring Auntie here so she could try the curry.

“This curry is really delicious.” I say to Iris.

“Thank you. Sorry about my dad earlier, he can be really weird sometimes.” She tells me as she takes a bite of Sungjin’s curry.

“No, it’s okay. Maybe he just saw someone that looks like me or something.” I stuff another spoonful of curry into my face, avoiding the topic again. My actions translate to them as enjoying my food because Sungjin suggests, “You should try the spicy one next time, it has a lot more kick to it.”

Will there ever be a next time though? Will there be a time that I’d get to visit this shop again? Am I going to be with them when that happens? Or with Jae? Or alone?

I’m overthinking everything again. I just smile at him and say, “Sure.”

During the rest of the meal, the team doesn’t really pay attention to me as much as they do with Suzy, which is actually a good thing. Well, I don’t know with Suzy but to me it is. At least I don’t  need to focus my energy on socializing and as far as I know Suzy, she enjoys the attention.

I notice Jimin standing up in the middle of the chaotic table talk that was happening in front of her. She comes up to the cash register and starts counting some cash in front of the cashier but she suddenly stops when the cashier says something to her.

She walks up to Iris who just finished her meal.

“Iris, is your dad really paying for the whole team’s bill?” Her face full of confusion.

“Huh?” She looks clueless.

Then my phone suddenly buzzes.

**Martin sent a message.**

I look up to where he is and he’s looking at me as he waves his phone. I tap the screen to open his text.

Just sent:

**Paid the bill with your card. Told the cashier to say it was from the owner. The cashier already informed him too so all is good. I’ll wait for you in the car. Take your time :)**

**P.S**

**In case of emergency, press the panic button. ;)**

Martin can be so nosy sometimes. I look at his direction but he’s already heading outside. “I’ll ask dad, wait here.” Iris says as she goes into the kitchen. My palms suddenly get sweaty I have to subtly wipe it on my skirt. I don’t want to be known as Olivia, the daughter of President Kim from SKZ, I just want to be known as normal Olivia, the one they know from the cafe. Why did Martin even do that anyway? He’ll definitely hear an earful from me later, that’s for sure.

Iris comes out from the kitchen and sits down on her chair. She doesn’t look any different than how she left earlier. My palms get even sweatier, so I clasp them together under the table.

Then, she smiles.

“Yeah, dad said he wanted to treat the team as a way to cheer them up for the upcoming nationals.” She says it normally but after she gives me a look that says she knows everything.

The whole team cheers and thanks Iris’ dad in the kitchen. He shows himself on the plexiglass and waves at everyone, this only enticed more cheers from the group.

Everyone then starts deciding who’s going to head to the arcade and who’s going home. Ayeon asks for my number and so does Iris. I exchanged numbers with them, and let me note how hesitant I was, but Iris gave me this sweet smile that assured me it’s okay if I decide to not give it to them. For some reason that gesture was what pushed me to actually exchange numbers with them. Weird fact about me, my contact list is very short. It consists of the three people I know who works at the cafe, Martin, Auntie, my two sisters and my parents. And just recently Suzy is added to the list. So I only have ten names. Now, I have twelve. Brian asks for it too but I tell him that Ayeon already has it so there’s no need to give him mine. He looks hurt but Ayeon just laughs it over and pushes him out.

“See you soon Olivia!” Ayeon says before saying goodbye.

Suzy on the other hand is surrounded by guys asking for her number. She gives it to them with zero hesitation while Sammy looks like he’s so done with his cousin. The group eventually heads out and it’s only me and Jae, Iris and Sungjin, Sammy and Suzy that’s left.

“Thank you for the wonderful meal Iris. The curry your dad makes is so delicious,” Suzy mentions.

“Suzy will be riding with me Via, you don’t need to worry about her anymore.” Sammy assures me. I just nod at them both who’s now exchanging goodbyes with Iris, Sungjin and Jae.

Jae suddenly announces he needs to use the restroom but before he goes he drags Sungjin with him. Now, it’s only Iris and me that’s left.

“Uhh, do you need help in cleaning these up?” I gesture at the plates that’s left on the table. She gives me a small laugh and waves her hand, “There’s no need to, the part-timers will clean it up in a minute...” and as soon as she says it, there are part-timers starting to pick up the used plates.

“Thank you for paying for the meal.” She suddenly says.

So, she does know.

“My dad tells me everything.”

“Thanks for not announcing it to everyone.” I tell her.

“I figured you’re like Sammy who like to keeps a low-profile. But, you know you didn’t have to do that. Coach gives the team money for these kind of events.”

We’re now standing by the plexiglass to give the part-timers space to clean up and ready the tables for the customers pouring in.

“It was Martin who insisted. He likes to feed people.” I made that up, only because I have no idea what Martin was thinking doing this.

“Your bodyguard insisted on paying for the meal that hungry baseball players just ate?” She asks, her voice full of doubt.

I nod at her innocently, “Yeah, he’s like that. I don’t normally go out to eat with friends, let alone with people I just met, so maybe he thought it would be nice to celebrate this milestone by paying for the bill.” The words just come flowing out of my mouth. Do I honestly think that’s why he did it? Before I begin to overthink things again, Sungjin and Jae returns from the restroom.

Jae doesn’t look at me when he says, “Let’s go!” He walks straight towards the doorway without even saying goodbye to Iris and Sungjin.

I look at the couple, feeling confused. But they both don’t seem to find Jae’s actions weird.

Iris then tells me, “Just go with him. We’ll be fine here.” I hesitantly follow where Jae went, bowing at the both of them in the process. As I move farther, Sungjin pulls Iris closer to him by her shoulders before waving at me.

“I hope to see you more often Olivia!” Iris shouts as I reach the doorway. I look back at her and give a small smile before heading out.

My eyes adjust to the soft natural light of the sunset, after coming out from the shop. Jae’s standing by the potted plants at the edge of the doorway.

I just realized that we haven’t really had a real conversation since he announced to everyone I have a pretty face. No, scratch that, even after their practice ended, we haven’t really talked to each other.

“Uhh, so let me walk you to your car,” He suggests.

“My car is just there.” I point at the sedan that’s parked right across the street.

He laughs, “Oh, you’re right.”

What do you say at times like this? I remember Auntie telling me before that it’s proper manners to thank the person who invited you to something, whatever it may be. So, maybe I should do that.

“Thank you for inviting me to watch your team practice baseball.” I’m fiddling with the hem at the back of my blouse as I thank him.

He adjusts his backpack by propping it up and down on his back. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m the one who should thank you for even coming.”

“Why do you have to thank me? I’m the outsider here.”

It’s true though. Why does he have to say thank you to someone who didn’t really contribute to anything other than be there?

“No, don’t say that. You just being there is what I’m thankful for.”

“Is that really something to be thankful for?” I say out loud. And I immediately realized I talked out loud again.

“Of course that’s something to be thankful for! A person spared me her time and effort to watch me practice baseball when she could have just done some other interesting stuff.”

“You have a point.”

And silence between us commences. The only sounds you’ll hear are the sounds of people talking and utensils click-clacking from the curry shop. I stop the hem fiddling and it’s like I knocked some sense into my head. There is nothing Olivia. This is nothing.

“I better get going. Today was…”

I have a hard time thinking of how to describe how today went. I can’t figure out what I feel about what happened, more importantly, about him. Just like what he said, I could've done something far more interesting. But honestly, this is probably the most interesting that has happened to me in a long while. Maybe that’s the reason why I feel so confused.

“... really interesting.” My voice trails off.

“Interesting…” he repeats.

I wave goodbye to him and start crossing the street. But then he calls out for me, “Wait, Olivia!” I stop and turn to look back at him. He takes a few strides and he reaches where I’ve stopped.

“Uhh— wait...” He grabs my hand and pulls me as we move away from the middle of the street. We reach the back of the sedan, his hand still holding mine. I give my hand a slight movement because I don’t feel comfortable with this skin contact anymore. He realizes that he’s still holding my hand and just like how he did at their campus, he drops it like I just burnt his hand or something.

“Oh God, sorry. I don’t know why I keep holding your hand.” He’s doing that nervous laugh of his again. It’s kind of endearing. I shove the thought away immediately, wanting to hit myself for trying to build something in my head again.

He looks at me expectantly while I do the same to him.

“You called me remember?”

“Oh right, right.” He bursts out another laugh and then like it never happened his face turns blank. “I was going to ask you if… maybe you’d… want to go through sunset brick road today?”

If I were me a few hours ago I would’ve probably felt that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach but the cynic in me is saying that everything is just in my head and shoots down any thought that there is something.  It’s frustrating that I really can’t read what he’s thinking.

But, maybe if I go I can find out?

“Alright, let’s go.” I say as I walk towards the car door.

“Really?” He confirms.

“Yeah, I said let’s go.”

“I was thinking maybe we can go there without Martin?”

I narrow my eyes at him, “Get inside the car,” open the car door and wave my hand for him to enter.

“It was worth the try.” He say as he brings his shoulders up before going inside the vehicle.

“Ha-ha-ha”

“Sorry to have kept you waiting Martin,” He says with a hint of sarcasm.

I just roll my eyes at him before strapping in my seatbelt.

“To sunset brick road Martin.”

“Yes ma’am!” He begins driving as soon as he hears the click of Jae’s seatbelt.

The drive to the sunset brick road isn’t as quiet as it was going to the curry shop. If not for Martin’s small talk with Jae the drive would be dead silent. I don’t catch anything they’re talking about though, other than the words cool and yeah that they say after every sentence. That’s because I’m trapped in my own thoughts again.

 _He’s playing with me._ The thought keeps replaying inside my head.

That should explain it. That’s the only explanation why he’s doing all of these things. He’s enjoying seeing me go along with his antics. And he’s probably just doing this to win that bet we have. He’s doing all of this to get free boba.

He’s doing  _all of this_ just for boba? Insane.

We reach the sunset brick road when the sun is just about to finish setting. We stop in the middle of walking so we can take in the sunset’s beauty during its last minutes.“I can never get tired of watching the sunset.” He says, his voice full of awe. I feel the same way but for reasons I’m sure that is entirely different from his. Since, for me I think it’s more of  _I should never get tired of it_. That sort of feeling.

The sun has set but the sky is still in that magical state where the dark blue is still transitioning its way to replace the sunset orange color. I begin walking though. Jae follows a few seconds after.

“Why did you even hold my hand?” The moment I blurted the words out of my mouth I bite my lower lip.

Where the heck did that come from?

He looks so surprised. “W-w-wait, what?”

Okay, let’s feign innocence. “What? I didn’t say anything.” I shake my head and start to walk away.

“No no no… you said something,” he grabs my hand to stop me but I yank it away with too much force than needed, “Please!” My voice makes a small echo around that I actually surprise myself, “Stop doing that…” He raises both his hands up in the air, shock painted all over his face, “I’m sorry.”

I feel a bit guilty for suddenly snapping at him. But, I don’t apologize. Instead, the filter I have between the nerves on my mind and my mouth decide to shut down on its own.

“Do you love boba that much?” He looks too dumbfounded that I’m starting to realize that I’m not thinking straight anymore. What am I doing?

“Boba has milk in it right? How can you even drink that then, aren’t you lactose intolerant?” I ask him.

“For your information boba shops sell slushies, those don’t have milk in them. Also, why are you getting worked up by boba? Where did that thought suddenly come from?” His voice gets louder every sentence.

“You tell me. Why are you doing all of  _these_ …” I wave my arms in the air in a circular motion, “...just for boba? I’ll buy you boba right now, just stop playing with me!”

His face still looks like he isn’t understanding what I’m trying to convey. It’s not his fault, I don’t even understand what I’m doing right now.

“Doing what?” He asks.

“Walking with me, watching the sunset, waiting for me to come so we can walk together, inviting me to your school, introducing me to your friends, holding my hand, not talking to me on our way to the curry shop, listening to whatever I say, not talking to me  _at_  the curry shop, saying that I have a pretty face, holding my hand… not talking to me when we  _left_  the curry shop, holding my hand...” It’s like I held my breath the whole time that I’m gasping for air.

“You think I’m playing with you?” He asks but the corner of his lips are rising up.

“Are you not?” I say brazenly as I cross my arms to my chest, not amused by the slight smirk he has on his face.

“First of all let me clear something up, the reason why I didn’t talk to you inside the car is because your bodyguard was there and he scares me a little bit. Second of all, I thought you were mad at me about something which is why I didn’t talk to you on our way here. And third of all, you’re the one who wouldn’t even give me a chance to strike up a conversation!”

“Me?!” I get defensive.

“Yes! You! You always have this serious look on your face and you wouldn’t even look at me, but when you do it’s always those deep stares you do at random moments and it catches me off guard!”

We’re basically shouting at each other now with how loud our voices are.

“That’s because I can’t read you or whatever you’re thinking in that head of yours!” He blinks at me a couple of times before smiling sheepishly.

“You’re thinking about me?”

I scoff at him, “You are so unpredictable, I can’t understand what’s your deal.”

And, just like usual, whenever I get faced with something that I can’t figure out, I just leave it. That’s what I do, I leave him and start walking away.

“I’m not playing with you though!” He yells which triggers me to scream back, “Then explain what the hell you want from me?! You’re being so nice when you don’t even know me!”

“I don’t want anything from you. And is it a bad thing that I’m nice to you?”

What he said is true. There’s nothing wrong with being nice. But when you’re used to being faced with people being nice to you just because you have some sort of clout or faced with people who look harmless but stabs you in the back— you tend to develop some trust issues. Yet, I’m regretting whatever this is that I started. It’s not his fault that he’s nice to me, so why am I getting angry? My patience really is something I need to work on. I always get myself into trouble because of it or my lack of it.

It’s shame that I’m feeling now but I decide to just continue pushing head on. I’m already in the middle of it so why not just plunge myself even further to the pit of embarrassment and regret, right?

“Yes. Yes, it is. You can’t be nice to someone you don’t know, especially when it’s me you’re being nice to.” He shakes his head too vigorously that his hair is swaying left and right. His hair isn’t too long but it isn’t too short either. It’s in the right length where you can see how fluffy and soft it is.

“That’s messed up…when you first met Suzy and Sammy did you purposely act like a bitch because you didn’t know them?”

I hate that he’s making it so much clearer that his point in this conversation is the valid one and whatever argument I was playing earlier was faulty and based on nothing but pent up angst and turmoil of an emotionally unstable teenage girl. The smug look on his face accompanied by his use of the word bitch makes me purse my lips.

“So, what’s your point?” I say with a tad of sarcasm.

“I just want to be your… friend…and it seemed like you’d only give me the time of day when I do something weird… like that bet…”

He wants to be my friend? Then why’d he say he missed me? Okay, friends do miss each other. Then, why’d he say I have a pretty face? Okay, when we were kids Sammy definitely said that to Suzy and I multiple times. But friends don’t hold hands like that. Well, it’s evident that the only reference I have is Suzy and Sammy as they’re my only real friends. Sure, Suzy likes to cling her arms with mine but she never holds my hand like that. Sammy, on the other hand, definitely doesn’t hold my hand. I think. I try to rack my brain for any memory of hand holding with Sammy, but there really isn’t any that pops up. He puts his arm around my shoulder but that’s only because he’s taller than me and he does that to Suzy too. He likes to use us as his portable table-slash-armrest. So there isn’t anything special with that gesture.

Wait, why am I even having an argument with myself right now? Am I trying to convince myself that he doesn’t want to be friends? Or is it because I’m hoping that there’s something more special with whatever  _this_  is?

It’s not the latter one that’s for sure.

“I don’t trust you.” I whisper under my breath, so quietly that he probably just hear me sighing.

He lets out a small nasally chuckle as he glances at the river, before locking his gaze directly at me. “That’s why I said I’ll make you trust me right?”

How is it that he can hear me? With the distance between us, he shouldn’t be able to hear me at all. Martin’s the only one who actually understands whatever I say even if he’s meters away. It’s like it’s programmed in him to hear my voice but that’s only because he’s been with me since I was young. So how can he hear me?

“With or without the boba, I really want you to trust me.” He’s slowly moving towards me.

“But I can’t do that if you won’t give me a chance… if you don’t want to be friends… at the least.”

He stops a good foot away from where I am standing. “So, why don’t we start again?” He reaches out his hand and cocks his head to the side, “Hi, my name is Jaehyung Park and I would love to be your friend.”

I’m just staring at him with his hand still extended towards me. I can just walk away right now and pretend I never even met the guy. Then, everything would go back to normal.

But, then again, I was never normal to begin with.

Can I even be friends with him? Suddenly I’m reminded of what Martin has said to me previously,  _you’ll never know if you don’t try, if you don’t then the what ifs will eat you later…_  or somewhere along those lines.

He still has his hand out.

Reluctantly I say, “Hello…” but a few seconds later, I put out my hand to grab his and finally seal in a shake.

“My name is Olivia Kim.”

And there goes his cheeky smile again.


	15. Blue Light

— **Olivia** —

Summer vacation means either more time to myself or more time working at the cafe. So far, I’ve spent the last two days to myself.

I glance at the wall clock just above where my desk is situated. It’s 9 am. I grab my phone from one of the bedside tables and swipe the screen to check for any messages. Other than Suzy’s regular update on how her trip in the Bahamas is going— I have no messages. This makes me involuntarily groan and slam my phone, screen down, back onto the table.

“Why’d they even invent phones then?” I ask the ceiling. A familiar knock comes and there leaning by the door stands Martin.

“Who are you talking to?”

I just glare at him and lay my head back down.

“Oh, somebody woke up from the wrong side of the bed.”

“Every side of this bed is the wrong side,” I retort.

He sits on the edge of my bed, “That sucks, why not try sleeping on the floor then? Maybe that will make you peppy and energetic in the morning.”

I snap my head back up and glare at him, to which he just shrugs his shoulders at. So, I grab a pillow and throw it straight at him, but he just catches this with so much ease, it annoys me even more.

“Breakfast is ready. Auntie made me come up here to wake you up.”

“I don’t want breakfast.” I’m lying, I’m actually starving.

“Yeah, sure. Then what’s that growling I hear? Wolves?”

“You’re pretty snarky yourself today too.” I lay my head sideways onto my pillow so I can look at Martin.

“Sorry,” he pinches the bridge of his nose, “it’s just there’s a lot of things happening at HQ and coordinating with them is usually a pain in the bum.” In Martin’s world, HQ means any place where my parents are, which in this case is the house our family has in London.

“Why?” I ask nervously.

“It’s nothing, just the usual preparations for the upcoming Summer Gala.”

I groan at the moment I hear the words _Summer_ and _Gala_ together in one sentence _._ The summer gala is this annual charity event that SKZ Corporation organizes. Every year they have a different program to raise funds for the charities the company supports. In my opinion, this event is just a disguise for everyone to show off how deep their pockets are, particularly my parents. If all of them really cared about the charities they wouldn’t need to spend a lot of money to get money. They should just give all of it to those in need.

“God, I _totally_ forgot about that ostentatious event. So, what are their plans for this year?”

“This year they’ll be auctioning off items. They’ll also have a live band throughout the whole event…”

My eyes widen, “Wow, how modest of them.”

“They also have the Cirque as the finale.”

“I spoke too soon.”

“Anyway, they want a logistics plan and a full report on the status of the function room by tomorrow, like that place suddenly shrank or something for them to need a report every year.”

The one thing I love about having Martin as my personal bodyguard is his candidness with regard to how obnoxiously rich my parents are. When he’s with me he doesn’t filter his thoughts about them. It’s cathartic for me in a way.

“Want me to make it for you?” I slyly suggest.

He flashes a fake smile, “No thank you. The last time I asked for your help, I had to explain to Marshall why _I_ submitted a report written in crayons with a special note for him saying, _you suck marshall._ ”

I start to snicker to myself. I did that during the first year I got back from London. Martin seemed so stressed out having to work everything out here while the rest of his team are still back at HQ, so I asked if I could help and I actually wanted to help him but when I found out that Marshall would be the first person to see the report, I grabbed the opportunity. “It’s not funny. Marshall was a big prick about it.” He sulks as he recalls the moment.

Eventually Auntie comes up my room to get us to eat breakfast as Martin and I end up just talking about how Marshall’s shoes always never matched his suit and how his hair is never parted the right way so it makes him look like an awkward highschool student trapped in a middle aged man’s body.

After finishing my meal, I take my used plate and bring it to the kitchen. Martin and Auntie follows behind with the rest of the dishes. “Please tell me you have plans today?” Auntie asks as she places the plates on her hands onto the sink. It’s obvious that Auntie is displeased with my 48-hour stay inside the confines of my room, doing nothing but lay down and stream documentaries on my laptop. I planned to watch the Conspiracies series today, as recommended by my good’ ol friend Reddit. But by the look on Auntie’s face I need to do something different or else she won’t give me a break and will start lecturing me about life and time— like I have not spend most of my waking hour thinking about it already. I could finish reading my book, but sadly I’m not in a reading mood either.

“I’m going to play by the gardens today...” I make up a lie.

“Play what?” She questions my response as she grabs her apron that is hooked at the side of the kitchen counter. I turn to look at Martin for some help, but he justs shrugs his shoulders and gives me a look that says I’m on my own on this one. “It’s too hot outside for you to spend your day playing games there or watch videos,” she comments as she finishes tying her apron and begins to arrange all the plates inside the sink.

I try to go back to my room by stealthily walking away, but she turns and catches me, “Why don’t you go to the cafe today?” I stop and pretend I wasn’t just about to walk away. “I’m not really in the mood to work today.” I wince at her suggestion. “Then, why don’t you let Martin call that new friend of yours. The one that plays baseball. He seems to be fun to be with according to Martin’s stories.” I give Martin this deploring look and mouth a ‘ _you traitor.’_ He justs raises both his hands and shrugs his shoulders. To make things even worse, he starts to prod Auntie’s idea by saying we have just recently exchanged contact numbers.

Auntie switches the faucet off and looks at me with a surprised expression, “Really? You willingly gave someone your number?” Technically, if it wasn’t for Martin’s incessant teasing at that time I wouldn’t have given him my number. What happened was when Martin offered to give Jae a ride home he strongly declined it saying that if he accepted it he was afraid I wouldn’t see him anymore. In all honesty, if he did actually get in the car at that moment I would probably have a different impression of him now. And my guts are telling me that it would have been a bad one. So, before I hopped inside the car, Jae asked for my number. Seeing that I exchanged numbers with Iris and Ayeon, he thought that he’d try to get it as well. If he didn’t mention that fact in front of Martin then I wouldn’t have been put in a tight situation. Anyway, long story short. I gave him my number and he gave me his. He told me he’ll message me before saying goodbye. Fast forward to the present time, he still hasn’t sent me a single text.

“Yeah… but… well he told me he’ll message me… uhh… so…  I don’t really want to overstep myself…”

Auntie suddenly giggles softly then squeezes the sponge in her hand before continuing washing the dishes, “Oh Olivia, you don’t need to wait for him to message you. If he really is your friend then you don’t have to wait for anything just to send him a simple message.” For some reason having Auntie casually lecture me about the rules of texting doesn’t make me feel any better.

“I’m going up to my room now Auntie. If anyone needs me, you know where to find me.” I say the last part for Martin. If I stay one more minute inside the kitchen I feel like Auntie will harangue me until I actually just want to stay out of the house. I speedily walk out of the kitchen, pass by the dining room and out towards the center staircase. I hop onto the stairs and two steps into it the doorbell rings.

That’s weird. With Suzy in the Bahamas, I’m very sure we won’t be getting any visitors. I call for Martin, but as soon as I see the video of the person outside on the doorbell intercom, I run towards the door and open it.

It’s Sammy. “What are you doing here?” I know that we kind of made up already, but I did not expect him to just come by my house unannounced like this.

“Martin called me.” He says as he waves his hand as a hello. I let Sammy inside and as soon as he comes in, Martin arrives to the scene.

They exchange their usual greetings of _What’s up little man_ and _Hey, Martin_ before giving each other that short chest bump hug guys give each other.

“Am I missing something here?” I ask the two of them, confused as to why Sammy is here at the request of my personal bodyguard.

“He called me saying he needed my help with something important.” Sammy points to the direction beside him. I follow where he’s pointing at and I give Martin a glowering look.

“Right, I did. I called you earlier to ask you to help me with her.” He points at me.

My eyes widen at Martin and I exclaim, “Me?” He nods, then puts an arm around Sammy, “I need you to keep her company for the day…” I grimace at his plan.

“As I’ll be busy doing some very important things that involves slaying dragons and taming beasts, the princess of this castle will be left alone, and we can’t have that now, can we?”

I scoff at his stupidity.

“Yeah, we can’t have that.” For some reason Sammy is riding with this nonsense.

I scoff again at both of their stupidities.

“Both of you are acting stupid. I’m just going to chill in my bedroom Martin, you didn’t need to bother Sammy. He has more interesting things he can do than hang out with me.”

Sammy looks appalled at what I just said, “I can’t believe you just said that Via. I’m your best friend. Hanging out with you is technically my job. And logically that applies to you as well.” He takes a glance at Martin to get affirmation, “Plus, with Suzy on vacation, who’s going to keep you company for the next three days other than yours truly?”

“They all left you at home didn’t they?” I guess the reason he’s being fully supportive of Martin’s antics is because of that. The self-satisfied look he has on his face instantly disappears.

“Yeah, dad wasn’t really happy with how my exam results went.” He explains as his shoulders slowly droop down.

“How bad was it?”

He recoils at my question. But, eventually he answers me, “Not as bad as last time. I placed 50th overall.”

Fiftieth isn’t bad but it’s not stellar either. If he isn’t really aiming for ivy league universities then he’s good. “That’s not so bad. You’re good to go for some great colleges out there.” I try to comfort him. But we both know that it’s either ivy or nothing when it comes to us.

“You know that’s not an option…”

I let out an empty laugh and agree with him. He’s not the only one with parents who have huge expectations. Ever since I could remember, my parents have had only one vision for me. To become a lawyer and inherit the company. It’s something deep down inside I know I cannot give to them.

“You could get married to someone from an illustrious background?” I unknowingly suggest as a joke.

“Yeah… but we know you don’t like me that way…” I gasp at what he just said. I can’t believe he just said that. Despite him using that topic as a joke, I’m actually stunned that this topic isn’t so taboo for me anymore.

He asks, “Too soon?” And I slap his arm playfully, “You think?” We both laugh at each other.

He greets Auntie and they talk to each other for some time. I try to keep up with their conversation as I gather up some snacks to hoard inside my room. Regardless if Sammy is here or if Auntie gets mad, my initial plan of watching the Conspiracies will still pursue. Sammy helps me carry the overflowing bag of chips and cookies from my arms.

“This place really hasn’t changed.” He comments as he takes a look around the place while we walk towards my room.

We enter my room and I place the snacks on the coffee table in front of my TV. Sammy takes his time to come inside as he spectacles on the view that is my room. “But your room sure transformed. What happened to the bubblegum pink wallpaper and the glow in the dark stars you have plastered everywhere?” He places down the chips he has in his hands onto the table and sits down on the floor.

I can’t even picture how my old room looked like. The monotonous and crisp aesthetic of the white and taupe color scheme of my room now seems like home to me than the bright pink color my young self loved. “I outgrew them. Besides, this feels more me.”

He doesn’t say anything but he looks like he wants to, but I don’t ask. Instead I grab the remote control and with the built-in streaming sites on the TV, I search for the Conspiracies series.

“Oh, come on. We’re not watching a documentary series,” Sammy groans.

“This is why I wanted to be alone.” I tell him.

He grabs the remote from my hand, “Well, boo-hoo you’re stuck with me… where’s your game console?” He crawls towards the TV and searches for any signs of gaming devices.

I shake my head at him and just grab the potato chips from the pile.

“ _Of course_ you have both the Xbox and Playstation here…” he shuffles through the devices, “All that’s left is the Switch… oh wait, you have it here too…”

I just ignore his sarcastic adulation and shove a potato chip into my mouth. “Can you please just choose one so we can start playing already?” I say as I chew.

He looks back at me, “And here I thought you didn’t want to play.” I throw an unopened bag of chips into his face.

He ends up choosing the playstation. Sammy pops in the Zombies vs. Aliens game. The same game I left on Suzy’s desk to give to him.

“You know this game is very addicting. I stayed up until 3 am trying to get past level 10.” He comments over the flashing intro of the game.

“Hmm… I actually only played this game once and I stopped the moment my avatar died.” I tell him.

“Quitter…”

“Oh, I bet you that I can get to level 11 in one sitting.”

“Yeah, right.” The sarcasm in his voice awakens the competitive side in me.

Two hours later, we’re on the decisive moment in level 10.

“You have to be careful when you go up the stairs, there’s a group of aliens there waiting for an ambush…” he warns.

“How many times have you played this game that you’ve memorized it?” I say as I smash the buttons on my controller as the enemy aliens do come out for an ambush.

“Too many times. Level 10 is a pretty difficult level. Props to the creators by the way, tell your dad they should get a raise or something.”

“Sure.” I say sarcastically.

I continue on pressing the buttons for different combinations to attack the non stop aliens coming our way. Until my phone begins to buzz. I placed my phone a few feet away from where we are seated so I can’t see who’s sending me a message.

“Hey! On your left! Zombies!” Sammy screams but I’m too preoccupied with trying to reach for my phone with my leg that I miss defending the attack.

The deep voiceover moans a creepy _Game Over_ , to which Sammy gets upset.

“What the hell? We could’ve won that Via!” But I ignore him and scramble to check my phone. I tap the screen and it’s just a message from Suzy and some notifications from Wordscapes. I groan as I check Suzy’s text. It’s just a picture of her sipping on a glass of coconut shake.

“Ugh…it’s just Suzy.”

He huffs in disbelief, “Way to be a supportive friend, Via.”

“Like you’re any better,” I bark back.

He raises his hand in defeat, knowing very well that he ignores Suzy’s texts when she’s on vacation. He leans back and stretches his arms so he can prop himself with them. I place my phone onto the coffee table, beside the pile of snacks that are all either completely finished or half-empty. When suddenly, a smirk flashes on Sammy’s face. “Were you waiting for someone to text you?” He asks, his voice sounding a bit playful.

Immediately I shut the thought of it down, “What? No. What made you think that?” It’s not like I’m waiting for a particular person to text me.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because you seem so anxious to check your phone.”

“That’s not true…”

“Oh look, you have a new message!” He points at my phone and I swiftly grab it to check. There’s no new message. I bite my lip. I can’t believe I just fell for that. He starts to snicker to himself.

I scowl at him, “Jerk.”

“So, he still hasn’t sent you a message or called you huh?”

“Wh-what are you saying? Wh-who are you talking about?” Whenever I get taken aback by something I always get so nervous that I stutter like an idiot.

“He’s my friend too Via. And unlike you, who I would like to note I’ve known since we were what, five years old? He tells me everything.” I just give him an apologetic smile. It’s not like I don’t want to tell him anything it’s just not in my nature to tell anyone what I’m thinking or feeling anymore. Like how irritated I am at myself for being disappointed that he still hasn't contacted me since he got my number. I don’t tell anyone that.

“He called me at this ungodly hour during one of their running sessions, asking whether to call or text you. I said just do whatever he feels like. But, apparently he’s still debating which one he should do.” I try not to show him that I’m glad that Jae does have a plan to contact me.

“Why don’t you try to contact him instead?” Sammy suggests. I shake my head vigorously, “Oh, no. That’s not possible.” Then, sweat forms on my palms I had to wipe them on my pants. The mere thought of calling someone terrifies me, let alone calling _him_.

“How so? You also have his number right?” I just keep on shaking my head at him and fiddle on the game controller trying to avoid the topic. I look at the TV and try to restart the game so we can drop the subject. But as soon as I select the start again option, Sammy grabs his controller and pauses the game.

“Tell me what’s so wrong with you calling him first?”

“Nothing,” I answer back too strongly than I actually intend it to be.

He takes my phone from the table and hands it to me, “Then, call him.” I don’t take the phone from his hand, I just stare at it like it’s some kind of weird contraption, not knowing what to do with it.

“Or at least text him, knowing him he’ll probably take a whole week just to send you one.” He puts the phone in my hand and gestures me to just do it.

The thing is I have never done this in my entire life so I have no idea what to say. “If it’ll help, you can type in whatever comes to your mind first and I’ll read it before you hit send.” Sammy offers before shoving a chip into his mouth.

I open the messaging app on my phone and pull up Jae’s contact number. And just as how the text cursor blinks, my mind turns on and off.

I type a message. Then, erase it.

Type. Erase. Type. Erase. Type. Erase. This goes on for a good five minutes.

“The point of sending someone a text is actually sending one that has actual text in it.” He winces as I attempt to punch his arm. “Alright, alright, I’m just kidding.”

“If it helps, you can always just start with a greeting…” He suggests while he shuffles through the mess on the table, looking for any trace of snacks left.

So I type in,

**Hi Jae, it’s Olivia…**

and I let it sit on the message box, hovering my thumb over the send button, still hesitating. Sammy sits back down on the floor beside me with a bag of onion rings he has found, but as he does so, his knee hits my elbow and the sound of a message sending plays from my phone.

Oh God.

I check my phone and there it is,

 

Just sent:

**Hi Jae, it’s Olivia…**

 

I shout at Sammy and at the same moment, my phone buzzes and I receive a message. I look at the screen and it’s from him. Panic rises that I drop the phone and move away from it.

“Via, what’s wrong with you, it’s just a message,” Sammy picks up the phone and tries to hand it to me, “It’s him! How is it he replied so fast?!” I yell, still moving away from the device.

“Probably because he’s like you, trying to send a text, worrying about what to say. Just look at his message.”

I shuffle further away from Sammy,  shaking my head, “No, I don’t want to see it…”

“Okay, then I’ll open it, tell me your passcode…” he says.

“Why would I tell you my passcode?”

“Exactly, so YOU have to open it.” He tosses the phone to me and instinct betrays me as I catch it despite not wanting to. With my now sweaty palms, I tap and swipe the screen. It automatically unlocks and the message pops open.

 

3 mins ago:

**Hello. Olivia? It’s Jae.**

 

1 min ago:

**Oh wow, we just sent each other a message at the same time. That’s so cool.**

 

30 secs ago:

**So… how were u?**

 

And there I go, staring at the blinking text cursor again, taking me another five minutes just to finish what I want to send. Sammy starts playing the game alone in frustration while waiting for me to reply.

 

Just sent:

**I’ve been good. Binged watched documentaries. How about you, what have you been up to?**

 

Just a minute later, he replies. So do I, and then later I realize we’re already texting each other.

 

3 mins ago:

**Cool… what documentaries?**

**Still busy with baseball practice :(**

Just sent:

 **Just random ones I found online. So far I’ve watched those about Penguins, Music Theory and one about different herbal plants that can be found in the mountains… well good luck with baseball.**  

Just now:

**Interesting choices you have… maybe you want to come by sometimes? Practice is always open…**

Just now:

**Well not really for everyone… but for you it is :)**

Just sent:

 **Hahaha. Sure it is…**  

Just now:

**I’m serious though**

Just now:

**Come drop by today, let’s eat together after.**

 

I don’t reply.

My phone buzzes.

 

Just now:

**Please? :)**

 

Apparently Sammy paused the game and has been staring at me for a while now. “Soooo…what did he say?” He gives me this annoying knowing look as he bites into the onion ring he has on his hand. I roll my eyes at him.

I check the wall clock and it’s 12:30 pm. Lunch time.

“Do you want to eat lunch?” I ask but he just looks at me with a confused look.


	16. Pitch Black

— **Olivia** —

We find ourselves at the front gates of their school. “I cannot believe you’d bring me here during summer vacation,” Sammy complains. “When you asked if I wanted lunch I thought you’d bring me to one of your family’s restaurants. I didn’t expect you to take me to school!” As Martin tries to calm Sammy down, I see a group of boys sporting the same gym bags and wearing similar white t-shirts and striped jogging pants.

“Oh, I get it now…” he places his arm over my shoulder, “...you know you could’ve just told me you wanted to eat lunch with Jae, then I wouldn’t have complained like that.” He yelps when I elbow the side of his torso.

The group sees us and they start to talk louder, some even yelling Jae’s name. He comes out from behind looking all confused at first but later on as he comes closer that smile of his appears.

“Hi…” he fixes the strap of his gym bag over his shoulder before giving me a small wave.

I try not to smile too much, “Hello.”

“You should’ve told me you were going to come.”

“You’re the one who asked me to.”

“That’s true...but you didn’t reply so I didn’t know if you’d actually show up.”

I just shrug my shoulders at him. He doesn’t notice Sammy until he greets him with a fist bump and tells him that he’s also there. Martin makes his presence known as well by giving a small tilt of his head.

A familiar voice calls my name, I turn to the group of boys walking towards the gate and even before I could locate where he is, from the moment I heard him I know the person who called me was Brian. He welcomes me with a wide grin. “Joining us for lunch?” I nod. “Cool. The girls are coming too, they’ll be so happy to see you both.”

The rest of the team herd around Sammy, asking the whereabouts of his cousin.

“So where were you guys planning to eat lunch?” I ask.

“Practice ended early today so we thought we’d grab lunch from the food court at the outlet mall.”

I side-eye Martin to check if he heard what Jae just said. But it looks like he’s too preoccupied with answering calls from people at the HQ that his attention is focused anywhere but what’s happening around us. I feel like all the chips I ate earlier is coming back up. “Are you okay?” Jae asks, worry painted all over his face. I swallow and give a weak smile, “Yeah, never been better.” That’s a lie. I feel like throwing up right now. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been inside a mall. The thought of going to an enclosed area full of people is making me nauseous. That and the fact that the only outlet mall near the area is the one owned by my parents makes everything worse.

“Are you sure?” I just nod my head at him.

Martin finally finishes whatever calls he had to make. Apparently he heard everything because he offers to give Jae and another baseball member a ride to the outlet mall. This leads to an intense rock-paper-scissors competition between the team. On one side, Brian loses the first round against Dowoon, then, he loses to Sungjin. On the other, Wonpil wins on a landslide against the other members. So, it means the one seat belongs to either Sungjin or Wonpil. I try to calm myself by focusing on the chaos that’s unraveling in front of me. There’s a clear distinction from those who had already lost which side they’re on. Yet, one voice overpowers everyone’s— Brian begins to hype both of them by cheering their names simultaneously, alternately calling Sungjin and then Wonpil, all the while throwing cheering fists into the air. For some unknown reason, Sammy became the game host as he announces the name of the players Olympics style before conducting the actual game. With one move, Wonpil wins and he begins to scream as he jumps around in circles. It’s quite funny and surprising, I never pictured him as that kind of guy. He seemed to be quiet and subtle.

“He’s like that…. most of the time,” Jae says in a foreboding manner.

We get inside the car, Sammy rides shotgun, Wonpil and Jae both get the window seats while I’m in between them. Wonpil is all smiley and giddy. Turning his head left and right, up and down, scanning every part of the car. It’s like watching a child visit a toy store for the first time. It’s fascinating to watch him be like this, quite amusing that I might have forgotten where we are heading to at the moment.

“Wonpil, can you please chill?” Jae scolds him. His shoulders droop down and he stops, but a few seconds later he’s back at it again. Jae gives up and just sighs to himself. Then, he proceeds to meddle with whatever Sammy and Martin have been small talking about up front. “So, uhm—Martin, I remember you telling me that no one sits on the passenger seat. _Rules_ , you said.” I try not to crack up at how he said the word _rules_. It sounds so vague whether he’s being impudent or not but I know for sure that he said that to mock him.

“What rules are you talking about?” Sammy asks.

Jae explains, “The one where Martin does not let anyone sit shotgun when he’s driving.” Sammy begins to laugh, “Since when did you have that rule?” I could see through the rearview mirror that Martin is trying to repress his laughter, “Circumstances require one to sit shotgun. I just made the rational decision to let Sammy sit here.”

Sammy then huffs out a loud but short chortle, “What do you mean rational decision? Like I’m the least important guy here so you let me sit in this _dangerous_ seat?!” We all laugh out loud at his sudden outburst.

It doesn’t take long until we arrive at the outlet mall. The nauseating nervousness is back when I see that we’re approaching the driveway. I catch Martin peek through the rearview mirror and he gives me this reassuring look that says it’s going to be okay. He heads to the parking lot. And, at the sight of our car, the valet comes running towards us. I feel like throwing up again. The valet bows to the driver’s window, which Martin opens to tell him that there’s no need for his assistance. He recognizes Martin and is about to insist. It’s a good thing Sammy suddenly instructs Martin, “You can park over there,” because that makes the valet retract his persistence.

Wonpil suddenly comments, “I didn’t know that this mall had valet service.” It really doesn’t have one, not unless you’re part of the VIP customer club. It’s one of the reasons why I choose not to go to this place.

“Maybe he recognizes me, my family is part of the VIP club thing here.” Sammy says as he winks at me. I just smile at him and he knows that I’m thanking him.

Jae taps on my shoulder and asks me to move closer to him, I do and he whispers something, “Doesn’t that mean you’re also part of that VIP thing?” I remember him telling me that Sammy mentioned to him a bit about me and my family. How much does he know?

“Yeah, but let’s just keep that between us.” I say quietly as I put my index finger on my lips.

He copies me and nods his head, “Okay…a secret…” Judging by the way he’s acting he might know that I’m just someone from an affluent family and not from a _specific_ one. And I think it’s best that we keep it that way, at least for a while, until I can rationally think about our current situation.

We go inside the mall and head to the food court where everyone decided to meet. Jae tells me that they wanted to try this newly opened burger joint there. Sammy is the same as usual since he frequents this place. Wonpil on the other hand, as soon as we get off the basement parking becomes even more frivolous than he was inside the car. It’s so fun watching him be himself. Jae shakes his head though, “Pil-ah, please control yourself.” But his chiding can only do so much, because a few minutes of calm Wonpil and happy-giddy Wonpil comes back out. Eventually, Jae stops trying to calm him down and just let him be.

“Wonpil seems so fun to be with,” I tell Jae. He takes a deep breath before letting it go as a sigh, “Yeah he is, but sometimes he can drain your energy.” I shake my head side to side, “On the contrary, I feel like he energizes a person.”

“That’s because you don’t see him everyday.” I’m not sure if he hates that idea or not. He adds, “But he’s a really reliable friend.” I glance at him and I could see that despite saying those things about him, he likes hanging out with him.

Distracted by Wonpil’s magnetic quirkiness, it took me a while to realize that we’ve been walking pass by the stores and boutiques already. The salesclerks all come out once we’ve passed their stores and double check among themselves if they’re really seeing what they’re seeing. Thankfully, Jae and Wonpil don’t notice this and continue on bickering with each other. However, my palms turn ice cold when I see a person dressed in a suit walk towards our direction. I’ve only seen him a few times with my father but I recognize him, he’s the operating manager of this mall.

He stops in front of Martin, bows and greets us.

“I apologize for the impudence, we weren’t informed that Ms. Oli—”

Sammy cuts him off, “It’s okay Mr. Yeonho. We’re just here to meet some friends. There’s no need to make a fuss.”

Yeonho looks at him with a confused look on his face, “Okay Mr. Woosung, but—”

“It’s okay Yeonho. That’s really what we’re here for. Just for lunch. There’s no need for any assistance.” Martin says with his hand raised midway.

He bows to us again, “If you need my help, you can always just call for me.”

We walk away from him, who is holding his bowing position until we are far from earshot. None of us talk for awhile. And the silence is killing me. That is until Jae breaks the silence, “Well… that was weird…”

Wonpil nods his head too vigorously I think I might have gotten a little dizzy for him, “Yeah, who is he calling Woosung?” I burst out laughing because I never expected that kind of remark. He looks at me wondering why I’m having this kind of reaction.

“Woosung is me. It’s my Korean name,” Sammy answers him.

“That’s not what I meant Wonpil, I meant that butler dude. So basically anyone part of the VIP club gets to be treated like they own the whole place?” He isn’t directing that question to me but for some reason I feel like it’s for me.

But, Sammy answers the question instead, “Yeah… but you have an option not to be served like that.” Lies. Total lies.

As far as I know VIP club members for this outlet mall aren’t given that kind of privilege, they only get access to certain facilities here and first-class passes on the stores’ special packages. Martin looks at me with an expression that’s asking what the hell am I doing. That’s what I want to ask too. Why am I letting my best friend lie for my sake?

I just shake my head at him hoping that he reads it as me telling him to let it go for today.

We reach the food court around the same time Iris and Ayeon have arrived. They’re with two more girls that I don’t recognize. They greet Jae, Wonpil and Sammy with a friendly hello, while Martin and I get a timid awkward smile. I probably have the exact same look on my face, that is until Ayeon comes up to me for a hug.

“Olivia, it’s so nice to see you again!” She lets me go and I tell her the same thing. Iris also greets me with a  chic wave and a soft smile. Ayeon begins to tell me that she made a group chat on Kakao with me in it but I have yet to view the message.

“Sorry about that, I might have missed it. I’ll check it out later.” Right after I say those words, Sammy gives me this knowing look. In all honesty though, I don’t recall seeing a notification about it or I might have turned off the notification function for it all together which is why I missed it.

“Jae, aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?” The girl with big almond shaped eyes asks. “This is Olivia Kim,” he says a tad too curtly, “Olivia… Jihyo and Jeongyeon.”

“She’s the one Iris and I was telling you two about.” Ayeon adds. I’m not sure if it’s just that I don’t like the fact that they talked about me or I’m just not happy with the way Jae introduced me. But who am I to be demanding when I’m not being entirely honest with them?

Martin cuts in between me and the two girls so he can introduce himself to them. Somehow his gesture makes them blush. 

I take a mental note on who’s Jihyo and who’s Jeongyeon as I think I’ll be seeing them often. You know, just in case I would want to hang out with them in the future.

_In the future_ … I repeat it again in my head. That’s new.

“Brian texted me saying they’re near already and we can go ahead and grab seats for us,” Ayeon announces.

And that’s what we do, we look for vacant seats that could fit us all. It takes a while because how often do you see vacant chairs and tables for at least twenty people that are all adjacent to each other in a food court? We split up so we can scout for seats. The girls go in pairs, while Sammy, Jae and Wonpil go their own separate ways. Martin sticks with me.

Some of the staff and servers recognizes me so they rush back to their positions but Martin calls one server and whispers something into his ear. Afterwards, this server goes and runs to the staff room. I start to walk around the place while Martin walks beside me. We go around to look for enough seats for the whole group. There are a lot of people around the food court but not that much for me to have a hard time navigating through the place. People hanging out by the food court are scattered and spread all over the place so every vacant seat and table I see are all very far from each other.

“So tell me, when are you planning to tell your new found friends who _you_ are?” He casually asks as he tags along. I just glance at him and pretend that I didn’t hear him.

“You even let Sammy cover for you…” he sounds agitated, “technically I know you aren’t lying, but you aren’t being completely honest either, Via.”

It’s like someone punched me in the stomach. I bite the inside of my cheek and look at him not knowing what to do. He lets out a deep sigh, “Well, I’m not innocent either for hiding that fact when I paid for your dinner last time… but that’s only because I wanted it to come from you,” he raises his hand and pats my head, “if they’re going to be your _real_ friends then they won’t change even after they find out who you are.” But what if they do, what if Jae does change? At times like this I just wish I was a normal, regular person.

Jae waves at us and finds enough seats a few feet away from the burger joint they wanted to try.

Martin acknowledges him with a wave as well. “You have to tell them eventually Via, they’re bound to find out someday. And we both know it’s better that they find it out from you.”

I stare at Jae who’s now arguing and playing around with Wonpil. He’s surrounded with good friends he could joke around with, tell stories to and hang out with, not worrying about whether they’re real to him or not. That’s only possible because his friends are already real and true to him in the first place. Except me. The voice in my head starts to speak again, telling me: _you should’ve just left him at the sunset brick road that day… pretended that he never existed in your life… you can never be a good friend to him or to anyone for that matter, you’re better off with no one by your si--_

“Olivia!” In the instant he calls my name the voice in my head disappears. He waves for me to come to the table, “What are you doing there? Come on, we found a place here.”  


The moment Brian and the rest of the group arrives it feels like the whole place turned twenty times louder than it was earlier. He greets Ayeon with a big hug that if it were me on the receiving end of it I would have had to hold my breath so as not to suffocate. But, that’s not the case for Ayeon, she seems so used to it that she’s all smiles after. Sungjin naturally goes beside Iris but they seem to be too bashful to give each other the same showy hug the previous couple has done. I’m probably the only one who’s noticing these minute details as everyone seems to be more focused on deciding what to order and who’ll do the ordering.

I decided to get whatever most of them are ordering only because I’m not really in the right state to go through each item in the menu and choose which burger I want to eat. Three of the guys, including Dowoon, get tasked by Sungjin to go order for the group, handing in the food money Jimin budgeted for the team. Ten minutes later the guys come back each with a tray overflowing of burgers, fries and drinks.

“Are you guys sure that’s all ours?” Sungjin asks full of skepticism. They simultaneously nod their heads, “Yeah, the manager said something about an opening promo they have. So, he gave us more burger sets,” Dowoon explains. I look over the kiosk of the burger shop and they don’t have any marketing posts for any opening promo, so we all find it weird that they would do that but being the hungry men that the baseball club seems to be they do not question it any further and just accept the _gift from the heavens_ as Brian has described the situation.

Everyone starts to eat their burgers and while doing so they go over how their practice went. It takes me a while to go through the cheeseburger set that I have, picking on the sesame seeds on top of the bun and the french fries on the side. Jae beside me has already finished  one and is about to eat another while I haven’t eaten half of mine yet. He checks on me from time to time, so I try to eat more. It isn’t until he has halved his second burger set that he asks me, “You don’t like it?” The way he asked me makes me feel a bit bad for not eating my share with the same kind of fervor as everyone. I shake my head at him, “No no no, it’s good!” I take a big bite of the burger to show him that I don’t dislike the food. He tries to intercept it but I’ve already bitten onto it before he could even stop my hand from shoving it into my face. He tries not to laugh as his mouth is still chewing bits of his portion, “You don’t have to force yourself to like it, we can just get you something else, we’re in a food court after all…” I might have bitten more than what I could actually chew that I struggle to respond to him. He hands me my cup of soda and waits until I could speak before asking what food I really wanted to eat. I explain to him that it’s not like that and that I don’t mind eating burgers for lunch. And that I think I just ate too much snacks during the video game session Sammy and I had.

Lies. Again. 

The real reason that’s keeping me from enjoying all of this is that I’m still caught up with thinking about what Martin has told me. With what the voice in my head has told me.

Jae finishes his burger. He seems to be done eating as he drinks his soda for a while and in between sips he starts to join in the conversation his team has been doing. I settle on the feat that I’ve eaten at least half the whole set I have. I don’t want my leftovers to end up in the trash so I take a peek on Martin, who’s seated across Jihyo, he looks like he can still eat some more. I’m about to bring my food to him when suddenly Jae pulls the red tray my burger set is placed on and starts to eat it. “What are you doing, aren’t you full yet?” I say a bit taken aback.

“Not yet… we can’t let this go to waste and I’m sure you can’t take another bite.”

“Yeah, that’s why I was about to give it to Martin so he can eat it for me.”

“Nah, you don’t have to do that. I’m here… Plus you wouldn’t want to disturb him and Jihyo over there. They seem to be enjoying each other’s company.” He points to Martin’s direction and it’s true, their cracking jokes to each other.

I sit back down and Jae flashes this satisfied look on his face before continuing gorging onto the food. I’m not sure if he’s just really hungry or he really likes burgers. How can one eat that much burgers? Maybe, that’s why he’s so tall, all the food he eats go to his height. I eat, but why am I still this short?

“You’re staring at me again, ” he says with a muffled voice as his cheeks are stuffed with food. “Is there something on my face?” I look away and pretend I wasn’t staring at him. I didn’t even know I was staring. Being in my head and talking to myself sometimes does that. Unknowingly, I stare into space or sometimes at someone then I’ll only realize it when I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s difficult to recover from it with an excuse that I wasn’t staring.

Everyone is done eating but since their conversation about the video game Sammy and I played earlier is still on-going, we all stay put. That is until a middle-aged man approaches our table. He’s wearing a black shirt with an outline of a burger printed on the center and a cap with the exact same logo embroidered on it.

He asks us in a very forward manner, “How was the meal? Did we satisfy everyone?” He keeps glancing at me and at first I find it very weird but now I want to hit myself for even thinking that this guy is really concerned about how their food satisfied the customers. This person knows who I am.

The guys answer him awkwardly that the burgers were good and that everyone ate well. Martin asks him if he’s the manager, he answers proudly that he is and that he’s glad we’re enjoying their service. What a bunch of bullcrap, the whole opening promo thing was probably just facade, it’s not like today was their grand opening. 

He offers us free dessert, but I bark at him, “That won’t be necessary.” Everyone looks at me, seemingly surprised that I can speak. But the irritated feeling I have overpowers any embarrassing feeling.

“No I insist,” he says, “we have ice creams, custards and even brownies, you can choose whatever you want.” I stand up and look at him straight in the eye, “Did you give the same treatment you’re giving us now to your other customers?” I ask. His mouth gapes open trying to find the words but he’s just speechless.

“We don’t need your free food. Just make sure you’re treating all your customers equally,” I flash a fake smile before walking away. I hear footsteps following me, “Olivia wait!” Jae yells out.

“What just happened back there?”

Yeah Olivia, what just happened back there? 

I snapped, that’s what happened. This impatient and moody character of mine really has got to be fixed. I regret doing that. Then I regret it even more when I realized that I did that in front of everyone. Ugh. Shit Olivia. You are shit.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin everyone’s chance to get free dessert.”

“That’s not important…are you okay? You’ve been acting strange since earlier.”

_Strange_. The word echoes in my head.

I am strange. But for some reason hearing it out loud feels like getting slapped in the face. “I’m okay…I think it’s better if I leave now.” I walk away as fast as I can, not thinking if he’s going to follow after me or if Martin is on his way to bring me home. I just want to get away from everyone and him as soon as possible.

“Olivia?” A soft and sweet voice calls my name, and it’s evident it’s not Jae’s.

I look to my side and I see Hyerim and another classmate of ours whose name I can’t even remember.

“It is you!” She walks up to me with that bright smile of hers. “I saw you walking earlier but I thought that maybe she just looked like you. It’s so nice seeing you here, I thought you’d be in London since it’s summer.” 

I wonder if every summer that’s what the students at school think, I go to London for the break, and come back to Korea when it’s time for the gala. Not even imagining that I just spend most of my summer inside my house cooped up doing nothing but watch movies and play video games. 

“Oh… you’re with a friend,” apparently Jae did follow me as he’s now standing behind me. He bows curtly to them and so do the two girls. “Well— we’re here to order some goods for the boys’ practice game this Friday… ”

“Practice game?”

“Yes. They have one last practice game with the other team representing this district before the first round of Nationals.” 

Other team in this district? Isn’t that Jae’s team? I look at Jae and he gives me this expression like I caught him doing something bad.

“You should come watch Olivia, if the student body president of St. Mary’s come that will definitely boost up the morale of the team.” I know she’s suggesting this with the most purest intention but I can’t help but cringe at the idea that my presence helps bring out the confidence of St. Joseph’s baseball team.

“I’ll let you know Hyerim, thank you.”

“Sure! We better go and finish up our errands…” she was about to turn and leave but she abruptly stops and look back at me, “oh wait, I almost forgot, tell your mom thank you so much for the visors she gifted for the cheering team,” I tilt my head at her wondering what she’s talking about, “we needed these special visors but when I called the boutique last week they said they didn’t have stocks of it. I told my mom about it and she called your mom and she sent us boxes of those visors.”

_Of course_ she would. She wouldn’t be my mother if she didn’t do that.

“Oh… is that so… she may have forgotten to tell me about it with her being in London and all… I’ll make sure to tell her you said thanks.” I may have said those words in the most empty and lifeless voice ever. Hyerim nevertheless gives me that sweet smile of hers again and bids me a goodbye.

“Special visors?” Jae asks. For a moment I forgot he was standing behind me. “You have a practice game this Friday?” I ask back.

“I was going to tell you about it later but you suddenly left like that and that girl beat me to it…”

“You _don’t_ need to tell me anything,” I unintentionally snarl back at him.

“Well, I _wanted_ to tell you,” he answers back with the same exact surly attitude I did. I bite the inside of my cheek and resist the urge to pick a fight. Martin finally decides to follow after me as I see him jogging towards us.

“Let’s go home Martin,” I say firmly as I possibly could.

He looks confused at first but soon realizes that I’m dead serious in leaving. “Alrighty then,” he says as he gives Jae’s shoulder a pat, “thank you for inviting us for lunch, you better go back there or else you won’t get any of the dessert.”

I turn and start walking away, no longer having the mental fortitude to continue any of this. Martin catches up and I resist the urge to look back at Jae, if he’s still there.

“I like that you’re now expressing whatever you’re thinking in that head of yours… this is progress… but you do know that there’s a time and place where you don’t go ballistic—”

“Not now Martin.”

“Boo-hoo! You can walk off from everyone there and be a brat all you want but you have to listen to me.”

But I snap back at him, “This is why I never liked going to this mall!” 

“What is it about this place you don’t like?” He exasperatingly asks, “The fact that your parents own this place? Look, you can’t change that. You’ll always be a _Kim_ , Olivia, no matter how hard you try to erase that fact in your head, reality is you’ll always be one.”

“That reality sucks! My whole existence is one whole shit-fest!”

Martin scoffs. “That’s only because you make it one! People are trying to reach out to you Via, but you keep on pushing them away every time they try to get close to you and if you continue doing that, you’ll end up alone!”

I know that I don’t have friends. I know I don’t have a social life. But you don’t have to shove it down my throat. I get it. I really do. Saying it out loud and in front of other people doesn’t help at all. The sales clerks are all peeking out from their boutiques, and the mall-goers all look at me, watching how the infamous Olivia Kim is breaking down in public. It’s like I can hear their thoughts in my head. _She’s crazy. Is she really the Olivia from the Kim family? She isn’t that special. She probably just needs to get free things again that’s why she’s here… She’s insane, why is she doing that in public?_

Tears threaten to fall so I clutch my arms together, hugging myself and continue on walking. Avoiding the stares of people. We reach the parking lot and I walk faster once my eyes go blurry. But Martin grabs my arm to stop me and just like that I sob in front of him.

“I just want to go home Martin…Please bring me home…” he sighs and lets go of me. I walk to the car, sniffling and wiping away my tears. I hop inside, wear my seatbelt and lean my head back, staring at the car ceiling letting the tears flow out of my eyes. 

Martin doesn’t ride the car. He’s just standing there with his back by the door to the driver’s seat. So I cry and cry until tears no longer want to come out. I count to ten, breathing in and out, after every number. 

Eight… _Inhale, exhale._

Nine… _Inhale, exhale._

Ten… _Inhale, exhale._  

I’m relatively calmer now. So I stretch and knock on the window on the side where Martin’s standing. He comes in, starts the car and looks at the rearview mirror before driving. 

He doesn’t speak, and I don’t either.

I go straight to my room, passing by Auntie who’s standing at the end of the staircase without a greeting. And just as how everything came crashing down earlier, the voice in my head multiplies, it’s no longer alone. They’re all criticizing me and calling me names.

_Brat! You’ll really end up alone!_ One of the voices scream at me. _Well, with how you are as a person, you deserve to be alone,_ another one says. _They hate you now that’s for sure. You ruined everything. You piece of shit. Shit!_ A third voice condescends.

I cover my ears, attempting to shut off the voices in my head. I try to count to ten again, but for some reason they just get louder. I can’t hear myself count. My lungs feel like it’s being filled with water and breathing in makes it even heavier. I gasp and pound on my chest, thinking that doing so would help my lungs function. The air inside my room feels thinner and thinner as I heave in breaths. I run to the window across the room and blast it open. Warm wind hits my face and I try to breathe it all in. It’s weird because I know I’m breathing but I still feel like I’m suffocating. When people say mind over matter, that’s all a lie especially when your mind is fucked-up.

I dash out of my room, run down the stairs and stumble down the driveway. _Lungs, function. Please._ I repeat in my head. Then, I begin to run. Run and run and run, not knowing where I’m going or where I’m headed to. I just want to feel my lungs. _Lungs, function. Please._ I repeat again and again.

Then, everything turns pitch black.


	17. White and Taupe

— **Olivia** —

My forehead feels cold. _Am I dead?_

If I’m dead then does the after life always smelled like dirt and grass? Hmm, now that you think of it dead people get buried underneath the ground so maybe that’s why it smells like that. But, was it always warm and itchy on the back? I move my arm to reach my back— _eh?_ I can move my arm? Why is my forehead so cold?

I feel some kind of droplet fall down my temple. Slowly, I open my eyes and strobes of light blind me. _I’m really dead._

“Olivia?” Someone calls me.

_God?_

A few blinks and my eyes adjust to the light.

_Leaves?_

It takes me a few seconds to realize that I’m under a tree. I turn my head to the side and something falls off my head, I reach for it but a hand suddenly appears on top of it. I turn my head onto the other side to check whose limb it belongs to.

_Chan?_

“Hi,” he greets.

I try to prop myself up, “Careful there, I’m not really sure if you should be moving around already…”

“What happened?” My voices croaks.

He hands me a folded towel, “You should put that on your forehead or your neck for a while…” the towel is wet and cold.

“Baseball practice ended early today but I decided to go for a run around the village before calling it a day. Then I saw you running as well, you ran for a good fifteen minutes, I think. Then you suddenly fainted and fell to the ground…” He pauses and hands me a water bottle, “You gave me quite a shock there, I figured you may have gotten a heat stroke and was about to call an ambulance, but I also figured that you probably wouldn’t want to wake up in a hospital bed. Then, I decided to call your house but I realized I didn’t have any number of the people in your home, you also didn’t have your phone with you. I was also wondering why your bodyguard isn’t with you. So, in the end I had to administer first-aid myself.” He laughs out nervously, not sure whether to find the situation funny or serious.

I take the bottle from his hand, “How long was I out?” The bottle is cold and moist that there’s a sudden jolt in my senses when it touched my skin.

“About thirty minutes, I think? Another thirty minutes and I really would have had to call the ambulance.”

“Ohh… thank you for not calling 119.” It may have been the cold water rattling me but everything that happened earlier comes rushing back.  There’s a part of me wishing that I stayed asleep for the rest of my life just so I don’t have to relive everything in my head.

“You should really have water with you when you go running, especially with this heat.” Chan suddenly lectures me about staying hydrated and how important it is to pace yourself when running. I want to tell him that I wasn’t running for the sake of exercise and that he should stop with the water oration he’s been doing for the past five minutes. But, I just keep it to myself.

“Thank you, Chan.” I say, giving him back his water bottle and towel.

He looks at me and then at the items on my hand. “No problem,” he takes the things and then stands up from the roots of the tree he was comfortably sitting on. I follow suit, “Wait… here, let me help you,” he extends a hand and I reach for it. He pulls me up and the sudden movement makes me light-headed so I stumble a bit, “Are you sure you can walk now?” I nod at him but he seems to disbelieve me with how his face is looking at me with a mixture of worry and judgement.

“I’ll walk you home…” he offers. Normally I would decline but my head still feels so heavy I’m afraid a few minutes into walking and I might faint again. “Thanks.” It’s only now that I realize where we are. We’re at the village’s playground. I ran all the way here?  

“So… you’re not in London this summer?” He asks out of nowhere.

Does everyone really think I fly to London every summer? The thought of it somehow amuses and irks me at the same time. It’s funny because I spend most of my vacation inside my house that people assume I’m not in the country but at the same time it’s disgustingly annoying how people talk about you as if everything they think they know is true.

“What makes you think I go to London during the summer?” I ask trying my best not to sound even a little bit annoyed.

He casually wrings dry the towel I handed back to him, “Hmm… I don’t know… no one sees you anywhere, especially here in Korea, and your mansion always seem to be empty. So, people assume you go home to London for vacation.”

“And you think that way too?”

He shrugs his shoulders, “It doesn’t affect me in any way so I believe it doesn’t matter what I think.”

“Hmm… that might just be a nice way of saying, _I don’t really care about you to actually have an opinion on that._ ”

“Oh! Com’on! That’s not what I meant!” I laugh at his reaction and he eventually chuckles too. The walk from the playground to my house, and now that I’m thinking about it, that includes Chan’s house as well, is about a twenty minute walk. But with the pace we’re going right now it may as well take us thirty minutes.

“You know it just hit me…” I intentionally trail off what I was about to say, leaving him just a bit intrigued and on his toes.

He finally asks, “What?”

“Did you offer to walk me home because your house is just across mine?” His reaction is the same as earlier, shock and absurdity plastered all over his face. I end up laughing twice as hard as I did moments ago that I go wobbly because I feel like I’m getting dizzy again. He lightly leans his shoulders onto mine providing some kind of physical support. “Oh gosh, you seem like a drunk person right now.”

Still laughing, I ask playfully, “Do I?”

“Yeah, quite different from how you were when he had that meeting…” I don’t say anything about that comment because it’s true. The only reason that I’m not acting that way right now is because no one is here except the two of us. And technically, Chan is pretty much a harmless guy when you take him off that setting where people ogle over him or look up to him.

I try to change the subject by asking him about the practice game they have this Friday. “Hyerim told me about it.”

“Our coach coordinated with the other team’s coach… That’s basically how we wound up having a game this Friday. Very anticlimactic huh?”

I really didn’t think that at all but I just go along with him. “Actually, the whole thing, the whole being part of nationals, is still a shock to the team. We were surprised that we still get to compete and represent the district even though we came in second place.”

This reminds me of that day again with Jae. So, they didn’t have anything to do with the sudden change of rules by the baseball commission. I suddenly feel a bit guilty for actually thinking that they actually did the thing Jae thought they did. Even if I didn’t intend it, I happened to do what I hate people doing: believing their presumptions to be the truth. I hate it when people assume things of me but right now I hate myself more for unknowingly doing that to Chan. I feel apologetic but I can’t bring myself to apologize to him. _Hypocrite_.

“Anyway, that’s no longer important. What matters now is how we go forth and compete.” He hypes himself up by clenching his fists and pounds to the air.

I wonder if Jae and his teammates loathe Chan’s team. They don’t seem to be those type of people but with how Jae got worked up that day and how he said they’re their rivals, I’m not so sure. Apparently Chan is still talking while I was doing a monologue inside my head, so now that I’m listening to him talk, I only catch bits of it that I can’t really comprehend what he’s trying to say. I nod at him and pretend that I’m agreeing with whatever he’s saying.

“You didn’t hear a word that I just said did you?” He noticed it. Darn it. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, it’s not important. ” I feel bad now.

We’re a few blocks away from my home, I can see our front yard from here. I tell Chan that he can leave me already, he doesn’t need to walk me right up to the front. Technically speaking, Chan’s house is located just across the street from ours, but in reality it’s actually quite a walk if you look at it. He’ll have to walk at least three blocks and an acre of a yard to bring me up to our front door and then back again just to go home. He insists on taking me up there though, explaining  that he wasn’t able to finish his laps because he had to help me, “So, sprinting from your front door to mine would be enough to make up for the laps I had to skip.”

On our way there a black sedan suddenly screeches to a halt just across the sidewalk we are walking on. It looks exactly as my car. And as soon as I realize that it is actually my car, Martin comes out and runs swiftly towards me. “Olivia!” He shouts, startling both Chan and I.

“Where the hell have you been! I’ve been worried sick! I was about to call the police already to do a search. It’s a good thing the village guards informed me that they didn’t see you go out the gates so I went driving around to look for you but I couldn’t even call you because you left your cell phone at home. And even your panic button! You freaking left your panic button on your room! So I couldn’t even locate where you are! How the hell was I supposed to find you!”

This is the first time I have seen Martin this panicked and distraught since that day at the hospital. “You have no idea how scared I was when I couldn’t find you at the house. Then, when I checked the CCTV cameras I saw you running out on the front yard! My heart dropped!” He doesn’t even notice that Chan is with me until I mention it to him, just to stop him from describing how I was before ending up fainting in the middle of the street.

“Hi, sir. I saw Olivia running and she suddenly fainted—”

“You fainted?!” He panics again and puts his hand over my forehead to check my temperature. “Are you okay?” Then, he places two of his fingers on my neck to check my pulse and looks at his wristwatch. “Okay, everything seems to be normal. No breaks or anything?” I want to stop him from overreacting right now but I feel like I already put him to so much stress that if I resist now he’ll faint himself, so I just nod at him compliantly.

“Maybe we should have you checked out at a hospital just to make sure.” The idea of going there makes me retract.

“Martin.” I look at him straight in the eyes, and as if he read my mind, he knows exactly that I need him to calm down already and that hospitals are off-limits.

He moves his attention to Chan, “Thank you for helping her Bang Chan. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you didn’t see her.” Chan accepts the gratitude with so much humbleness you’d think that he actually saved someone very important. Unfortunately, it’s just me he saved.

We walk towards the car. “Let me give you a ride Chan.” Martin offers. But he explains to him about the missing laps in his training so he declines. Martin doesn’t question him and just goes with the flow. He opens the car door for me, but before I hop inside, I thank Chan one more time for helping me.

“You’re welcome. Remember to stay hydrated when you go running… ” I’m not sure if he said the last bit as a joke or he’s actually serious but I just give him a small empty laugh. As I was about to ride the car, Chan calls me again. “Oh, Olivia, about the practice game this Friday… if you have time, maybe you’d want to come…”

The thought of going there and seeing everyone I just spazzed in front of this afternoon is making me anxious. “I’ll see if I can go.”

Chan proceeds to stretch for a few seconds and waves a goodbye before running towards the other direction.

Inside the car, Martin doesn’t talk for a while but when he does he begins to lecture me. I just breathe in the litany he seems to be reciting to me. However, the moment he mentions going to the hospital again, I get a little worked up.

“ _No_. No hospitals.”

“Or we can just get a doctor to come to the house… ”

“When I say _no hospitals_ , that actually means no doctors.” I sass back.

“I thought that leaving you alone was actually helping you so I did just that, but with what’s happening today I really think it’s best if we—”

“Martin, I’m fine!” I cut him off. Raising my voice in the process.

He sighs.

“I’m sorry for shouting. I just don’t want to go to a doctor. They’ll just give me those horrible pills even if it doesn’t really help.”

“Maybe if we get Dr. Brown to come down here, you’d feel more comfortable. You know she calls me from time to time asking how you are.”

Dr. Peyton Brown was the doctor that looked after me after the incident at the hospital. My therapy sessions with her was actually what encouraged me to come back to Korea and re-evaluate my whole life. Even with that fact, I don’t want her to fly all the way here just so she can check up on me. She’s harsh and candid. Having a heart-to-heart talk with her again is something I’m not really up for at the moment. Although, she’s far from being the best psychiatrist out there, she’s the only one I can actually tolerate, especially with my experience with the doctors we went to here in Korea. All those I met are either too self-preserving or too complying to give good and valuable advice. They all just prescribe antidepressants to see if it’ll help me overcome this _struggle_ I’m dealing with.

“I told you,” I sigh at him, getting tired of having to repeat myself countless of times, “there’s no need for that. I’m okay now.” Once we reach the driveway towards the front door, he stops talking about the idea of flying Dr. Brown to Korea. But when we come out of the car, he suggests that I call her instead and talk to her.

“Can you at least do that? For me?” The pleading voice he has makes me feel bad. Martin doesn’t deserve any of this stress. “Alright…” He sighs of relief. “Just not today.” I wanted to make it clear that I’ll call her when I’m less unstable.

Auntie greets me with a warm hug and a slap on the arm for almost giving her a heart attack. She spares me her version of litany oration, noting that Martin must’ve already given me enough. I head to my room and immediately I lay on my bed. My stuff messily placed on the other side. I reach my for my phone and check my notifications.

Twenty missed calls from Martin. I’m surprised it didn’t reach fifty.

I check my messages, I have one from Sammy. Two from the group chat Iris and Ayeon made. None from Jae.

I open the one from Sammy.

 

2:35 PM

**Are you okay? What just happened? Call me once you read my message please.**

 

I open the group chat.

 

Iris 3:00 PM

**Olivia, are you okay? We’re all worried. You just left without a word.**

 

Ayeon 3:00 PM

 **yeah, jae went after you but when he came back he didn’t tell us anything.**  


“You really messed up Olivia.” I’m talking to the ceiling again.

Suddenly my phone starts to vibrate. I look at it and it’s Suzy.

I take a deep breath before answering the phone.

“Hi Via!” Her soft and husky voice pierces through the phone’s speakers.

“Hi Suzy… ” I answer her weakly.

“Sammy told me what happened. And I thought that maybe you needed someone to talk to... ” I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone but her calling me actually makes me feel better. I don’t answer her though. So for a few seconds there’s just silence between us.

“That’s okay, you don’t have to tell me anything now. I’ll do the talking then…You know the hotel we’re staying at here at the Bahamas, it’s owned by this young European guy named Fabien… ” she proceeds to tell me stories of her sweet and funny encounters she experienced. All I reply to her are mixtures of _Uh-huh, that’s cool, really? That’s interesting,_ she doesn’t ask if I’m really listening to her attentively or I’m just saying those things just to amuse her. During the first half of her story I was actually really interested but by the time she’s talking about the third guy she met, she lost me.

“So, are you ready to tell me your side of the story?” She suddenly asked out of nowhere cutting off whatever she was narrating. It catches me off guard and I wasn’t paying attention to the last thing she just said about that Taiwanese guy that was hitting on her to actually talk about it.

“You knew I wasn’t listening anymore so you went and segued to this topic.” She laughs at me. “You know you can’t fool me Via.”

I end up telling her what happened today, minus the panic attack and the running into Chan in the process of it.

“That doesn’t seem so bad. They’ll probably think that you value justice and equality that’s why you got worked up with a bunch of free burgers.” She reassures me. Her words make me laugh, the way she described how I was earlier makes me picture myself as this rose-colored glasses wearing rich kid that seeks a utopian type of society. Sadly, that’s far from how I really am.

“If you’re really worried about them, especially _him_ , then why don’t you just send them a message and apologize for how you acted… You need to learn about accountability, Via.” It’s at times like this that I think Suzy is really mature for her age. She may seem playful and childish at times but out of the three of us she’s the most calm and sophisticated one.

“I have to go now, our boat just arrived on the island. I’ll be back in Korea this Saturday. So I’ll see you then. Love you lots Via… and remember, everything’s going to be okay.” She waits for me to respond even if it’s just a soft and short _yeah_ “Love you lots,” she repeats before hanging up.

 _Love you lots… everything’s going to be okay…_ I repeat those words in my head, thinking how she can confidently say the words _love you_ _lots_ to someone and comfort them with firm words of reassurance. Well, even as a kid she always had the knack to build up my confidence plus she’s never been one to shy away from showing affection. Too much affection I might add. The reason why only those close to me calls me Via, is because she didn’t like other kids calling me that. I remember how she would tell them that she’s the only one allowed to call me Via because I’m her’s and Sammy’s, like I'm some kind of toy only they can play with. Now that I look back on it, she was one possessive kid.

I stare at my phone thinking of who to contact first. I hover at Jae’s name. But in the end I message Sammy.

 

Just sent:

**Sorry about earlier. Had to leave early, just because… you know… anyway, hope everyone still got their desserts. :)**

 

Then I send a message on the group chat next. It actually takes me fifteen minutes to find the words I want to say.

 

Just sent:

**Hi girls. I’m sorry for how I acted earlier and I’m also sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. That was very rude of me. Also, don’t worry about me. I’m good. :)**

 

I hover over Jae’s name again. _What do I say?_ I try to compose a message in my head but I keep remembering how I snapped at him when he was just being nice and accommodating to me. So, ultimately, I give up messaging him and just turn off my phone.

My head still feels heavy, and the heaviness is more prominent now that I am laying down doing nothing. A few minutes staring into the ceiling, I doze off.  
  


The next day, I wake up to Martin’s nagging and blanket pulling attempts. I hold on to my blanket using whatever strength I have being the half-asleep human I am right now.

“I can’t be—lieve—you actual—ly slept thr—ough the whole mor—ning!” He grunts in between words as he tries to pull away the blanket I have now wrapped all over me. “It’s already 1 PM Via!”

One of the symptoms I have when I’m in my bad state is that I still feel so tired and sleepy despite having enough hours of sleep. I just want to stay in bed the whole day. “You need to at least eat something, you didn’t even touch the breakfast Auntie brought here for you.”

Auntie tried to wake me up several times for breakfast this morning but her attempts were futile as I just fell back to sleep the moment I opened my eyes. Unlike Auntie, Martin is persistent. I try to sit up on my bed to show him that I’m doing my best in trying to get myself out of my bed.

“Nice bed hair.” I focus on the standing figure at my bedroom door. It takes a while for me to see who it is but the voice is too familiar to not know that it’s Sammy.

“I called back-up. Lucky for you I’m busy dealing with people at HQ, if it weren’t for them I would’ve carried you out and force fed you already.” Martin scowls at me. I just nod at him, squinting as I do because my eyes aren’t functioning as eyes right now, they’re nothing but two droopy eyelid covered eyeballs.

Martin leaves us, complaining about things I didn't quite catch on his way out.

I rub my eyes, removing any rheum that is possibly on them. Sammy places the tray Auntie brought by the edge of my feet, “Eat.” It takes a few minutes of staring into the air and a couple of yawning before I actually feel my stomach craving for any sustenance. Today’s menu is omelette, stir-fried rice, and spam. I drink some water before taking a bite of the processed meat.

“I saw your text…” he begins. I cover my head with my blanket, not looking at him and just focusing on my now very cold food.

He reaches for something behind me, “No wonder we couldn’t reach you. Your phone is turned off.” He says as he’s tapping on the screen of my phone that was placed near one of my pillows. He lightly tosses it beside me and then comfortably lays himself onto the bed.

“Suzy told me everything.” It doesn’t surprise me though. Whatever I say to Suzy it eventually travels to Sammy’s knowledge.

“You know I only helped cover your true _identity_ , because I know you wouldn’t be comfortable with them knowing that your family owns pretty much everything.” The way Sammy oversimplifies the reason why I don’t want them to know I’m from that Kim family, makes me glare at him with intent to hurl something on his face.

“What? Am I wrong?”

“Don’t make me throw this at you.” I threaten him with a piece of spam pierced onto a chopstick.

“Okay, maybe I said that too harshly… but you do know that you can’t hide it forever, they’re bound to find out about it sooner or later… they might even know already.”

I glare at him again. “Don’t look at me like that, my lips are sealed. I mean they could do a simple Naver search on you and your whole family would pop out.”

The food in my mouth suddenly turns tasteless. So, I put down my chopsticks, chew up the remaining food in my mouth and lay beside Sammy.

“How can you be so sure they won’t treat me differently?” I ask.

He hums to himself before answering my question, “Well, they didn’t treat me any differently when they found out I’m loaded.”

I chuckle not at what he’s trying to say but the fact that he used the word ‘loaded’ is funny to me. “You’re not loaded, your parents are.”

“That is true… you’re the same though…” he retorts.

“That is also true.”

We both laugh at ourselves. “Can I ask one thing?” His voice sounding a bit serious. “Sure.” As hesitant as I am, I’m curious on what he wants to ask.

He hums to himself again before asking the question, “I’m just wondering, what makes you want to be their friend? Don’t get me wrong, it's a good thing… I’m just thinking, what made you want to…” he pauses, searching for the right word to say. “To live like a normal person?” I blurt out, completing his sentence.

I’m not sure myself either. I turn my head to the side and I see the book on top of the bedside table. Its ending still unread. Maybe deep down inside I don’t want my _‘and yet’_ to be me ending up dead because I took my own life. I want to live… I want to be alive.

I don’t say that to Sammy though.

“Just because…” I answer him.

He repeats it and pauses, “What kind of answer is that!”

 

As I try to finish the food served to me, Sammy receives a call from his father telling him to go to this restaurant and have dinner with the daughter of a CEO that’s investing in the hedge fund.

“Are you going to be okay?” I ask.

Sammy explains that what’s going to happen isn’t a marriage arrangement setup but it’s more of the need to satisfy his father’s wishes.

“What’s the difference?”

He diverts my question by hitting me with commands one after the other. “Turn on your phone. Check your messages. Eat dinner. Got it?”

I put my hand up to my eye and salute to him, “Yes, Sir!”

“Ha-ha-ha.”

I give him a mocking smile to which he just waves goodbye. “See you tomorrow, Via.”

_Tomorrow…_

Tomorrow’s the practice game.

I glance at my dead phone that’s lying comfortably on my bed, it seems to be mocking me, as I hesitate to turn it on. In the process of debating whether I put power on my phone or not, my chopsticks move faster than my chewing. My mouth is stuffed. _Olivia, it’s just your phone._ I think to myself.

I slam my chopsticks onto the tray and grab my phone. I turn it on and the sunset wallpaper I have set appears on screen. Wordscapes and message notifications pop out sending my phone into a quivering frenzy. I scroll over them.

I have several messages from Ayeon and Iris, a few from Sammy, countless from Suzy but... none from Jae.


	18. Green Field and Red Curry

**—Olivia—**

There are several things I want to say to my brain every time it over thinks something. One of the most frequent is _shut up brain_. Another would be, _your opinion doesn’t really matter right now_. And lately, _just let me feel for today_. Right now, I’m screaming the first phrase to my brain.

“Are you ready?” Martin asks me.

I let out a huff, “I’m never ready.”

“That’s the spirit.” He says with full sarcasm in his voice. “Let’s go, Sammy’s waiting for us.” We’re going to pick him up before heading to St. Joseph’s. He says that it’s economical to do so since we’re from the same area going to the same destination. According to Ayeon, the coaches flipped a coin to decide which campus the game would be held, and the result was this arrangement. I don’t really prefer any place. Regardless of where it’ll be held, I’ll probably be restless either way— St. Joseph’s and St. Mary’s students will definitely be there. It’s a combination that I don’t really want to deal with on any occasion. The only reason I’m going to watch the game today is because Sammy forced me to come. He said it’s the perfect opportunity for me to see everyone— to apologize and bury the hatchet. As for telling everyone who my real identity is, we agreed that we can do that on a different time.

A lot of bad scenarios that can happen later is playing into my mind. _Shut up brain._ I haven’t even talked to Jae ever since my overstrung episode. This day probably won't end well. 

We reach the campus. It’s either everyone is already at the baseball field, or there aren’t that many students watching. The campus is empty. Martin remembers the way to the field so Sammy and I follow him. “Iris texted me saying they already found seats,” Sammy announces. The closer we get to the field the more nervous I get. I’m not even sure if I’m nervous to face them or nervous because people that I usually avoid will all be gathered in one venue.

“Via, chill. You and the girls already messaged each other right? They’re cool about it so you have to be cool too.” I’m being too jumpy that Sammy has to remind me every five minutes that everything’s alright. Last night, Ayeon, Iris and I talked to each other via chat. They explained that they didn’t think much of my overstrung scene, that they’ve seen worse and that they just got worried I left without saying a word. But I have my doubts that they’re just saying that to be polite or that Sammy made them say that so that I wouldn't worry about it anymore.

 _Bury the hatchet._ I repeat in my head. That’s why I’m here, to formally apologize and get over the past.

As we get even closer to the field, the noise of people talking over each other’s voices gets louder. We enter the gate and walk towards the bleachers. As we walk I hear a few gasps from the girls from my school. Here goes another special episode of ‘Keeping Up with the Olivia Kim.’ Sammy stops at the bottom of the bleachers, trying to look for Iris and Ayeon. He waves at someone from atop, “There they are.” I follow the direction he’s waving at and I see Ayeon in pigtails and Iris wearing the same baseball cap she was wearing the first time I met her. Sammy heads up and as I was about to follow him, someone calls my name. I look to my side and Hyerim comes running towards me from one of the bleachers on the other side of the area. “I’m so glad you could make it…” she says with that usual cheery voice she has.

“Yeah…” I wave at Martin, who’s awkwardly waiting for me to climb up the bleachers, to go on up already.

Hyerim hands me what seem to be the cheering goods for the St. Joseph team plus the "special" visor she was talking about before. “Here, we have a banner for the team as well as fan pickets, you know to battle this heat…”

“Okay, thank you…” I say.

She looks at me like she's waiting for something so I just stare at her back. “I better get—” she cuts me off. “Why don’t you seat with us there?” She points to the area where she came from earlier.

“Uhh… I’m here with Sammy, so…” I point to where Sammy is seated.

“Oh…”

The look on her face turns dark. It actually surprises me as this is the first time I see her make that face.

“But, that’s where the opponents’ students sit. St. Mary’s and St. Joseph’s students sit there.” She points again to the other side. Now that I look at it, there’s a clear division between the students. The students on the left area are all wearing those visors and holding the banners and pickets. While the area I’m standing in now either have those portable fans, their phones or have nothing at all.

I’m not really comfortable with whoever Hyerim is with right now to actually want to sit with her through the whole game. Plus, I have unfinished business I have to deal with. I was about to tell her that I need to sit with Sammy, but suddenly someone from the field shouts my name. I don’t recognize the voice but instinctively I look over, then I see both Chan and Jae waving at me. Then they both look at each other. Did they both call me?

“You know the pitcher from the other team?” Hyerim asks, her bright voice now gone. “Yeah…” I trail off, confused at the situation. It’s unexpected that she doesn’t recognize Jae from the other day. Maybe because he’s wearing those round thin rim glasses he has today. It takes me awhile to realize everyone is now watching me. I don’t wave back or anything because I just want to hide myself now.

“Via!” Jae calls for me again. My mouth slightly gapes open. Did he just call me _Via_?

He jogs towards where I’m standing. My heart pounding every step he takes, blocking the evident murmuring of the students. He just called me Via in front of everyone. Does he even know what that entails? He stops just as where the green grassy field ends and the gray cement boundary for the bleachers begins. 

“I’ll catch up to you there Hyerim. I just need to talk to him.” I tell her, ignoring the fact that she looks even more pissed than she was earlier, that is if she really was pissed.

I walk closer to him. He’s looking up at me just so slightly that I feel like I’m taller than him. “Hi, Via.” He said it again. The unabashed look on his face after calling me that way is actually giving me goosebumps. “We both know we owe each other an apology and right now isn’t the time for that but I just really need to hear you say hello back.” 

He _is_ unbelievable. We haven't spoken to each other since my episode at the outlet mall and the first thing he wants to hear from me is a greeting. 

“Hi Jae.” I say.

And there goes his smiling face. “Hello Via...” His eyes crinkled close and his cheeks raising his glasses up just a bit. I try to control my face to make it look deadpan but inside I'm smiling just as wide as he is doing right now. “I don’t know about my teammates but my morale has just skyrocketed off the roof.”

This actually makes me chuckle a bit, though I’m not sure if he’s being serious or he’s just making a joke about what Hyerim said the other day. Sungjin calls Jae since it seems like the game is about to begin. “I’m hoping you’ll cheer for me,” he says as he dusts off his baseball glove on his thigh before running back to his team. Brian gives Jae a fist bump before waving at me again. And without thinking I give a small wave back. Everything seemed to have turned silent the moment we were facing each other until I turn around. A mixture of gazes and looks follow me as I walk up to where Sammy and the others are seated. They’re all giving me this knowing look. “What?” I ask. 

Martin answers, “Nothing. It’s just the view is really good up here.”

“If Suzy heard him, she’ll probably throw a fit right now.” Sammy adds, making Martin, even Iris and Ayeon, laugh.

“Hi girls.” I greet them sheepishly.

“Hi…” Ayeon says back but her attention is grabbed by the cheering goods I have forgotten I have in my hands.

“What are those?” She asks.

“It’s something our school prepared to cheer for the team.”

She snorts, “What are they some kind of idol group?”

It’s kind of funny if you ask me. But I feel like if I laugh out loud I’m making fun of Hyerim and her hard work. That reminds me, I told her that I’ll catch up to her but I end up sitting here anyway. So, I look over to their side and that’s when I see that everyone is still either glancing, staring or pointing at me. I forgot that right now I’m airing a special episode of ‘Keeping Up with the Olivia Kim.’

 _Bury the hatchet._ I remind myself.

Okay, I think it’s better if I do that right off the bat.

“Hey… I just want to apologize for how I acted the other day.” I tell them straightforwardly.

“You’re still worried about that?” Ayeon asks nonchalantly.

“We already told you, we’re not mad or anything, we just got worried right after you left,” Iris adds.

I stare at them, “You’re not just saying that to be polite right?” Ayeon bursts out laughing, “I’m happy that you think we’re so well-mannered and poised to pretend to be polite to someone.” Maybe I really was just overthinking everything. Hearing her say those words lifted something off my chest. Sammy then moves close to whisper something to me, “I told you they’re cool about it.” I just give him a nudge with my shoulder.

 

Two hours have passed and I still don’t understand the mechanics of the game nor do I know who’s winning. Sammy gave up on explaining to me how baseball works but he says it’s still too early to say who’s winning.

“Are baseball games usually this long?” I ask.

“Yeah.” The four of them answer so straightforwardly in unison, I actually feel attacked. “Okay,” I say weakly.

There are food and drinks going around the other area. I can see how Hyerim really worked hard to set all of this up. She looks over at me and waves me to come over. Hesitantly, I go down the bleachers and walk to where she is instructing some workers to distribute the refreshments to the students. She hands me a bottle of cold sparkling water and a plastic container filled with what seems to be roasted chicken and mixed vegetables. “I know you’re seated at _that_ area, but you’re still a student of St. Mary’s. So, here.”

“ _That_ area?” I imitate the way she said the word 'that', as if the other side is some kind of other earthly world.

The girl beside her suddenly bellows, “Yes, _that_ area. I can’t believe you’re seating with them Olivia. They’re a bunch of plebs…”

“Woori!” Hyerim stops her from going any further, but she doesn’t deny it either.

 _Plebs_. The word leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Just because they don’t own a company or a corporation doesn’t mean they’re any less of a person for them to be called plebs. I want to talk back but I resist myself, as I think I won’t be able to control what comes out of my mouth if I don’t.

“Thank you for this Hyerim, you really worked hard to prepare all of this. I’ll share these with _my friends_.” I say the last part with full offense to the both of them. The look on their faces meant that they did get offended. Mission accomplished. _Heh_.

I walk back to my seat, knowing very well that I lost my patience again. It actually could’ve gone a lot worse in my opinion, so I shrug it off.

“What did you do?” Martin asks as soon as I got back.

“What do you mean?” I ask innocently.

“Your face says that you did something.”

I laugh nervously, “I didn’t do anything.”

Sammy saves me from the prying eyes of Martin, “What do you have there?” I give him the plastic container. He opens it up and exclaims, “Wow! Just how much budget does your school give for these events?”

“Too much if you ask me.” I reply.

Ayeon grabs the sun visor from my side,  “ _Too much_ is an understatement. This visor is from Ralph Lauren!” She cries out as she waves it violently.

“That’s courtesy of my mom.” I say, making Sammy choke on the chicken he’s already devouring.

“Your mom donated this?” Iris takes a hold of the visor as well.

“Yep.” I say trying to sound nonchalant as I can.

They both nod, while Sammy is still coughing and pounding his chest. Martin helps him out by slapping his back. He takes the sparkling water from my hand and give it to him to wash down the chicken. Martin points at the bottle, “Her mother owns this too.” Sammy splashes out the water that he just put in his mouth, making the students in front of us complain in disgust.

Iris asks, “Your mother owns Perrier?” I wince at her. “Yes and no…” pausing, “...it’s complicated.”

“So you’re just blatantly going to tell them right now?” Sammy interjects.

“Tell us what?” They both ask.

 _Bury the hatchet… open the box_ … I think I just made my own quote right there. But because of what Hyerim and Woori just said I feel like the longer I hide the truth from them the more it feels like I'm on the same boat as the aristocratic elitists the school I'm going to has. 

“Tell you both that I’m the daughter of the owners of SKZ Corporation.” They both start to laugh. “You’re saying, your parents own SKZ?” Iris asks while Ayeon continues to chuckle. I nod at her. They stop laughing when I don’t react the same way as them. “You’re serious?” Ayeon stammers.

I nod again.

They both exclaim, “Oh.”

“Sorry we laughed,” Iris apologizes.

“Sorry Olivia…” I get nervous at the sudden somberness, “… Brian’s up.” She says as she points to the field. And as soon as she does she stands up and screams, “GO BRIAN!” Her voice travels loud and clear to the field as Brian raises his right hand and gestures a finger heart before positioning himself to hit the ball. That’s probably their thing. They did that the last time I saw them. Suddenly, Jihyo and Jeongyeon arrives from the place they call the dugout. They both wave a hello, but head straight to the bleacher just right above us soon after doing so.

“How’s everyone down there?” Iris asks them.

“This is just a practice game but everyone’s on edge there, including us… we had to leave it to Jimin to be the calm energy,” Jihyo explains.

As soon as Brian hits the ball and goes running, Ayeon cheers and claps for him. She sits back down and then turns to me, “So, Olivia, where were we?”

“SKZ…” Iris answers her.

“Oh right, so your family owns SKZ?” She asks not a bit shocked.

Jihyo and Jeongyeon come closer to us surprised at the sudden revelation. I just nod at them again, not sure how to react at everything that’s happening. It’s all unraveling too fast for me to actually process everything.

“Wait, is that the reason why you got worked up the other day?” I nod at her again.

“And the free dinner at our restaurant?” Iris adds.

I feel like I’m one of those bobble head figurines with all the nodding I’m doing.They don’t say anything for a while it’s making me anxious.

“That’s cool… no offense though, I wouldn’t have imagined you to be from a family that owns the biggest conglomerate in Asia.”

“You work at a cafe for crying out loud! How were we supposed to know you're from the Kim family?” Ayeon bursts out.

We get startled when Sammy and Martin screams in frustration, making us look back on the field. Everyone sighs in unison. But, I don’t understand what’s happening. Both with the game and the matter of me revealing the truth of my identity. This isn’t how I imagined them to react. They aren’t reacting like the other people I’ve met before. They all suddenly change their demeanor towards me when they find out my parents are James Kim and Rachel Kim of SKZ. So right not I’m not so sure how to feel. It’s quite confusing. Until Sammy reassures of something he was trying to tell me the whole time.

“I told you they wouldn’t treat you any different.” Sammy whispers into my ear. I nudge him with my shoulder as I smile to myself like an idiot. They continue to monitor the game while talking about the upcoming official ones. I try to keep up with their conversation but ultimately I’m clueless.

The sparkling water I’ve been taking sips of for a while have made its way down to my bladder. “I need to go to the restroom.” I tell Martin who seems to be preoccupied with the game and the phone call he’s been taking every fifteen minutes. Jihyo instructs me that the restrooms are located just across the dugout. I gesture Martin to stay put and I’ll be back quick. I wave the panic button to him as I walk down to assure him I’ll be fine on my own.

The restrooms here are the same with the restrooms we have at St. Mary’s. And in that same sense when I find it empty I feel relieved. I was about to step out of the cubicle as soon as I finished doing my business but when I hear a group of girls enter I freeze. 

“Can you believe Olivia?” One girl says. “I know right? She never comes to these things and I can’t believe she’d come today only to be with those _commoners,_ ” the other girl says the word _commoners_ with evident repulsion. It actually ticks something inside me. Something even worse than what I felt when Woori called them plebs earlier. “Exactly! And that guy she was talking to? Oh my god he looks like a total dork!”

Without even thinking I slam open the door. They both jump at the loud sound, call me rude or whatnot but I get some sort of satisfaction from their reaction. “Ol—Olivia…” the girl holding her lip gloss stammers. I don’t speak. I just walk straight to where they are, giving the most serious bitch face I could construct to them. They both step back and make way for me to wash my hands on the sink. If I were the Pre-Korea Olivia, I would’ve given these two stuck-up girls a piece of my mind already. But I try to calm myself. _It’s not worth it,_ I tell myself. I just hope that the silent treatment I’m showing is enough for them to feel my lividness for calling my friends ‘commoners’ and for saying that Jae looks like a dork.

 _Friends._ That’s new as well. Do I find them to be my friends now? Well, if I were to have friends I wouldn't want these two girls on my side to be them anyways. 

The moment I walk away from them both I hear them sigh. They’ll probably gossip about me again later with the other students, so I might as well give them something to talk about that is a hundred percent true and organic— and what I really mean by this is that at least they can talk about how much of an _obnoxious_ person I am by unapologetically hanging out with people they find repulsive. I feel a bit proud that I didn’t make a scene at the restroom for trying to make my point clear to them.

On my way back to the bleachers, I pass by the dugout. And as soon as I move past the entrance a person blocks my way.

“Hello there.” A boy wearing that typical rich son casual outfit— white Lacoste sneakers, ripped black jeans, a plain white t-shirt with a denim plaid shirt on top— greets me in the most cheesy way one could have ever done. I strike him a glare. But he doesn’t seem to notice it as he continues to introduce himself to me. “The name’s Rocket,” he winks and clicks his tongue making me unconsciously cringe. I move to the side and try to walk past him without engaging in a conversation but he quickly blocks my path again.

“Woah, woah, hold up there for a minute Olivia…”

Oh dear God, he _knows_ who I am… this is one of those situations again. I check the back of my pocket for the panic button.

“Don’t you know who I am?” I sigh at his question. Typical. There’s this blocking mechanism that my brain has developed as an adaptation to the countless of times I have heard this phrase from guys trying to initiate a conversation with me— when they say whose son they are I immediately shut off any hearing abilities and just hear muffled sounds.

“Rocket, what are you doing?” Another guy appears from behind me. My patience is really being tested today, huh. “Oh, you know, I’m just here chatting with Olivia Kim.” He stands right next to Rocket and I recognize him. He’s that Dash guy, the one who was giving me that hostile decadent look that sent shivers down my spine. The same look he’s giving me now. But, because I’m too intolerant right now I’m not scared of how he’s looking at me.

Dash gives me the same dialogue of introducing himself as so and so’s son. Unlike Rocket, he goes straight to the point, “So, why don’t we get together and eat lunch or maybe even dinner sometime?” He winks and clicks his tongue but in a more obnoxious way than how Rocket did it earlier. The girls from the restroom pass by, making both of these obtuse beings in front of me ogle at them and give them knowing rakish looks. I take this opportunity to escape them but Dash quickly takes a step to the side that I almost bumped my face into his shoulder.

My patience is wearing thin fast. But I try to compose myself.

“What’s the rush Olivia? You haven’t given me an answer yet.” He says in a sing-song way that makes my stomach turn.

“Move and let me pass. Unless you both want to find yourselves in that corner over there crouching in immense pain,” I threaten them with words, holding back on resorting to use violence as a way to get my point to jerks like them— something that Pre-Korea Olivia would do.

“Oooh, I didn’t know you could be feisty.” He gives this look to Rocket signalling something, then they both take a step closer towards me leaving just a foot distance between us. Instinct make me step back.

“Come closer than where you are right now and I swear to God I’ll make sure you two get maimed enough that you won’t even dare to think of playing baseball anymore.” I say this through gritted teeth, refraining myself from showering them with F-bombs and other curses.

Despite my threats they don’t seem to be backing down anytime soon. In fact it seems they’re finding this amusing with the way they’re both disgustingly smiling at me. Dash isn’t that tall but his build is full. He probably has the same build as Sungjin or Chan, while Rocket has a smaller form. I can probably take both of them by myself. But suddenly, Dash brazenly grabs my arm. I try to yank it away but he grips it hard enough that the initial amount of strength I exerted wasn’t enough. “Oh come on Olivia, just one date. You saw how popular I am with the girls.”

“I don’t give a fuck how popular you are with the girls,” I hiss at him. Then as fast as he grabbed my arm, I twist my body and pull my arm away from him. Only to stop mid-way from giving his face a high kick when I hear Martin’s dreary voice calling me.

“Via stop!” He repeats.

I keep my leg up, just a few inches away from Dash’s face. He is quivering in fear for his face getting hurt. While Rocket has already moved a safe distance away from my reach. Martin rushes towards us, he puts my leg down and pushes Dash away from me. “You’re lucky I came here on time or else you would’ve gotten a concussion and a bloody nose already.” Martin yells, “Get out of here!” Making them scramble back to the dugout.

It’s funny how calm I am right now. It’s like I’m so accustomed to this kind of situation, which I think is not really a good thing.

“What’s the purpose of a panic button if you aren’t going to use it?” Martin asks with his arms crossed to his chest.

“I didn’t panic.” I say as a matter-of-factly to which he sighs exasperatingly.

“And what did I say about you using your training against others?”

“Only for self-defense…”

“Yes. Only for self-defense,” He affirms.

“They made physical contact.”

“They did what?” He roars and is about to storm inside the dugout. But I grab his hand and shake my head, “He just grabbed my arm.” He calms down at this statement. “You should be happy I didn’t break their limbs the moment they talked to me,” I chide at him.

“Right. Good job Olivia. I’m so proud! You did the good thing of not disabling those jerks.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. If I haven’t known Martin for a long time I would’ve taken that sarcasm literally.

Back at the bleachers, students start to get loud. I check the field and Jae is up the mound. I check the scoreboard and I hate myself for not understanding what those numbers mean. “They’re losing,” Martin tells me.

“What’s happening?” I ask no one in particular. But Ayeon and the rest of the girls just sigh at me. Sammy takes the liberty of explaining, “They keep on reading Jae and Dowoon’s plays.” The confused face I have right now shows Sammy I did not understand a word he said. “They keep on hitting the balls Jae is throwing.” As limited baseball knowledge that I have, I know that isn’t a good thing.

“If he doesn’t strike out the next three players, you can kiss this practice game goodbye.” Jeongyeon sullenly adds.

A batter walks away from the batter’s box and relaxedly jogs up to one of the bases. Ayeon, and even Iris, is cheering for Jae. They’re all yelling _it’s okay_ , _you’ll get the next one, stay calm_. I look at him and he looks disconcerted and agitated. It’s worse than how he looked like when his pitches were hit during their practice. Then, I see Dash walk up to the box. There’s disgust in the pit of my stomach threatening to throw up curses at him, but I keep myself calm. Jae readies himself, and while he does everyone is screaming their cheers at him. The moment he puts his glove and hand onto his chest everyone turns silent. He breathes in deep, and just like that I get sucked in again by how serious he looks like when he’s playing baseball. I breathe in the same time as he does. And before he can throw the ball I yell, “Go Jae!”

I don’t know exactly why I did that. It’s either because the batter is Dash and I don’t want to see him hit any of the pitches Jae throws or because I just really don’t like to see anyone hit any of his pitches. Either way, I want him to win. Everyone around looks at me, probably in utter shock. But I keep my eyes fixated at him. He probably heard me as I can see him smiling to himself as he scrapes the sole of his shoe onto the dirt of the mound. He breathes in again and I do too. In a split second, the ball he threw lands on Dowoon’s glove. Ayeon and the rest of the group cheers. Jae manages to strike out Dash and the other batter that comes up the box.

Sammy and the girls are all lively and full of energy now, “Just one more batter Jae!” Jihyo screams.

They tell me that if he strikes out one more player we get to have this inning. I’m not sure what the word inning meant but getting that should be a good thing as they seem to be worked up by it. He breathes in and once again I do to. And there goes the umpire’s voice echoing through the field, “Strike!”

We all cheer.

“We get to have one last inning!” Sammy screams in joy making people around us laugh. I glance to the side where St. Mary’s and St. Joseph’s students are sitting. They all look unamused and unhappy.

The game eventually comes to an end. And unfortunately, St. Joseph’s team takes the win. Ayeon, Jihyo and Jeongyeon all grumble about the loss, while Iris seems to be worried about Captain Sungjin. Sammy gets in an intense conversation with Martin about what went wrong at the last inning and how that last pitch was totally uncalled for. While, I on the other hand keep a straight face but in reality I’m pretty sulky inside. Everyone on the other side have these smug, in-your-face expressions on and it’s quite irksome. Normally, I wouldn’t give a damn about this but somehow I’m invested in it now.

After a while we head on out to regroup with the team. We reach their dugout and everyone is down. Jimin tries to cheer them up by telling everyone that it’s just a practice game and that there wasn’t that big of a difference between the scores. But, they seem to have taken this game to heart. Iris and Ayeon immediately goes to Sungjin and Brian as soon as they came out. I peek over the inside for Jae but I can’t see him from where I am.

“You can go inside, he’s taking his time packing his things,” Brian tells me.

Martin wants to follow me inside but I tell him it’s fine. Once I enter the dugout, he’s at one corner, shoulders down and droopy, filling his gym bag with his stuff. I wait until the other two baseball members have left before I walk over and talk to him.

“Hi…” I carefully greet him.

“Oh, hello Via… Sorry…” He begins to pack his things in a more fast pace.

“Why are you saying sorry? You can take your time.”

He smiles at me before folding his used clothes on the bench. He’s not talking but I can feel how sad and regretful he’s feeling right now. I don’t know what to say to someone to comfort them. Now that I look at it, it seems like I’m always being the one comforted. If I were in his shoes what would I want to hear?

He finishes packing his things in his gym bag and without even thinking I go close to him and give him a hug. If it were me in his position, I wouldn’t want to hear any advice or any words of comfort. Just a hug would be enough. He freezes with my sudden action but I swallow in the embarrassment and just own it. Then as I was about to let go he hugs me back.

“Not yet… just a little bit longer please.” His voice so soft and low. My face is on his chest and I can hear his heartbeat moving fast and I feel mine suddenly moving at the same beat. We keep this position for a while until we hear someone cough. We look and see Chan standing by the pathway to the field.

“Am I interrupting something?” He asks, his voice strangely frigid.

Jae and I let go of each other’s arms. “No…” I shake my head and tuck my hair behind my ears— a defense mechanism I seem to be doing right now, as if I was caught doing something indecent.

“Just need to check the dugout, in case anyone left anything,” Chan explains as he comes inside checking each corner and bench for left items. “So, Olivia, I didn’t know you knew anyone from their school,” Chan casually asks as he goes through every nook and cranny of the dugout.

“Sammy goes there,” I say.

“Oh right, yeah.”

I look at Jae and he’s watching Chan go around the dugout.

“Congratulations, by the way,” I tell him, Jae’s head snaps at me. He stares at me stoically.

“Thanks,” he then goes in front of Jae, with a bench in between them. “It was a nice game, you played well.” He extends his hand towards him for what seems to be a sport gesture. Jae jokingly says, “But apparently not good enough, we just lost.” He extends his own hand and shakes Chan’s. They both laugh, awkwardly I might add.

“So uhh— are you two… together?” Chan asks after he lets go of Jae’s hand.

“Oh, no,” I tell him a bit defensive, but Jae suddenly blurts out, “Not _yet_.” leaving me and Chan both surprised.

“Oh… okay… I better get back to my team… make sure you don’t leave anything,” Chan mumbles. “Thanks for coming Olivia.” He waves at us before heading back to the field. As soon as he’s gone I turn to Jae with a raised eyebrow and my fist planted onto my hip.

“What?” He asks as he hoists his gym bag over his shoulder. I don’t say anything but I know he knows that I’m referring to him answering Chan with a _not yet_.

“For the record, you hugged me first.” He points at me before going out.

I’m left alone at the dugout with my mouth agape. What just happened?

* * *

As their tradition, the team meets up at Iris’ curry restaurant. Everyone’s burnt and sullen. Brian tries to bring the mood up but he himself is disappointed at the result of the practice game. Despite this all of them still manages to move like one body, putting tables together and gathering chairs enough to accommodate everyone. Sungjin calls out for orders but none shouts for their preferred curry dish like they did before. Iris just puts a hand on his shoulder as if telling him they’ll probably just eat anything. He gives her a weak smile as she walks inside the kitchen. Sungjin smacks the table with his palms calling the attention of his members.

“We all have feelings of regret and disappointment right now, and that’s okay. But let’s keep in mind that this is just the beginning, if we get down every time we lose then we’ll never go forward,” he breathes in and huffs out a loud but short yell. “Let’s take this as a lesson for us to find the areas we lack and improve on them.” Brian starts to yell _yeah_ at the background, as if he’s calling in other people to chant with him. “We just need to work hard and we’ll eventually see the fruits of our labor.” Sungjin continues his speech as Brian, now with the accompaniment of Jae, hype him up with loud cheers of _yeah_ and _that’s right_ at the end of every sentence. This works on the team as everyone eventually joins in on the cheers. The sudden group chant ends with everyone yelling in unison, “TO NATIONALS!”

The sudden change in mood of the team is shocking to me as I’ve never seen anyone get over something that easily. If it were me I’d probably lock myself up in my room and be all sulky about it. That’s basically how I deal with anything and it doesn’t help that Martin and Auntie lets me off the hook, if not always, most of the time. All because of extenuating circumstances that is my damaged mental and emotional stability. I know that and that’s why I’m trying right now.

_Bury the hatchet._

I've already talked to the girls but I think the rest of the guys deserve an apology to. Especially Jae. I muster up the courage to actually do it in front of everyone but Iris suddenly comes in with the curry. Sungjin automatically takes the tray from her. And just like that, the courage I mustered up deflates like a balloon popped, all because of bad timing.

“Everyone gets the spicy curry. As a symbol that you all can overcome anything.” Iris announces. There are no complaints from any of them but rather they seem to have accepted the challenge as the look on everyone’s faces are full of determination. Seeing this makes me more adamant on getting the issue out of my chest. And just as everyone has their plate of red curry served in front of them, I bolt up from my seat.

“Uh—h” I mutter.

My body moved before I could even think of something to actually say to everyone. So now I'm standing in front of everyone like an idiot. I take a deep breath. “This one’s on me.” I’m not sure if I should raise my hand up or not but my body, as I’ve mentioned, is moving faster than I can think of what to actually do so now my hand is up at this awkward height.

They’re all either surprised or dumbfounded. “As an apology for how I acted the other day.” I add and now everyone seems to have understood my sudden outburst.

“Plus the dessert?” Sammy asks jokingly and everyone laughs. I do too.

“Sure, I’ll buy everyone dessert. Everyone can eat seconds too, to boost everyone’s morale.” Jae’s the only one who laughed at the last part. I forgot that it’s something that only him and I know about. Jimin then asks, “You’ll pay for everyone’s meal plus dessert?” It’s obvious that she’s not believing my peace offering.

“Yes.” I say sternly.

“Can you even afford it?”

Now that’s something I don’t hear everyday. It may sound like she’s insulting me but this actually makes me like her. Unknowingly I smile at her with what I think is out of fondness, ignoring the fact that Iris and the rest of the girls are laughing uncomfortably at her question. I sit down and breathe in.

 _Open the box._ I think.

“I probably should be honest to everyone here.” I announce. “I’m Olivia Kim. From   _the_ Kim family…It’s nice to meet you all.” Everyone starts to scoff and laugh at me in disbelief, except for those who already knew about it. I look at Jae and he doesn’t look surprised either. Yet, none of them believes me until Dowoon searches my name on a search engine and a picture of my family pops out on his phone. Everyone passes it around the table, I get a glimpse of the photo when the phone reaches Sungjin. It’s the family photo we took during one of the summer galas for this magazine interview my parents agreed to do.

“No wonder you looked very familiar. I’ve read that magazine.” Iris’ dad pops from behind me. Everyone automatically greets him. “And here I was worried everyone would still be down because of the game.” He casually says as he wipes his hand on his apron. “It’s nice to meet you _officially_ Olivia. And thank you for treating the baseball team again.” He tells me before going back to the kitchen.

It takes a while until everyone gets over the fact about who I really am. They eat their food and in the process they pester Jae, asking him if he knew about it. He glances at me a couple of times before saying, “As you saw earlier, if you search for her name online it pops up, so of course I knew.” Somehow I feel a bit betrayed. He made it seem like he didn’t know. I’ll talk to him about it some other time. The interest in who I am eventually is out of the table talk once Sungjin begins to discuss about training and the upcoming official games. That was faster than I imagined it to be. No one changed. If I felt relieved earlier when I told the girls, right now I feel like I’m cruising the clouds at how light my chest feels.

It seems like the strategizing will take more time so I decide to ask if everyone is okay with having ice cream for dessert. They happily agree to the idea. So I go and take Martin with me to look for a convenience store. We walk out and a few feet into the streets, I hear Jae calling for me. “Via!” He’s calling me Via again. Martin tells me he’ll go first and we just follow.

“Let me come with you.” He says. Then we start walking side by side.

“I can’t believe you knew about me and didn’t say anything.” I sound a bit upset. He fixes the glasses on his face. “I didn’t know about it until I searched for you online.” He says.

“Why did you even search me up?”

“I wanted to see if you had any social accounts.”

“I don’t have any.”

“Well, I know that now!” His voice rising up a little. “It didn’t seem like you needed one either…” he adds. My jaw tightens at what he just said. The reason why I’m not on any social media platforms is because of the fact that it’s the breeding ground of baseless rumors and stories. That’s something that I already experience offline, I don’t want to make myself go through the same exact thing when I go online.

“And did you believe everything they said online?” I ask him, genuinely curious as to what he has seen.

“Well, I saw one article about you owning a tiger in your mansion. There weren’t any pictures so I didn’t believe it.” He places his hand on his chin and starts rubbing it like he has a beard or something. “Then, I read one Twitter thread about you being a ghost that only comes out during school hours and after that you disappear,” he pokes my shoulder, “it’s either I’m crazy or you’re definitely not a ghost… I’ll go with the latter one.” He hums a long single _uhm_  before exclaiming, “Ah! There was a video of you being all straight-faced while watching this boy group perform at one of your companies events. That I believe.” Suddenly, I burst out laughing. This is absurd. Out of all the negative things about me I know lurking online that’s what he remembers?

He looks at me like I’m a weirdo. “You can’t possibly tell me that’s the only thing you have read about me…” His face relaxes and the look on his eyes turns soft. “Those are the only ones that I think seemed to matter… the rest, in my opinion, are crap.”

“That still doesn’t change the fact that you pretended to not know about me.”

“What was I supposed to do?” He flaps his arms up and down in the air, “Glorify you for being their daughter? Judging by how indifferent you seem about everything I don’t think you’d particularly enjoy being celebrated with only that as your achievement.”

He has a point. “But you still could’ve told me about it.”

He lets out a soft sigh, “I wanted you to tell me that yourself. Who am I to assume who you really are?”

Every time he does or say something to me I always find myself getting so confused. I’m not used to any of it. Even his friends, they’re all treating me in a way that I’m not sure how to react to. If they acted like how I’m used to people acting towards me then it would’ve been easy for me to just pull myself back and pretend they don’t exist. But they aren’t like that. I don’t know what to do and it scares me that I’m feeling this way, because what if I start yearning for this but everything doesn’t work out. What do I do then?

“You’re staring at me again.” He breaks my train of thought. I didn’t even notice I was doing that staring thing again so I immediately stare down onto my feet. “When you do that I used to get flustered by it but lately I wonder what’s going on in your head.” I feel his gaze still focused on me, making it feel awkward for me to look back at him. “A lot goes on in my head,” I give a short empty laugh.

“I have time…” Now, I laugh out loud.

“You’ll need more than a day to even put a dent on the things that go on in my head.”

“That’s great then, I get to spend longer days with you.” He gives me this playful smile which I just roll my eyes at. “Let’s start with what you were just thinking of earlier… tell me.”

I just laugh at him because I know he’s not being serious. But he starts to egg on me to begin talking.

“Do you really want to know?” His eyes widen with my suggestive question, “Yes.” He answers straightforwardly.

I turn my head away from him and just look at Martin who has put quite a distance between us.

“I don’t want to tell you.” I tease a bit, even though I really have no intention of telling him.

“Why not?”

“You’ll just make fun of me.”

“Since when did I make fun of you?” He scoffs.

Looking back on it he never did make fun of me, sure he was playful but it was never really insulting.

“Come on Olivia, just tell me. I promise I won’t judge.” His demeanor suddenly turns into this soft-spoken little child or more like a puppy wanting some food. It’s kind of cute actually. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to tell him.

“I was wondering…” He expectantly leans closer, “... why you and your friends weren’t… too bothered by who I really am.”

He creases his eyebrows. “How can we be bothered by _who_ you are? We don’t even know if your the type who cooks instant ramen with slightly uncooked noodles or soggy ones.”

I roll my eyes at him, “You can’t be serious can you?”

He chuckles for a while then turns deadpan, “What I meant was that how can you expect us to be disturbed by you when we haven’t really gotten to know each other… Did you expect us to drool over the fact that your parents own SKZ? News flash, we’re trying to be your friend not theirs.”

“That’s the thing, no one ever _just_ wants to be my friend because _I’m_ Olivia. Almost everyone wants to be associated with me because I’m Olivia the daughter of SKZ owners.”

“Not me… I can’t speak for everyone but I know for sure that I want to be _your_ friend.”

We reach the convenience store and Martin has already comfortably placed himself on one of the plastic stools out on the side. We head inside and my thoughts are running around even more now with what Jae is saying to me.

“Regardless if you’re the daughter of the president or the daughter of chewbacca… I want to be your friend.” He says a little too loudly that I’m afraid the cashier person got startled. I want to change the topic because I'm starting to feel weird about him reaffirming his desire to be friends with me, so I head to one of the freezers and slide open its door.

“Are you even listening to me?” He asks. I just nod at him absentmindedly before pulling out one of the ice cream cones. “What type of ice cream would your team like?”

“Just get random ones enough for everyone,” he fusses, “I on the other hand want the Power Cap one.” He digs in the freezer for the ice pop he wants. There a variety of ice creams inside the freezer that it makes it difficult for me to choose which ones to buy for the baseball team.

“How about you what kind of ice cream do you fancy?” He asks with a slight awful British accent. I smile at the sound of it and the fact that it takes him a while to find the dessert of his choice. I find mine on the get-go. I take it out and show it to him by dangling it in the air and swaying it back and forth, “I’m more of a goldfish ice cream sandwich kind of gal.”

“I’ll add that information to the list of things I now know about Olivia.” His voice goes high at the end of his sentence, with his attempt to still do the accent. I leave him for a while to go grab a basket by the counter for the ice cream. When I come back, there’s a lot of different kinds of ice cream on top of the freezer. It doesn’t look like he just randomly chose them though. And judging by how he is mumbling to himself right now, his initial grumbling about just grabbing whatever’s inside the freezer was really just a front. I lean in a bit to hear what he’s muttering.

“So, Brian likes those with chocolate disks on top, Wonpil loves the melon ones, while Sungjin and Dowoon enjoys those in tubs because they care more for the quantity.” I narrate to him as I put the items in the basket. He peers over his glasses and narrows down his eyes as if he’s saying that I wasn’t supposed to hear that and even if I did I should’ve just pretended so. But, I don’t want to give him that satisfaction of getting away from it which is why I said it.

I get one for Martin as well, grabbing the same one as Jae’s, before going to the cashier to pay. Jae carries the plastic bag filled with the dessert though I insisted on carrying it myself. As we walk out the convenience store he rummages inside and pulls out the goldfish ice cream for me and the blue ice pop for Martin and him. I toss Martin’s over to him who is still lounging on the stool. He manages to catch it, “Thanks.” He doesn’t seem to be in a rush to go back so I take it as a sign that he wants us to go on first. So I start walking. Jae follows. He’s already opened his ice pop and starts eating it. I open mine too. As a child I used to feel bad eating the goldfish ice cream because to the child me it looked like a real goldfish. But I loved it so much that I couldn’t stop eating them, so every time I would have them I’d say sorry to it before biting its head. I go for the head to give it a short painful death. This thought reminds me that I haven’t officially apologized to Jae.

“Sorry by the way.” I tell him after I have swallowed the head of the goldfish.

“Suddenly?” He chuckles.

“I realized I haven’t told you that yet.” He bites into the plastic casing of his ice pop while nodding. “I’m sorry too,” he says. 

We don’t say anything else to each other on the way back but it doesn’t feel like we are silent the whole time either. My shoulder would graze his arm as we walk and vice-versa. And every time it would, we would exchange glances then smile to each other. And in some weird flirty way we are having a conversation through this, all the while munching on some sweet cold dessert.


	19. Chromatic Lights

— **Olivia** —

Waking up to the blaring sounds of an alarm clock on a weekend is distressing enough but waking up to the cries of one Suzy Bae is as equally distressing, if not more.

“I cannot believe neither one of you and Sammy told me anything about yesterday!” She yells. “I had to find out about this through the SNS posts of other people!”

I’m still half-asleep so it doesn’t bother me that much to hear her say people have been talking about me online. “Welcome back Suze,” I greet her with a cracking morning voice and semi-closed eyes. “How can you still be sleepy? There are photos of you online and I don’t know anything about it!”

I groan at her, “Maybe because you’re in a plane for 16 hours?” For a moment she turns silent and I feel myself falling back to sleep until she starts talking again. “You have a point.”

My bed suddenly shakes and I feel someone go under the sheets. “Sammy who told you you could sleep again!” I look over my shoulder and there’s Sammy in the same state as I am. “She ambushed you?” I wanly ask. He groans while nodding his head.

Our attempt of ignoring Suzy and continue sleeping is futile because now we’re all sitting on the dining table getting served breakfast by Auntie. Sammy grabbed one of my pillows on our way down so now he’s clinging onto them and curled up on his chair. Though, he quickly sits up the moment Auntie scolds him.

“The fact that you look like you just got out from a spa and not a fifteen-hour flight amazes me.” Sammy notes dryly. Suzy ignores him and moves her head to look at me. “Tell me the details. I don’t believe anything they post online. They’re all lies until you say they aren’t.”

The way she’s getting worked up with whatever it is that she saw online makes me a little curious what people are saying about me now. “What are they saying?” She doesn’t speak for a while, which is very unlike her. I turn to Sammy and he avoids my gaze. I take it as a sign he saw the posts too. “What is it?” I ask sternly.

“You don’t need to know it Via,” Suzy tells, smiling sweetly at me. But, I’ve known her for a long time already to know if she’s faking a smile or not. And right now she is.

“I have to know so I can tell you if it’s a lie or not.” I insist.

She sighs and grabs her phone from her purse. She swipes and then taps on the screen, typing a few times before looking up from it. Before she hands me the phone, she reminds me, “You really don’t have to see it, I know that you’re not on social media because you’re avoiding all the stress and toxicity of it.”

I appreciate her worrying for me but right now I’m really curious about what the spectators of my “reality show” think about my special episode yesterday. So, without saying anything I just show my palm toward her, demanding the phone be handed to me. She sighs again, “Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.” She places her phone on top of my palm.

It’s a Twitter thread. The post was made by someone with a username iroow19.

 

_OMG OLIVIA KIM IS HERE…_

 

There’s a photo attached to the first tweet. It’s a photo of me beside Martin and Sammy standing by the bleachers. This was probably when we’re still looking for the girls.

The replies to the first tweet are just photos with different angles of iroow19’s photo. I scroll over them until I see another tweet from the same user.

 

_Bang Chan and this other guy from the loser team just called her from the field!!!!!!!!!_

_SHE. JUST. IGNORED. BANG. CHAN????????_

_NOW SHE’S TALKING TO THE PITCHER FROM THE LOSER TEAM!!!!_

_SHE CALLED HER VIA!!!! WHAT ARE THEY DATING EACH OTHER????_

 

She attached a picture of me and Jae facing each other. I find it quite amusing that she typed her tweets in all caps and used a lot of punctuation marks just to express the intensity of shock she had undergone. It takes me awhile to realize that the user iroow19 is Woori.

 

_OLIVIA KIM IS A TRAITOR. SHE’S CHEERING FOR ST. JOSEPH’S RIVAL TEAM!_

 

Then another photo of me is attached.

The rest of the replies seem to be from other students of St. Mary’s and St. Joseph’s. This makes the thread a bit wonky because of the different replies meant for a specific tweet within Woori’s thread.

 

_Wth?! Why is she talking to him? he‘s not even cute???_

_Is she doing a charity case now? #OliviaKimCharity_

_Probably for the upcoming SKZ Summer Gala! #OliviaKimCharity #SKZFoundation_

_I thought she was in London? The nerve of her to steal Bang Chan from us!!! GRRRR_

_pretentious bitch why is she there? she probably doesn’t even know anything about baseball!_

_The girls she’s with are probably just in it for her money!_

_IKR the girl with pigtails is really ANNOYINGLY LOUD! I want to throw my picket at her!_

_They’re even borrowing the sun visor! Probably their first time seeing a real Ralph Lauren one! HAHA peasants!_

 

This actually makes my stomach flip. It has just occurred to me that Ayeon, Iris, Jihyo and Jeongyeon can be seen on one of the photos Woori posted. They’re indirectly being dragged into this. I want to scroll more but Suzy must have seen me get tense because she covers the screen of the phone and pulls it away from my hand.

“I told you, you didn’t need to see any of it.” She reiterates her point. But the thing is I’m not affected by the things they said about me. What gets to me is the fact that the girls are getting insulted because they’re involved with me. I can handle it if they just attack me. The moment other people becomes the target, that’s something I can’t bear to watch.

I try to pretend I’m calm by keeping a straight face. Auntie serves me a glass of milk which I quickly take a sip of. I swallow and it feels like I have a lump in my throat.

“Are you okay?” Suzy asks, her eyebrows creasing inward. I nod at her. Sammy places the pillow on a chair next to him and turns to me, “Don’t let it get to you Via, they’re just a bunch of nobodies.”

Nobodies that can spread rumors about my new found friends which would eventually hurt them, making them hate me for it which then would result to them leaving me. Sure, yeah. They’re a _‘bunch of nobodies.’_

I still give him a small nod.

“They’re not wrong though,” I say to Suzy. “Technically, I did all of those things they said. I did ignore Chan when he called me at the field. I talked to Jae instead of him, because he came up to me. I sat with Sammy on the _opponent’s_ side,” I air quote the word ‘opponent’s’ because I find the whole concept of dividing everyone into sides a bit ridiculous. “And I cheered for Jae.” I grab the chopsticks placed on the side and start grabbing some egg rolls on top of my bowl of rice.

“And?” Suzy asks. I look up from my plate and I see her staring at me like I’m missing something and I still owe her an explanation.

“That’s it.” I tell her.

“You’re not even going to explain to me what was going on in your head when you did all of that? Why you did it? Why you were there in the first place?” She asks, sounding a bit irritated at my lack of generosity with the exact details. The thoughts that go through my mind are quite complicated that I don’t even understand them myself. So, I find it very difficult to explain to someone what _actually_ runs in my mind. Words aren’t encompassing enough to begin describing what goes inside me— what my thoughts are. Sometimes they’re just a bunch of squiggly lines on a piece of paper getting drawn over and over again until the paper just gets muddled and dirtied by it. Seeing nothing but black. Getting sucked in, drowning under and eventually getting consumed by it. Right now, my head is being drawn on with an intricate and complex curlicues.

“Vi.” Suzy places a hand on my shoulder.

It feels like I was drawn out from the never ending claustrophobic experience that is my thoughts.

“Sammy convinced me to go, said I could use it as an opportunity to apologize to everyone in person. _Bury the hatchet_ he said.” I explain to her. “So I did,” I pause for a while, thinking what other details I should tell her. But it doesn’t take long enough for me to get trapped inside my mind again.

“That’s it?” She asks and I’m back inside the dining room. I just nod at her.

“What about Jae?”

“What about him?” I start eating the egg rolls I have put on my plate.

“Is he really your boyfriend now?” I almost choke on my egg roll. “What? No.” I say too defensively.

“You ignored Chan, talked to him instead and cheered for him on a game _against_ Chan’s team. Of course people are really going to think you and him are a thing Via.” She grabs some fruits from a bowl on the side. “Is there some kind of unspoken rule that by default I need to be cheering for Chan?” She starts to peel the tangerines, placing the fruit peels on the side of her plate. “No, but the fact that you don’t go to those kinds of events is the catalyst of our issue Via! The day that you decided to go to a school event, you went there not because of Chan but for a guy they don’t know OF COURSE they’re going to think both of you are dating.”

“I told you everything Suze…” Only everything I can actually muster up to say.

She finishes peeling the tangerine, splits it into three and places one on my plate and Sammy’s. “What I’m actually trying to say right now is, can I trust my best friend to tell me _herself_ that she’s got a boyfriend already.” She smiles at me. This time it’s real.

“Don’t worry, if I’m dating, which _I am_ not, you’ll know about it first.” I look at her then at Sammy. Suddenly, I get reminded of what went between him and I.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He says.

“Look at you like what?” I ask, not knowing how my facial expression is.

“Like I’m in pain, ‘cause I’m not.” He stirs the miso soup before serving himself a bowl. “I realized that I didn’t really like you that way, maybe I just liked the idea of liking you. But really, I just love you like a sister.”

“OH MY GOD, did you meet somebody?” Suzy slams her hand on top of the table making the both of us jump. “What are you talking about?” Sammy gets flustered. He starts mumbling incomprehensible words. “Who is she?” Suzy prys.

Then it hit me. “Is this the girl your father asked you to meet last time?” I ask. The shock in his face proves that I hit the bullseye.

“No way? Jeon Somin?” Suzy hits the bullseye as well.

“How did you know?” He asks dropping  the ladle back onto the bowl of miso soup.

Suzy grabs another tangerine from the fruit bowl, “Did you forget that your father is my mother’s younger brother?” She starts peeling the tangerine again, “My mom knows everything about your dad.” Sammy sighs, “That’s why I can’t hide anything from you.”

She laughs maniacally, “Exactly.”

A brief moment of silence between the three of us floats around the dining table. “So, Jeon Somin huh?” Suzy jokingly asks, making Sammy choke on his miso soup and me laugh, spraying rice all over.

After breakfast, the three of us lounge on the living room. With Suzy updating her Instagram profile and Sammy figuring out how to connect my Switch to the TV. I say lounge like I actually have the emotional luxury to do such a thing. When in fact my mind is getting sullied by the never ending spiral of my thoughts. I’m still thinking of the negative posts those people posted about Ayeon and the rest of the girls. It’s possible that they saw them too. I check my phone for any messages from them in the chat.

None.

 _They already hate you, that’s why there aren’t any messages._ No, they’re probably just busy. _As if, they probably blocked you already._ That can’t be, I can still access the chat. _Really? Have you tried sending a message?_ No. _Then, how can you be sure._ I can send one now. _Yeah, then you’ll see that you can’t message them._ I have to know eventually. _Yeah, go ahead. Message them, they probably didn’t block you but they can always just pretend you don’t exist._ Shut up. _You know I’m right. You kno—_

“Earth to Via?” Sammy yells from across the room. “What?”

“Weren’t you listening?” I want to tell him no, because my thoughts were being too loud for me to actually hear anything around. “Sorry,” I say.

“I asked if you wanted to play Mario Kart with me.” He waves the controller in his hands.

“Yeah, sure.” I say without much thought.

Even Mario Kart can’t help me keep my head from burning itself out with thinking too much about the things the voice in my head are saying. Apparently I’m losing every level and awfully at that. “Via, if you didn’t want to play with me you could’ve just said no, instead of playing MK like you have your knees as your hands.”

The moment I lose again, I just give him the controller and move back to the couch where Suzy is seated. “You okay?” She asks as she scrolls on her feed.

I nod, “Yeah.” She nods her head too not removing her eyes from her phone.

I check mine for any messages, still none. Should I message them? But what if they did block me? Or what if they just ignore me? What do I do then?

My thought gets cut off by Martin who suddenly appears behind us. “I need to talk to you.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “Sure.” I say, not moving an inch.

“In private.” He adds. I look over my shoulder wondering what’s the matter. Sammy and Suzy looks at us too. Curious as to what he wants to talk about.

We step out on one of the sliding doors that connects the living room to the patio that overlooks the whole garden. Martin closes the door shut before pulling me towards the very edge of the patio.

“Your father wants you to call him.” He tells me right off the bat. My stomach begins to turn again. The breakfast I had threatening to come up like the water fountain in front of us. “Why?” I manage to ask without barfing. “You know how Marshall is, the moment he says what needs to say or get the information he needs, he hangs up.”

Just like dad.

“He wants you to call now.” He instructs. “Why can’t he call me?” I ask trying to be a bit rebellious. Martin contorts his face into this weird expression that seems like he’s surprised, disgusted and scared all at the same time.

“I’m kidding,” I say. We both know that if _he_ calls it means I’m in trouble. I look for his number on my phone, but before I press it to contact him, I take a deep breath. After three rings, he answers.

“Olivia,” he says, his voice as stern and deep as I remember. It’s been a while since we last talked on the phone.

“Hi dad.” I greet him.

“How’s Seoul?”

“Oh, you know. Still in the same place the last time I checked.” Martin plants his palm onto his face. Clearly disapproving of my misplaced cheekiness.

“I’m glad you can crack jokes now.” He says with no hint of laughter, not even a little giggle in his voice.

“I’ll get straight to the point as I have an important meeting in a few minutes. Have you been in contact with Bang Chan lately?” I feel my palms get clammy.

“What do you mean?” I try to pry for some context of his question. He can’t possibly know about what happened yesterday. Or has he seen or heard of the posts online?

“I meant it as it is. Have you two talked to each other or at least been in the same room together this year?”

“We’re not close friends, but yes. He’s the captain of the baseball team and I had to do something for school so we had a meeting before—”

He cuts me off, “Okay. That’s all I needed to hear. Take care Olivia, I need to get to this meeting now. Send my regards to Auntie.” And he hangs up, without even letting me finish or let me bid him goodbye. Typical.

“What did he say?” Martin nervously asks. “He just asked me about Chan.”

His eyebrow rises almost involuntarily, “Why?”

I shrug. “How am I supposed to know? He hangs up the moment he gets what he needs.”

Sammy and Suzy left an hour after I made the call, explaining they have a family affair to attend to— Suzy’s mom is making dinner and invited Sammy’s family over. They asked me to come telling me they’d love to see me, I declined, making up an excuse that I have to help Auntie do something for the Summer Gala. But really I’m just here in my room trying to find my will to finish the book and start outlining my paper for next term. I pace around my room with the book in hand, looking for a comfortable place to sit, lay or stand so I can read it but I’m too restless to stay put in one place. It’s like the restlessness of my mind causes my body to be restless _physically_ . Like my mind is running on a treadmill that’s making my body _want_ to run on an actual treadmill. It’s exhausting. Eventually I lay on my bed with the book beside me, distracting myself by playing Wordscapes.

Auntie calls me for dinner and as I was about to go down the dining room, my phone vibrates. I look at the screen and I see Jae’s name.

_Shit. Wait. What do I do?_

I pace back and forth in the hallway not knowing if I should go back to my room or just answer it casually as I walk to the dining room. Auntie sees me, and panic rises so I run back to my room. I answer the phone but I’m trying to sound like I’m not panting.

“Hi.” I say as I subtly let out a huff.

“Hello Olivia.” Jae greets and I can just imagine him smiling on the other line. His eyes crinkled close.

“Is this a bad time?” He asks.

I put my phone away from my face and try to catch my breath. “No, it’s okay.”

“Uhhh—” he trails off before bursting into one of his nervous laughs. “So, I was wondering if you’re free tomorrow…”

I sit on the edge of my bed, not sure on what to say to him. _I am. I never have anything on my calendar._ That’s too sad to even say out loud. _Yeah, I am. Why? Are you asking me on a date?_ Date? You stuck-up bitch.

“Yeah… why?”

“Uhh— well, Cap has these extra tickets for a music festival happening down at Yeouido park… tomorrow’s the last day of the festival…uhhh...maybe you wanna go?”

A music festival. _There will be a lot of people there._ Duh, it’s a festival. _It will be crowded. You hate crowds._ That’s true. _You have to socialize with people._ That’s true too.

But _he_ will be there.

“Sure. I’d love to go.” I say.

“Really?” His voice rises up that I smile a little.

“Let’s meet there or?”

“Let’s meet in front of Yeouinaru Station, 3PM.”

“Okay, cool.” I say.

“See you, Via.” He calls me by that nickname again.

“See you, Jae.”

I hang up.

Over dinner I think to myself again and again, _I’m going to a music festival_.

 

* * *

 

My heart is jumping out of my chest. And it doesn’t help that I didn't get much sleep last night because my mind was on fire thinking of how the girls are— if they saw all those malicious posts online. 

Martin parked the car in one of the buildings near the station, so now we’re here at a nearby bench waiting for Jae and the rest to arrive. They’re not late I’m just too early. We agreed to meet at 3PM but my anxiousness made me wake up at 7 am despite my lack of sleep and I finished getting ready by one o’clock. Currently, it’s two-thirty.

“I searched online and did you know The Puppet Skirts will be performing?” Martin excitedly says, he’s like Wonpil when we went to the outlet mall.

“Who?”

“The Puppet Skirts. Only the greatest indie band in Asia.” His voice turns serious as if I just committed some kind of crime by not knowing who the band was. “They aren’t your favorite Paraless and Nightsix, but they make great songs.” 

I nod at him, “I’ll give them a listen next time.” Martin checks his watch so I do too, five minutes haven’t even passed. 

“We’ll watch until the end right? The Puppet Skirts will be the last one to perform.” He worriedly tells me. 

“Don’t worry Martin, I’ll let you watch at least one song from their set.” He becomes sullen, “I’ll take it.”

I laugh, “I’m just joking! You can watch them until the end.”

I relieve my anxiousness by involving myself with some slight banter with Martin. He, as usual, reacts to them like he always does. Although, we quickly stop when we hear chattering coming from the subway stairs.

“O-o-o-o-li-vi-a!” Brian sings my name as he climbs up from the station’s exit. Ayeon is right next to him, then I see Iris and Sungjin come out together. And then Jae. I wave hello to all of them. They all greet me warmly like they usually do, with Ayeon giving me a hug. Okay, they probably haven’t seen it. That’s good. 

They all start to walk towards the park where the festival is being held. Except Jae. He stops in front of me grinning. “You’re here.” I give a curt nod, “I’m here.”

There’s silence between us but I’m not sure if it’s awkward silence or a bashful one. I hope it’s the latter because that’s what I’m feeling. 

“We should catch up to them.” I point at the group that’s growing distance from us. 

“Ah yeah right.” He’s still grinning at me. It’s the latter one. For sure.

We reach the park and line up to go over the barricades where ticket holders can watch the performances and enjoy the various stalls set up. Sungjin hands me my ticket, his face troubled. “I don’t have an extra ticket for Martin.” He says weakly.

I look over at Martin who seems to be in shock. I roll my eyes at him because I know he’s just pretending. “Not one of you care for me so I bought my own last night.” He pulls out his ticket from his back pocket. Then, Sungjin tries to appease him because he starts to sulk about no one accommodating him. We all just laugh at the sudden tandem that is the two of them. By the time we reach the entrance to the other side of the barricade, Martin has basically woven himself into the group, as if he’s around the same age as every one, as if he’s known them for a long time. I’ve known Martin to be very sociable but seeing it up close and happening right in front of me first hand is quite a sight. It’s probably because I haven’t really given him a chance to go out since I’m always stuck in my home, which means he’s stuck inside the house as well. I take a mental note not to ruin this day, if not for everyone, at least for Martin’s sake.

Our first order of business once we pass the barricade is to go over the food stalls which are lined up in these white tents facing where the stage is situated. Earlier on the line, Sungjin and Brian were discussing which acts they wanted to go watch and which acts they could just skip. So, the one performing now is part of the skip list. Everyone starts to walk along the tents and see which ones they want to try. Apparently Jae has been grabbing a bunch of food from the stalls as I follow the two couples in front of me, because when we arrive at the last stall of the first cluster of tents, his hands are full of different kinds of snacks and meals. Two of each — one for me and one for him. 

We sit on this vacant bench we find under a tree that is not that far from where the first cluster of tents are. I help Jae place all the food he’s been holding on top of the bench. Once I free his hands being held captive by food containers, we now have our own little picnic meal in between us. He managed to get _tteokbokki_ , _kimbap_ , sausages, nachos and sodas. Looking at it now it doesn’t look like a _little_ picnic. I laugh, “You may have gotten too much.”

“No, no. This is just right. If you don’t finish your share, I get to eat more without having to walk over there again.” He nods his head at me while smiling like he’s waiting for my approval. 

“But what if I finish all of mine?” I ask playfully.

He unwraps one of the wooden chopsticks he got and hands it to me, “It’s still just right. You’re full…” he unwraps another one for himself, “...and I have enough food in my stomach to go over the second set of tents and walk back here.”

I laugh at him, “Sometimes I wonder if you really mean everything you say or you’re just joking.”

“Do I look like I’m joking right now?” He places a piece of the spicy rice cake in his mouth before turning stoic. 

“Uh-huh.” I nod my head before grabbing my own piece. 

“Girl you’re trippin’” he says, surprising me with his sudden use of slang.

“I’m what?” I ask trying to repress my laughter. 

“Girl, you heard me. I ain’t repeating myself twice.” This time I laugh out loud I might have sprayed some bits of chewed up spicy rice cakes into the air.

He opens the can of soda and hands it to me. I recover from laughing by taking a sip of the lemon soda. Right after I take a gulp of it he asks me a question, “So, what new fact about yourself are you going to share today?”

I raise my eyebrow at him before taking a piece of the _kimbap_ from the black plastic tray. He takes a piece as well before continuing, “Every time we meet I get to find out new things about you…”

“Like what?” I ask skeptically.

“Like last time, you told me your favorite ice cream are those goldfish shaped ones…” he starts to hum to himself, “You don’t like getting free stuff from people, you like both the strawberry and banana flavored milk, you love watching the sunset at sunset brick road, you don’t like it when people ask you personal questions, you know taekwondo, hmm… what else is there?”

I take another bite of the _tteokbokki,_ waiting for him to continue on with his list of Olivia facts.

“Ah, you love listening to music when you walk at sunset brick road.” He adds.

“Are you done?”

He nods his head as he chews up some sausages he just took. I’m not sure if he’s just doing this to flatter me or something, because it’s not. But I do appreciate his effort to note all of those _facts_ about me. It shows that he’s at least trying to know who I really am, despite how mundane the facts he knows about me. I don’t blame him, it’s not like I’m presenting myself as an open book for him to easily read out loud. Heck, I can’t even read _myself_ properly.

“Is this awkward silence or something else?” He asks carefully.

I snap myself out of my head, “Sorry.”

“A lot of things running on your mind?”

I nod at him, flipping one of the rice cakes to avoid looking at him.

“You can tell me what’s on your mind, I told you I got time.”

“Why are you so interested with what I’m thinking about?” 

“Well, the fact that you always seem to be stuck inside your head makes me curious about what you’re thinking…”

“Don’t worry, it's not that interesting.” I try to dismiss the topic.

“That… and I like you.”

“Wha— what, wait… what?” I exclaim.

“I figured I should tell you that right now.” 

“What are you talking about? Where did that suddenly come from?” I say a bit panicky.

“This is exactly why I decided to tell you. With how preoccupied you are with whatever you’re thinking of in your head, no matter how much I try to subtly show you signs I like you, you’ll probably go on without ever noticing them. As selfish as it may sound, I’m telling you that I like you so at least for a moment your head would only be filled with thoughts about me telling you that _I._   _Like_. _You_.”

He said the word ‘ _like’_ three times. I think I’d actually combust into flames spontaneously with how my brain and heart are suddenly going hay-wire right now. The rice cake flipping I was doing earlier is now replaced with rice cake stabbing. _Shit. Okay, Olivia calm down. He just told you that he likes you. That could mean anything. Right?_  

“I’m not saying that you should like me back, I just need you to know that someone actually _sees_ you Olivia.”

 _What does he mean ‘sees’ me? What does he mean I shouldn’t like him back? If that’s the case he shouldn’t have said it in the first place._ _Calm down, breathe. Stop stabbing the rice cake._

“O-kay!” He suddenly exclaims. “Forget I ever said anything. Let’s just start over.”

“What?” I try not to scream at him.

“What do you mean _what_?”

“You said you’re not playing with me but what do you think you’re doing now?” I snap at him. Panic still evident in my voice.

“I’m sorry! Try telling someone you like them only for them to look like they’re about to throw up and explode.”

I feel bad now. When I get too overwhelmed there would be times that I cannot control my facial expressions. I bury my face into my palms and let out a muffled scream. _What is happening?_

“Look, when I told you I have a lot of things running in my mind, I’m not saying that like I have a lot of things to do or that I’m busy. In fact, I have nothing to do! I have all the time in the world and yet I stay inside my house most of the time, stuck in my room playing video games or watching movies or documentaries, reading a book, anything actually, just so I can escape whatever is it in my head that’s making me _like this_.” I flail my arms into the air to emphasize _myself_. Not actually knowing what I mean when I pertain to myself.

“You don’t need to worry about wanting me to think about you even for just one moment, all I ever do is think…and that includes you.” I exhale out a long and quiet sigh, trying to normalize my breathing.

He looks taken aback with my sudden outburst.

“I’m not normal Jae. And I don’t think I’ll ever be. You say you like me, but you probably just like the idea of liking me.” I borrow Sammy’s words. For some reason saying that with my own mouth and hearing it with my voice stings a little.

I grab the lemon soda and take a gulp of it. Saying those things out loud actually makes me feel like I’m cruising the clouds. It’s like I got something off my chest and gained the ability to fly.

“But what if I really do like you, and not just the idea of it?” He asks. His face expressionless, I can’t read him and for a strange unknown reason my heart skips a beat because of it.

“How can you be so sure? You don’t even know me that well.” I say back.

“Hence, the list of things I know about you!” This actually makes me chuckle at him.

“How about this, we stay as friends trying to get to know each other and if I still end up REALLY liking you and you don’t like me back then we just forget about each other.” He conjures up a suggestion.

“You sure do like making negotiations huh? First the boba, now this… can’t we just be friends? I really do like your company.”

He’s seriously thinking about my proposal. “It depends on how you treat me…” he replies, though I’m not sure if he’s doing it playfully.

Again, I can’t read him. 

I raise an eyebrow, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means what it means.”

That doesn’t make any sense. But I decide not to pry any further and just change the topic. 

“Can I ask you a question though?” He gives a small nod.

“Do you have a band on the line-up you like?” 

“Oh, are you creating your own list of Jae facts now?”

I roll my eyes at him. “You said we should get to know each other, and just like you said I hate being asked personal questions so I feel like it’s only right for me to ask you questions that are on the same depth as I allow you to know about me.” 

“You’re _just_ quality is very admirable.” He says sarcastically, to which I playfully punch his shoulders.

“I like Monnet and Hauve,” _so he likes alternative pop music, interesting_. “How about you?”  

“None actually, my fave bands are Paraless and Nightsix.”

He gasps, “Paraless I can dig, but Nightsix? Really?”

“You know them?” I ask him. Not a lot of people know those bands. So I find it surprising he knows who they are.

“They’re rock bands, Paraless do it flawlessly…”

“So does Nightsix!” I say defensively. He shakes his head condescendingly, “they’re subpar…”

“What! Clearly you haven’t listened to their debut album The Night yet!” I yell at him.

“Okay, let me correct myself, they’re good but their songs are too emotional… maybe if they changed their name to something brighter, like I don’t know, Day6 or something then maybe they’d be more popular.”

“Their songs are masterpieces they don’t need to change anything for people to like them.” The look on his face after I said my piece is that of a half-smirk and half-astonishment.

“What?” I ask.

“The last time I saw you be this so sure and confident was when I first talked to you at the sunset brick road.” 

Nightsix is the band that really helped me go through my rough days, listening to them is calming to me. So, I get upset when I hear people say bad things about them and I’ll probably go lengths just to prove my point on why they’re the best band ever.

“I love Nightsix, what are you going to do about it?” I lift my chin up to emphasize that I’m not backing down without a fight.

He shakes his head and shrugs before continuing eating the food we have laid out.

We finish devouring everything before meeting up with Brian and the rest at the mosh pit area for the next performer that’s part of their _to watch_ list.

“Had a fun picnic?” Brian teases. Jae gives him a light punch on his stomach. Sungjin and Iris go further into the mosh pit, we follow suit. The further we go in the tighter the crowd gets. My breathing gets a bit shallow as the situation I’m in is not something I’m a hundred percent comfortable with. I look behind me for Martin but it seems he got stuck somewhere among the crowd. The group performing next is obviously a favorite as people are starting to move closer and closer to the stage. I try to follow Brian and Jae who are weaving through the crowd but a group of rowdy college students suddenly cuts in between the beelining strategy we had. So now I find myself lost and surrounded by wild and harried college students looking to destress themselves.

I look left and right for any signs of Jae or Martin, or anyone I know but I keep getting pushed around by the crowd. _Stay calm, Olivia. Stay calm, you can get yourself out of here._ Repeating that in my head actually makes me more panicky. My breathing gets more shallow. What good is it that your friends are all tall when you can’t even see them in a sea of people. _Calm yourself_. As I reach for the panic button in my back pocket someone pulls my arm and I find myself face inches away from someone’s chest. 

“Found you.” Without even looking up, I know it’s Jae. And instantly I feel relief.

“You scared me there, I look behind me and I don’t see you, then I see Martin from afar waving at me looking all panicked.” He explains, still gripping my arm.

“I got caught up with some college kids I know.” I joke.

“Yeah, you did.” He chuckles at me.

“Don’t take this as me taking advantage of the situation but I need to hold your hand okay?” He tells me with his eyes locked on mine. I give him a nod.

He takes my hand and pulls me as he goes through the crowd. His hand wrapped tightly around mine. Soft, warm and like nothing I have felt before. _It’s just a hand Olivia_. I think to myself. We’ve held hands before but why am I feeling this way right now? Is it because I know he likes me? _But you just told him that he might just like the idea of liking you_. I know.

Jae manages to reach where Brian, Sungjin, Iris and Ayeon have positioned themselves. We’re about four people away from the stage. Jae lets go of my hand and disappointment fills me until he gently grabs me by the shoulders and pushes me to be in front of him, next to Iris. That’s when I realize that Iris, Ayeon and I are standing in one horizontal line facing the stage while the guys are behind us. Giving us enough space not to be squeezed in by the amount of people. 

“You should be thankful this boy is tall or else I would have had to apprehend people just to pull you out of the mosh pit.” I hear Martin’s voice speaking but I really can’t see him with my height being less than five feet and a person who’s as tall as a tree is towering over me.

“He’s just behind me.” Jae taps my shoulder. And I look over his and I see Martin peeking, giving me a wave. “Hey there tiny bug.” I cringe at his attempt to give me a new nickname.

“Tiny bug…” Jae repeats under his breath. “Don’t ever call me that.” I elbow his stomach. Making him laugh and groan at the same time.

The moment the stage begins to light up and change colors, the crowd starts to get hyped up. The next act must be coming out.

“Monnet and Hauve is up.” Jae whispers into my ear. The hair on my arms stand up at how his voice is so soft yet very audible despite the clamorous people around us.

I tilt my head up to see him looking down, smiling at me. His excitement and exhilaration can be felt with how his hands are squeezing my shoulders. I’m resisting the urge to place both of my hands on his just so I can feel the warmth of them again.

Blaring sounds from the speakers echo through the whole park, stirring the audience into a frenzy. The guys hold their barricade position as the crowd pushes toward the stage.

Once the vocalist of Monnet and Hauve comes out with a mic on hand everyone starts to cheer for him. Then the band starts playing their instruments and as if the whole audience is one body, they all sing the first bar of lines with the same fervor as the singer. This includes Jae.

 

_I caught you in the arms of another_

_Yet you tell me I’m the only one_

_Foolishness in me wants to believe there’s forever_

_But the next thing I know, you’re gone_

 

 _Boy, who hurt you?_ I laugh at my thought. I take a mental note to add this song to my playlist. It’s good. No wonder everyone knows it. The next song is brighter, with the acoustic guitar plucking at the start and summer beats suddenly attacking from the background.  The stage is now filled with strobing chromatic lights. Everybody starts to jump and cheer at the highlight verses of the song, Iris and Ayeon looks at me as they shout the lyrics. _So much for worrying if they hate me._ At first I’m in shock with how united the people are with music. Then, later on I find myself jumping and jamming along with them. Not knowing the lyrics of the song, but just feeling the mood and beat of it.

Jae suddenly takes my hand and twirls me around to face him. The song is still going and I’m too into it already to suddenly stop myself from dancing. He’s grinning widely and I laugh.

Two hype songs later, I start to get tired so I stop and catch my breath. Monnet and Hauve starts playing their last song, a medley of their hit songs. Jae, Brian and Sungjin sing this like they’ve practiced the piece a thousand times, alternating verses and harmonizing with each other. I’m surprised to see Sungjin be like this, I always pictured him as this stiff captain that only looks at his girlfriend. But really he’s a softie that only looks at his girlfriend. Heh.

Once the medley ends, Jae cheers and applauds for the group, as do everyone else. Monnet and Hauve leaves the stage and there’s an announcement that there will be a fifteen minute break before the next act performs. The heat from the bodies of concert goers as well as the summer weather suddenly creeps up onto me. I, unknowingly pull on Jae’s shirt and tiptoe to somehow reach his ear. “Do you mind if I step out of the mosh pit?” I say as loud as I can project, my ears still ringing from how loud the sounds were earlier.

He shakes his head, “No, it’s okay. Let me go with you.”

“But what about the next performers?” I ask, casually letting go of his now wrinkled shirt.

“It’s okay. I told you Monnet and Hauve is my fave, plus we still get to hear and watch the other acts on screen.” He points at the huge LED screen right next to the stage. He tells Brian and the rest that he needs to take me out of the pit for a breather. He offers his hand and I take it without hesitation. Martin gives me this look before following behind me. A few shoulder bumps and an occasional _excuse mes_ later, we manage to get out of the human maze that is the mosh pit.

“Want some water?” Jae asks.

“Sure.”

He jogs to one of the white tent food stalls, giving Martin the perfect opportunity to talk to me, “What’s going on between you and Mr. Tall Bug?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean, _what do you mean_?” He playfully gives my shoulder a nudge with his knuckles. “I gave you two space earlier, so I couldn’t hear a thing about what you two were talking about and now I see you two holding hands and dancing with each other while looking at each other’s eyes all soft and sweet.” He narrates excitingly.

“There’s nothing, we’re just friends.”

“Hh-hmm.” He coos at me skeptically.

“Yeah.” I insist. From my peripheral vision I see Jae jogging back towards us so I hit Martin’s chest to signal him to drop the subject.

“Ouch!” He exclaims.

“Here you go.” He hands me a bottle and one to Martin.

“Thanks.” I say as I glare at Martin warning him to keep whatever insane thought he has to himself.

I open the water bottle and as I was about to take a sip someone bumps into my shoulder. Splashing water over my face.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you.” A guy just a few inches shorter than Jae apologizes. I force a smile, telling him it’s okay. Then seconds later, a group of friends pass by where we are standing and two of them bump into me. Jae curses at them, “There’s someone here jerks!” They just flip him off.

Martin laughs as he positions himself in front of me, blocking the incoming people.

“Am I that short that people don’t see me?” I genuinely ask to no one in particular.

“Like I said, tiny bug.” Martin teases.

“Shut up.” I roll my eyes at him.

Jae pulls me out of the way and starts to go around the stalls again, surveying the items being sold deciding if he wants to eat a corndog or some churros. He settles with a pretzel. Martin buys one for himself while I decline, sticking to the water I have in hand.

I notice Martin getting restless, the itchiness to go back to the pit and watch the rest of the performers evident in his face.

“Just go Martin,” I tell him.

“What? No. It’s okay.” He says, but his furrowed brows and wavering eyes say otherwise.

“If you miss The Puppet Skirts just because you’re worried about me, I’m scared that you’ll use that against me in the future so just go.”

“Don’t worry Martin, I got her.” Jae places a hand on top of my head. I get surprised that the usual urge I have to slap a person’s hand off my head isn’t there. Is it because it’s Jae’s hand that’s on my head? Even Martin looks surprised. I give him an awkward smile and a shrug. I’m just as confused as he is.

“Okay, you have the panic button with you right?” I nod at him gesturing that I have it in my back pocket. “If anything happens to her I’ll have your head, got that tall bug?” He points at Jae. _Jeez, overprotective much?_ Jae just chicly nods his head at him, his hand still on top of my head. Martin hesitantly walks away, checking on us every few feet he goes closer to the mosh pit.

Once we no longer have sight of him, Jae grabs my hand. “Come on, I have something to show you.”

We arrive at the part of the park that overlooks the Han river. We sit on one of the steps of the stairs that leads down to the walkway right beside the course of the river.

“It’s not the same view as sunset brick road but it’s still beautiful.” He says softly. 

I stare at him, his face bathed with the orange color coming from the sunset. Right now at this moment, my mind isn’t chaotic. It’s not quiet, it’s still filled with thoughts but thoughts that are actually nice for once. _Today was fun. It wasn’t perfect but it’s the most fun I had in a while, maybe even years. And it’s all because of this guy._

“Thank you.” I tell him. 

He turns to look at me, his eyes meeting mine. “Why are you suddenly thanking me?”

“Just...thank you. I really had fun today.”

“Don’t thank me yet. The day’s not yet over.” He stands up and pulls me by the hand again. 

“Where are we going?” I ask in between breathes as we are now jogging along the walk course.

A smile immediately creeps up on my face the moment I see where we are heading to.

“Here.” He stands proudly in front of the bike rental hut. His teeth flashing and cheekbones rising. But, worry starts to paint over his face. “Tell me you know how to ride a bike.” I start giggling. “‘Cause that would totally ruin this plan I had.”

“I know how to ride a bike.” I say to him, my cheeks hurting from smiling too much.

We ride the bikes side by side over the lane designated for bikers. We aren’t talking to each other as we take a stroll, we’re just giggling like two children sharing an inside joke. Then, Jae starts to take speed, initiating an impromptu race.

A few minutes later, he yells in between that bursts of laughter he has, “okay, okay, stop!” Halting in the middle of the bike lane.

“I win!” I declare, pulling on the brake levers. 

“Yeah, you’re one competitive shortie.” He says as he takes one gallop of breath.

I gasp, “who you calling competitive?” I say as I ride the bike around him in circles.

“Ha-ha-ha.” He fakes a laugh, out of breath. I continue to go around him in circles.

I let out a scream as he suddenly tries to grab my hand making me stumble a bit, good thing I manage to escape and keep my balance. I pedal hard to get away from him who’s now back on his bike trying to catch me.

He screams a loud “Waaaaaah!” and I laugh at how scandalous he can get.

The sun has completely set and we find ourselves at this convenience store meters away from the festival. We could still hear the music and the cheers of the crowd from this distance, I imagine how loud it actually is when you’re there.

“Martin must be having a blast now, The Puppet Skirts are playing.” He says as he taps the wooden chopsticks he has on the rim of his cup noodles. The appetite of this boy is beyond me. This is probably why he’s tall.

“You’re staring at me again.” He says as he focuses his eyes on mine, trying to widen them to make them seem bigger. I shake my head and grab my bottle of water, “Sorry, I was just stuck in my head again.”

“Thinking of?” He asks, still playing drums with his chopsticks, tapping to the beat of The Puppet Skirts.

“ _You_ , actually…” Surprisingly, I say that with zero embarrassment, while he fumbles with one of his chopsticks. _Cute._ “I was marveling at how big your appetite is,” I add.

He covers his face with his hands. Did I say something wrong? As I was about to apologize, I notice him smiling. 

“How can I just be friends with you when you say things like that so casually? It’s so unfair.” He mumbles still covering his face with his hands.

“Say that you have a big appetite?”

He laughs, “no, say that you’re thinking of me without blushing.”

“Well, just remind yourself that you just like the _idea—_ ”

“The idea of liking you… yeah you said that earlier.” His voice sounds annoyed. I puff my cheeks, somehow feeling bad with what I just said. He looks at me, “Don’t apologize.” He sighs, “I’m sorry, it’s just the more I spend time with you like this, the more that I realize that I _like_ you. And I’m not forcing these feelings to you, so you really can’t force me to believe what I have feelings for _is_ the _idea_ of me liking you.” 

I bite the inside of my lip. It dawns on me that insisting that he doesn’t really like me is the same thing as dismissing his feelings all together. It’s not even a legitimate rejection, it’s just me being indifferent to his emotions.

“But, I don’t know if I’m ever going to like you back the same way…” I say weakly, words coming out of my mouth before I could even process them.

The thing is I don’t have any experience with having a crush on someone, or maybe I did, I just didn’t realize it. But even if I did, that feeling would have disappeared already by the time I noticed it. I just don’t have enough head space right now to figure out the difference between liking a person romantically versus liking a person platonically. The point is, I’m still trying to figure out this friendship thing and like I said earlier, I really like hanging out with him. _So, what do I do then?_

He sweeps his hand through his hair, “We agreed to being friends right? Friends that would get to know each other? Let’s just stick with that...” He makes this weird smile, something I haven’t seen him do before. “At least for now.” He tears off the foil cover of his ramen and starts mixing the noodles sloppily.

The music from the festival  playing in the background fills in the the silence between us. Sadly, this time I’m sure it’s not the bashful kind of silence.


End file.
